Start Getting In Line To See Ja Rule Get Tortured

If you're reading this, it's already too late, as I've paid several hundred thousand people to start reserving spots in line for me to see Saw 4. You know why? Because Ja Rule gets tortured in the first scene!

"I’ve actually just read the script to the upcoming sequel, set to film in March, and the details I’ve given you are indeed true. The little girl i talk of is Jeff’s daughter… and you will be completely shocked when you see what Jeff and his daughter have to endure in Part 4. Actor, song writer, and rapper Ja Rule has also been cast to star in the films opening scene on the first day of shooting in Toronto. More details as I recieve."

Yes, Ja, I remember seeing you on TRL as a younger man, and holy Christ, even as a teenager I wished to see you impaled in several hilarious ways. Hope you enjoyed your three minutes in the spotlight, bro. Here's hoping there's fire and red-hot metal! Holler!

Surfers Chicks Are Way Tougher Than Your Bitch Ass

Hey, guess who's tougher than Rocky and Rambo and Vin Diesel combined? This fucking chick. She's a surfer named Bethany Hamilton, and her fucking arm got bitten off by a tiger shark three years ago, but she still competitively surfs. And now she's getting a movie made about her.

"16-year-old Hawaiian surf star Bethany Hamilton ordeal is the subject of an upcoming Hollywood feature film which will carry the same title as her book, "Soul Surfer".

Three years ago a tiger shark severed her left arm. That didn't stop her though and she is now blitzing the professional surf scene."

This is the sort of thing that really doesn't require a joke; the girl has one goddamn arm. I don't need to make fun of her. The bitch can't clap! I will say I'm enthusiastically awaiting the sequel to this flick, in which the fictional Bethany Hamilton will have to overcome having her spine ripped out by a pack of wolves. Inspirational!

Waldo Won't Fucking Stop Getting Lost

Everyone take a second to squat and squeeze out a big, steaming thanks, fuckhead shit on someone important's lawn today. It's the only way to make sure the suits in Hollywood know how displeased the non-retarded people of the world are about the upcoming "Where's Waldo?" live adaptations. Awesome. Read this quote while I give myself a full-body paper cut.

"British media group Entertainment Rights Plc has acquired rights to the "Where's Waldo?" brand from series creator Martin Hanford. Entertainment Rights said Monday it plans to create new animated and live-action content that will launch worldwide in 2008 and 2009 but it wasn't clear if that would include a feature film."

A word about Waldo. This fucking shithead has been lost in the most inconvenient places for upwards of 20 years now! Call off the search! He's not goddamn worth it! Seriously, you think Waldo's wife and children want him back? It's not like he'd hold down a job; he'd get lost in the copy room and suddenly you'd look around and everyone within a ten mile radius would be wearing the same fucking hat and glasses. He's not just retarded. He's intentionally, maliciously retarded.

Governments Annoyed By Rapefest Movies

If you haven't been reading around the internet lately, you've probably missed the controversy surrounding Dakota Fanning's new movie. Allow me to summarize, because the whole thing is almost boring enough to make a man take a spoon to his eyes in frustration. Dakota Fanning is a little girl. Dakota Fanning makes a movie where she gets raped. Then, and this was the easy part to see coming, people get annoyed at the fact that they're watching a movie where a little girl gets raped. And by people, of course, I mean the government of North Carolina, where Hounddog was shot, who now want to restrict some movies from getting government tax breaks unless they submit a script for screening beforehand.

"Using the controversy surrounding the Dakota Fanning film "Hounddog", State Senate Republican leader Phil Berger tells The Wilmington Star that he wants government approval on scripts before filming can be conducted in North Carolina.

A complete violation on free rights? Well not exactly. Seems the system only applies to films seeking the state's lucrative filmmaker incentive, which refunds as much as 15 percent of what productions spend in North Carolina from the state treasury.

"Why should North Carolina taxpayers pay for something they find objectionable?" said Berger who is presently drafting the proposed legislation."

This does make sense, especially considering how shitty Hounddog is rumored to be. If you're going to make a movie where there's a giant, heavily-publicized rape scene involving a famous little girl, make sure your movie doesn't fucking blow. Also, you could at least have the decency to make it a hot one. Isn't it time, for example, that the Olsen twinsstart honing their acting talents, Dakota Fanning style?

Pam From The Office Is Not Always Pam From The Office

Jenna Fischer is, shockingly, a real person. In the mind's eye of me and every other dude in the world with glasses and more than a little time to devote to writing erotic fanfic (Dwight and Stanley, anyone? Mmmmm.....), it's hard to imagine her as, well, not Pam. But fuck, that girl done some shit:

"Jenna Fischer will star alongside John C. Reilly in the Jake Kasdan-directed comedy "Walk Hard" for Sony Pictures.

Fischer plays Darlene, a June Carter Cash-like love interest for fictional troubled music legend Dewey Cox (Reilly). Fischer also will sing indicates trade paper Variety.

Shooting will take place shortly using Judd Apatow and Kasdan's script. Fischer will film her role during the hiatus of production on "The Office.""

Yeah, great, whatever. She's a real actress, I suppose, so go ahead. I have to look at this as a win-win, I think. Jenna Fischer gets to diversify and expand her career beyond the realm of being typecast, and, well, I get to devote myself fully to beating off to Jasmine from Aladdin.

THANK GOD WE HAVE THIS CLEARED UP.

Batman Doesn't Give A Shit About Katie Holmes

Listen. Batman is a superhero. He's got a cape. He's got a utility belt, for christ's sake. He's got a massive, constantly engorged cock that hungers for nothing more than new poon and sweet, sweet justice. You think he gives a flying hellfuck about a little Dawson's Creek castoff like Katie Holmes? Check out Dark Knight casting news:

"NO KATIE HOLMES. Her character of Rachel Dawes IS in the film, but the filmmakers are now actively searching for a replacement to take on the part. Whether it was Holmes or the filmmaker's decision not to have her reprise her role is uncertain for now.

NO PENGUIN. The shooting draft of the script will not involve either The Penguin or his other moniker Oswald Cobblepot. For months the Penguin, in the form of a European arms dealer, has long been talked about as having a small role.

Finally - Harvey Dent is in the film but still no word on casting. At last word Jamie Foxx and Ed Norton are the latest names the filmmakers are said to be interested in for roles."

Listen, great, Katie Holmes has effectively taken a bat-missile to her boring little face, and she's moaning in pain on her way to the proverbial emergency room. Let me just say this: if Jamie Foxx shows up in the new Batman movie, you might as well just take to sea. Start a new life on a dinghy, or a deep-sea oil platform.

Because I will set the world on fire if motherfucking Jamie Foxx (The star of Booty Call, mind you) is in a Batman movie.

Jared Leto Wants The Precious

In news that will stun and enrage the entire World Of Warcraft gaming community, Elijah Wood was attacked at an awards show recently. Amazingly, it wasn't by an obsessed fanboy wearing hobbit feet and elf ears, but rather by actual crazy person Jared Leto. Check it out:

"The 26-year-old star was attending the MTVU Woodie Awards in November when Leto, who is the lead singer of cult act 30 Seconds To Mars, approached his table. Leto came over, whispered in Wood's ear and walked away, but then turned around, grabbed him by the throat and called him a "f**king a**hole." Wood tells Jane magazine, "He was basically upset at the fact that I said I didn't like his band. He said that initially and walked away. I guess he thought I was laughing at him, but I was more shell-shocked and telling people around me, 'Whoa, I just got told off by Jared Leto for not liking his band.' And that's when he came back and grabbed me." "

Anger over petty criticism seems a little bit silly in regards to motivation for trying to fucking choke someone, so we've got to assume that there was some other force at work here. Something dark, something mysterious, controlling poor Jared Leto. Something with a single, unblinking eye, wreathed by unholy flame. Something always watching, always searching for the one true ring of power.

Or, maybe, Jared Leto is an emo bitch.

Okay, yeah, question answered. Emo bitch, check.

Chipmunks Somehow Even More Annoying in CGI

Sometimes, even the most hard-hearted, cynical asshole has to lay down his guard and admit that those boys in Hollywood sure know how to greenlight only the movies most obviously bound for success. Take the Alvin and the Chipmunks adaptation for instanceOHGODOHGOD I'M FUCKING BLIND FROM LYING. I HAVE LITERALLY LOST THE USE OF BOTH OF MY EYES FROM SPEAKING FRADULENTLY ABOUT ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS AND ALL THAT IS LEFT IS BURNING.

"Tim Hill ("Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties") is in talks with Fox 2000 about helming the live-action/CG-animated film "Alvin and the Chipmunks". Fox is expected to cast a comic actor in the role of Dave Seville, pal to the three chipmunks, Alvin, Simon and Theodore, who will be computer generated versions of the famous 50's animated trio..."

*rubs eyes carefully*

I...I just can't believe this is happening...some fuckhead actually thought that the world would be happier if we had more annoying-ass, singing chipmunks. Hve you ever been happy after watching a chipmunk? The answer is this: THERE'S NO REASON TO BE WATCHING CHIPMUNKS. THEY'RE FUCKING RODENTS.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the vengeful lord above has taken my sight. I hate you, Alvin and the Chipmunks movie producers. I hate you.

MPAA Chief Could Use Some More Tits

Mr. Dan Glickman commented recently to Daily Variety that he'd like to see more use of the nc-17 rating by upcoming independent movie producers.

"MPAA chief Dan Glickman is encouraging independent filmmakers to make more films that would earn them an NC-17 rating. According to Daily Variety, Glickman acknowledged that producers often face a stone wall erected by exhibitors to keep out NC-17 films. He said he plans to meet with theater owners to persuade them to drop the barrier. "It's one of our ratings, and I'd like to see it used more," he said."

Glickman went on to acknowledge the MPAA's sincere wish for renewed cinematic exploration of fisting parties, bukkake festivals, competitive sexual abuse of livestock, gratuitous violence against the elderly, and the slaughtering of puppies in big canvas sacks.

"There're really just underutilized topics for movies," he gushed, attaching an electrical current to his scrotum and squealing in pleasure. "MAKE IT HURT FOR DADDY!"

Hippies Can Make Movies?!? Fuck!

Catherine Hardwicke, the director who prides herself on bring you masturbatory fantasies that make you feel like a goddamned pedophile(Thirteen, anyone?), has now trained her eye on putting together the movie adaptation of Edward Abbey's Monkey Wrench Gang.

"The story concerns a motley group of environmental warriors who wage mayhem against road builders and other developers in southern Utah.

Publication of Abbey's novel in 1975 gave rise to eco-terrorism (aka. monkey-wrenching), a new generation of environmentalists who practiced sabotage for the sake of saving the Earth."

In response to the news of a full-length feature film be produced about annoying hippie clubs, I'm planning to drive my Hummer to Walmart to buy a steak, which I will grill using 100 times more fuel than I actually need. Once I've consumed my flame-kissed meat, I will wander, drunk and naked, into the forest with a rifle and begin shooting each baby animal foolish enough to stumble into my path. The whole time, I will be (attempting) to loudly slur my way through the star-spangled banner. It's the only way to counteract them.

Robbie Williams Is A Guy You've Never Heard Of (And Will Also Play One!)

Alleged pop star Robbie Williams (pictured above rehearsing the moves he will use during his inevitable throwdown with a tranny hooker in a London alleyway) has been signed to play an alcoholic drifter turned humanitarian. Since I'm undoubtedly not the only one struggling to find a reason not to off myself due to boredom, read about it:

"An alcoholic drifter, Charles was found in London in 1975 and thought to be dead having consumed large amounts of industrial alcohol. He was about to be zipped into a body bag, moved slightly and was transferred to hospital instead.

He has spent the last twenty eight years helping alcoholics by running help lines and day centres. In 1989 he opened the "Chaucer Clinic" and has treated over 15,000 alcoholics in his career."

I'm not really sure why I would like or want to watch a movie about a person like this Nick Charles character. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't sloppy drunks one of the most time-honored forms of human entertainment? Who among us hasn't seen an alky, passed out face-down on the sidewalk and paused to giggle uncontrollably for a few minutes? We act like we don't want to kick him, but we all do.

Right? Anyone with me on the physically abusing defenseless drunks? No?

Some Douchebag Is The Lizard

As you can tell from the photo above, the role of The Lizard is a very serious, demanding part to play. An actor must have sufficient range, emotional depth, a forked tongue, and be over 7 feet tall and have a large green tail. This leads us to one Dylan Baker, who is, apparently, as lizardish as all fucking Hell.

"Baker confirms that "I am in SPIDER-MAN 3, and my wife Becky Ann Baker is also in the movie, she plays James Cromwell's wife and Bryce Dallas Howard's mother."

Don't expect the Lizard to show up this time though - "In this one I am still in my business suit and that's all I'll say. I'm kind of the guy that Peter Parker needs to come to whenever he has those quandaries about what's going on... All I can say is we're going to see a lot more of [me] at some point if what Sam says is true, and Sam is the guy who knows, so I am sticking with him."

Would he be up for playing the Lizard? "Oh yeah [I'd be up for that]. I'm friends with Alfred Molina and I just saw him the other day and he had so much fun doing Doc Ock, that for me it's a no-brainer. So, put it in [the movie] and let's go.""

Baker's qualifications for the part include not being famous enough for anyone to care so much that they can muster a public objection to his casting, and a long, storied career playing that fucking Gecko from the car insurance commercials.

Thanks, M Night, We're...Um...All Set With Pieces of Shit Right Now

There are a lot of really good movies out right now. This makes me feel strange; it feels like there's a large, gaping void in the cinematic world right now. We need more putrid, second-rate pieces of shit to fill that proverbial void. The only question that M. Night Shyamalan is asking is this: "Doesn't anybody want my feces to fill that void? The answer is apparently an emphatic "No thanks, tard," as every studio in the world has passed on M. Night's new script that he's shopping around.

" Unfortunately, it looks like it is a pass around town, or a Pasadena. Pasadena is a term in the script world used when a new spec hits the town and has no buyers or takers. So far, Universal, Paramount, Warner Brothers and Sony have all passed. Ouch!

The last word I heard was that Fox was still having a look, but it's looking like it'll get a pass there too.

Not much is known about GREEN PLANET {the script in question), but I will report back as soon as I get any information. Now, because it wasn't purchased in the first round, that doesn't neccessarily mean that GREEN PLANET won't find a home. Many scripts don't sell first round out but what makes this interesting is that this is M. Night Shyamalan. He dominated the spec script world with everything he put out. His scripts would only be on the market 24-48 hours! After THE SIXTH SENSE, M. Night could wipe his ass with some paper and it would sell."

M. Night is obviously looking in the wrong place for movie-making ideas. There's one thing that the public wants, buddy, and let me reveal that to you right now: Lady In The Water 2: More Ladies, More Water. This time, it's set in the Arctic Ocean, where's there are a few dozen of the sea nymphs, and they've got to save humanity from dark creatures!

Only they're trapped in the freezing wasteland with no way out so they starve to death slowly and painfully. It's sort of a twist ending, but with much more drawn-out pathetic moaning and begging for help.

Darren Aronofsky Is Basically A Sissy

Universal has announced its plan to set up their recent acquisition Black Swan as a directing vehicle for total art fag Darren Aronofsky.

"Darren Aronofsky ("The Fountain", "Requiem for a Dream") is attached to direct, and John McLaughlin has begun writing the thriller that looks at the manipulative relationship between a veteran ballet dancer and a rival."

Art fag or no art fag, Aronofsky makes movies that are, at least, interesting to watch. This nonwithstanding, I'll bet about 1,000 dollars that the studio has sent out a few memos this week to plead with him to "...make a goddamn normal movie for once. Haven't you ever seen Click? Just do that!"

Congress: Hooray Uggos!

In news that should restore your desire to drink until your heart stops, the United States' Congress has actually taken time to salute America Ferrera's Golden Globe win. On the floor. While they're in session. You know, making motherfucking laws.

"Congresswoman Hilda L. Solis from California took to the floor of the US House of Representatives on Wednesday to publicly salute the star. Solis said, "Madame Speaker, I rise today to congratulate American Ferrera for winning the Golden Globe for best actress in a comedy for her work in ABC show Ugly Betty. Through her work, Ms. Ferrera is breaking down barriers for Latinos in prime-time television. I commend America and everyone involved in Ugly Betty for helping to break down stereotypes and provide a role model for young Latinas.""

No word on why Congress took time off from making sure that the country works to salute Ugly Betty but avoided any sort of mention to other trite "overcoming adversity" shows like Lipless Steve, The Dog Without An Anus, and Julio, The Exploding Honduran Nymphomanic.

Timothy Olyphant Probably Couldn't Kill You

Even so, it appears the cinematic world expects you to believe otherwise. This almost criminally caucasian actor has signed on to be the star in the upcoming adaptation of the video game Hitman.

The best part about this news is essentially that it forces Olyphant to shave his fucking head like a douchebag. This is nothing if not a fitting punishment for a man who has intentionally appeared in movies like Dreamcatcher, The Girl Next Door, Catch and Release, and motherfucking Rock Star alongside the artist formerly known as Marky Mark.

I'd rather get stabbed in the spleen while licking the bottom of a liposuction clinic's garbage can than be in a movie with Marky Mark, dude.

Pierce Brosnan Is Actually Alive

Against all odds and pissing into the open mouth of traditional logic, it appears that Pierce Brosnan still has a career. He's scored a lead role in an adaptation of the novel The Big Biazarro. Pierce will be playing a poker legend who trains a young, upstart player on his road to the proverbial big game.

I'm sure that this will be a welcome change of pace for the versatile Brosnan, who has spent the past few months in intensive training to work on his "Crying bitterly while crumpling an 8x10 of Daniel Craig" routine. He's a character actor, you know, gets into the part. Tries not to weep in public over the burnt-out, pathetic husk of his career. That kind of method acting.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This post is brought to you by the Pierce Project. The Pierce Project is a non-denominational charitable mission devoted to saving one of our finest actors from depression, drug-addiction, and numerous forays into the world of peddling ass for crack cocaine. Please do what you can; Pierce will take your spare change.

Fags At Grey's Anatomy Hate Fags Who Call People Fags

Alleged actress Katherine Heigl has slammed her Grey's Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington for reportedly using homophobic slurs on the set of the show.

"...Washington allegedly used a homophobic slur toward their co-star TR Knight. After a reporter questioned him on the validity of the on-set incident, Washington denied his involvement saying, "No, I did not call TR Knight a faggot. Never happened, never happened." Heigl told Access Hollywood reporter Shaun Robinson that she disapproved of his use of the slur when referring to the incident saying, "I'm not okay with it. I'm going to be really honest right now, he needs to just not speak in public. Period. I'm sorry, that did not need to be said. I just find it hurtful. I just feel like this is something that should be very much in house we need to deal with and it's among us and the cast and crew and among Shonda (Rimes, the show's creator) and the producers.""

If you made it all the way through that quote without taking a knife to your eyes in boredom, here's the breakdown, in appropriately childlike translation: He said I called him a name but I didn't call him a name like that because I'm a good boy not a bad boy and I wish that people wouldn't say mean things about me that I didn't say I'm a GOOD BOY I WANT MY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY AND MY GAMEBOY! GAAAAAMEBOY!

The only thing I want to take a flamethrower to more than every copy of every episode of Grey's Anatomy is the self-important douchebags on the show who think anyone gives a shit about their moral crusades. You play a fake doctor. You do so badly. Why does that make you think I care about anything you do think about anything? If you're going to complain about the mean names that people are using like a 12 year old, you could at least have the decency to spend the rest of your life like a douchebag, annoying, trashy adolescent. Get pregnant, get a drug addiction, get a trailer, and get out of the spotlight. Please.

Hey Angelina Jolie! Fuck you!

These are, of course, the words of idiot (and likely testicleless) director Robert Rodriguez. Reportedly, he's gotten tired of waiting for Angelina Jolie for the next Sin City and is now wooing Rachel Weisz for her role, instead.

"For a while now it has been pretty much accepted that Robert Rodriguez has wanted Angelina Jolie as the star of his sequel to "Sin City" sub-story 'A Dame To Kill For'.

Scheduling conflicts have prevented it though and caused enough delays that according to a rumour over at Cinema Blend, Jolie has been ousted in favour of British babe Rachel Weisz."

I'm sure that Sin City fans are devastated by this news. Obviously, Jolie is an actress to be reckoned with (maybe? She was...in Tomb Raider?), but Weisz is pretty damned good, too. I hear tell she comes fully equipped with ample breasts and a fully funtioning vagina, as well. Yee-haw!

Tom Selleck Is Going To Fucking Maim Someone

There are certain time-honored institutions that everyone in our society holds dear, regardless of racial, social, or economic differences. Football on Sunday. Gifts are joyously exchanged on Christmas morning. A ring upon the slender young finger of a bride signifies her engagement to a gentleman caller. And Tom Selleck is motherfucking Magnum P.I. AND ONLY TOM SELLECK.

Some people, though, seem to think that just anyone can don the mustache of justice and start sexing their way through the criminal underground. Yes, that's right, good ol' Matthew McConaughey is rumored to be playing the legendary Magnum in an upcoming movie adaptation. While we're at it, why not just have Chris Tucker play Christ?

If we don't stop this only for the sake of preserving the sanctity of a cultural institution, then someone should at least think of the safety of one our most well-known (and most likely retarded) actors. You think Selleck is going to let this fly?

Have you ever seen Tom Selleck get angry? Of course you haven't. Your tongue would have been burned out if you had. You know who's seen Tom Selleck angry?

The people who were on the Titanic. That's right. No iceberg there, friends, hate to break it to you. Just angry Selleck. The few survivors of Hiroshima, too, they've seen it. Yeah. We dropped no bombs.

We dropped Selleck.

Johnny Depp! OMG!

In honor of the recent news that Johnny Depp's company will be developing a movie based on the life and suspicious death of a former KGB agent (as a starring vehicle for Johnny, it seems), MovieSlam is proud to publish our first ever interview with Mr. Depp, who was gracious enough to share a little of his time with us.

MovieSlam: Hi Johnny!

Depp: Hello.

MovieSlam: So...um...*blushing*

Depp: *smiles courteously*

MovieSlam: *loosening collar desperately* So...um...do you...like anything?

Depp: Do I like anything?

MovieSlam: I MEAN ANYONE, you know, um, do you like, um, anyone in the....the movie industry? ohgodIamsuchanidiot...

Depp: *leaning forward and placing hand reassuringly on interviewer's knee* Listen, it's okay. Just calm down and read your questions, okay? I'll try my best if you do.

MovieSlam: *breathing into a paper bag* Okay. Okay. *deep breath* Do you...do you want to go out sometime?

Depp: *narrows eyebrows and laughs nervously* I'm sorry?

MovieSlam: *slowly slipping straps of his shirt down over his shoulders*PLEASE JOHNNY I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOOOOOOOOD...

It really went downhill from that point. Thankfully, Mr. Depp has agreed not to press any charges, and my taser scars are well on the way to healing!

Will Ferrell Makes Another MovIe About How Awesome He Is

There's only so far you can allow Will Ferrell to go before you yank viciously on his leash and pull him back. Okay, Will, you made a movie with Queen Latifah. Allowing it. Okay, you were in The Producers.

You're filming a movie with Jon Heder. Alright, get the fuck back here you fucking douchebag.

Yes, that link will get you to the trailer for Blades of Glory, Ferrell's new figure-skating comedy. In any other case, I'd be making my way to the set on foot to start an aggressive campaign of firebombing, but, sadly for Mr. Flamethrower (it needed a name), the trailer, well, actually looks funny.

Shit.

Evan Rachel Wood Has Super Taste

Evan Rachel Wood starred as the prototypical girl you immediately regret sleeping with in Thirteen. You know. The one who, the next day, has completely redecorated both her room and her body with calligraphy renditions of your name. That kind of crazy.

Now it seems that simply taking more cock than a rooster convention is not enough for Evan. She needs a solid, reliable man. She needs someone that she can count on through the various storms that every young, up-and-coming actress must weather. Clearly, she needs a good guy.







Um.

Yeah, she's dating Marilyn Manson. Because that makes sense. In any case, why do I suddenly find myself feeling both gleefully anticipatory over Evan Rachel Wood turning into a vampire queen and, well, disappointed in her choice? I'm sure there are people out there who need a date who aren't both washed-up musicians and not completely dependent upon heroin and the blood of Christian infants to survive. Why him, Evan? IT'S TOO LATE TO REBEL, YOU IDIOT!

Harrison Ford Not As Much Of A Tard As You Think

Despite all evidence to the contrary, it appears, judging by this story, that Harrison Ford is not a total idiot. Seems he turned down the idea of a Han Solo spinoff movie, even after Big Daddy Lucas (as he likes to be called when he's wearing the Daddy Pants) begged him to do it.

"A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "George wanted Harrison to play Indy but cleverly sounded him out about playing Hans Solo instead.

"Harrison was horrified. After that he was delighted to be playing Indy again. He told George he just couldn't face being stuck in a spaceship with Chewbacca again.""

There's no word on exactly what the Solo spinoff would have been, but I'm guessing that it probably would have had one of these titles:
Han Solo's Anal Adventure
Han Solo And The Weiner Galaxy
Han Solo vs. The Cockstar
Han Solo's Balls In A Vice
Han Solo and Chewbacca: Trapped On The Planet Made of Pee Pee's!
Han Solo: A Grower, Not A Shower
Han Solo: Shaved Like A Bitch

People Keep Going To Motherfuckin' Egypt

At some point, you'd think that even a person with no eyes and no brain would make the connection that Going To Egypt and Messing with Shit = Hurty by the Bad Undead Monster Mummy. Apparently not, because director Rob Cohen is in talks to take the helm for yet another sequel to The Mummy in which Brendan Fraser, astoundingly, WILL NOT DIE.

Everything human in my soul is screaming for me to undertake a holy mission of vengence against Universal for thinking of doing this, but hey, it makes a whole lot more sense for them to keep the Mummy series going than to finance a Halo adaptation.

OH WAIT NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T.

Madonna Is Slumming

Every great musician faces a pivotal turning point in their career. When you start getting old, irrelevant, and your efforts to seem sexy start reminding people of how crazy Grammy Jenkins got all hopped up on the 'nog last Christmas and passed out underneath the tree shortly before pissing herself, you have to ask a question: Do I keep making shitty albums, or should I branch out and make some shitty movies, too?

For Madonna, the answer is an emphatic and undoubtedly semi-drunken "YES!" Her Maverick company is committed to team with HBO Films to make Hosed, a movie about retarded firemen, with much of the cast of Jackass.

"Chris Pontius, Steve "Steve-O" Glover, Preston Lacy and Jason "Wee Man" Acuna will all be a part of the "broad comedy" about an uncoordinated, over-enthusiastic volunteer firefighter.

When he finally assigned to a firehouse where he has to deal with a band of misfit firefighters from the wrong side of the tracks says The Hollywood Reporter.

Pontius, Glover, Lacy and Acuna will play misfits, with Pontius playing the leader of the band. The volunteer firefighter with whom they interact has not been cast. Adam "Tex" Davis ("Just Friends") will pen the script."

I'm sure Madonna nearly spit out her dentures in joy when she learned that she'd have an excuse to blow all those B-list celebs. Maybe she can hobble over to her PR team on the old walker and suggest a new Sex book. "This time," she'll croak, her 95-year-old skin cracking and splitting under the effort of speaking, "we'll focus on bitches with stretch marks!"

And, just before her struggling old heart fails, she'll squeal, "AND MIDGETS! BRING ME DWARF COCK!"

Naomi Watts Hates Her Career

It's not enough to enthusiastically allow yourself to be slammed by a giant fuckin' gorilla these days. You've also got to attach yourself to numerous shitty remakes and bad sequels in order to kill a once promising career. This explains recent rumors surrounding the occasionally-hot Naomi Watts.

Watts has is attached to not one, but two shitty ideas for movies. First, there's the planned third Ring sequel. Nothing confirmed, but something tells me there will be a creepy little fuckhead chillin' in a well. Pretty impolite, especially for those out there who get their drinking water from a well.

Secondly, there's the ultimate good idea of remaking The Birds. Yes, because not only is it a fucking movie about fucking crazy birds (we're talking tweet tweet here, people), but it's also redoing a Hitchcock flick. And shit, that went so well before!

Samuel L Jackson Gets His Slam On

There's just really not a whole lot that I have to say about this one. Sam's reached a point in his life where he can walk out into the middle of rush-hour traffic, stop in the middle of the street, look menacingly both ways, and then slowly, deliberately take a huge, steaming shit on the pavement and no one would question him. Police officers watching the scene unfold would just cross their arms in admiration, murmuring, "Sweet baby jesus, what I wouldn't give for a moment or two of life with his balls, man." Mothers would hold their children up high over the gathering crowd, so that their tiny, awe-struck eyes could catch a more unobstructed view of Sam's feces.

And then he'd be gone, in a sudden, mysterious cloud of smoke. And the legend would grow.

Seriously, what can the man not do? Snakes On A Plane? Could Sam Jackson, at this height of badassness, get on the set of. say, Headline News and just start slamfucking white girls and shooting things in the face with an assault rifle, cackling drunkenly all the while? What is the limit? And furthermore, why isn't he running for motherfucking president?

A "Tingler" That Won't Get You Arrested

Latino Review is reporting that there's a remake coming of the 1959 douchebagfest, The Tingler. As you can probably tell from the poster, it was a seminal work in the field of horror movies and certainly wasn't campy enough to make you swallow your tongue. No, definitely not. Here's the rundown:

"According to The Hollywood Reporter, Columbia Pictures has tapped Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan to pen a Page One rewrite of its horror remake "The Tingler." Neal Moritz is producing through his Sony-based Original Film shingle. Based on the 1959 Vincent Price classic, the film centers on a scientist, who in the search for a medical cure for fear, unleashes the Tingler, an entity that kills its victims with fear."

Right. Killing victims with fear is almost the first thing I thought of when I heard "tingler." I don't mean to be unnecessarily perverted, but I'm pretty sure that "the tingler" is an obscure sexual technique that, amongst other things, requires three fingers in your partner's anus and a waiting, lubed Bengal Tiger.

TINGLER!

Mist Remains Unfrightening, Despite Efforts of Douchebags

Horror movies are made by idiots, people. Fucking idiots. I was stupid enough to read some news on Fangoria's website this morning, and found out that there's a new adaptation of Stephen King's The Mist on the way. I love more badly made Stephen King adaptations, but it turns out this one is being done by Frank Darabont, who happens to be the dude behind The Shawshank Redemption, so it could be okay. Then again, it could just be an hour and a half loop of Brookshilariously offing himself.

Now, I haven't read the book, nor can I be bothered to look up a simple synopsis of the story, but I still feel I am completely qualified to ridicule the premise as unfairly as I please. So. Here's a quick rundown of the things that one is apparently allowed to make a horror movie about in today's cinematic climate.

1) Creepy little boys who fucking meow.

2) Creepy little girls who who fall into wells.

3) Motherfucking FOG.

Just think, if you combine creepy little kids, mist, and fog, you've got the scariest shit ever! Some...uh, creepy little retarded kids wandering around in fog, wailing obnoxiously for their cartoons and their apple juice. Great. Give me one fucking bulldozer, a chainsaw, and Bruce Campbell, and let's see how your meowing, foggy, magic-scary-death-videotape-bullshit works out for you.

Bring it the shit on.

The O.C. Is Fucking Cancelled

Dark Horizons is reporting, tragically, that The O.C. has been cancelled. This shouldn't be surprising, as The O.C. is the only show in history that could actually fuck up hot lesbian hookups and Mischa Barton dying.

On the bright side, this frees up Adam Brody for a few embarrassing weeks of publicly dating noted cum dumpsters like Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan and then an overwhelmingly public spiral into drugs, depression, and death. Here's to you, Adam, and I'll be the first one in line at the theatre when you star in House of Wax 2.