MARKY MARK DOESN'T FUCKING TEACH SCIENCE!

Since Bill Nye is apparently busy launching chemical weapons into unsuspecting crowds, Mark Wahlberg has been tapped to star in the new M Night movie.

"Twentieth Century Fox will release M. Night Shyamalan's paranoia thriller, "The Happening," worldwide on Friday June 13th 2008.

Mark Wahlberg is set to star in the film about a family on the run from an apocalyptic threat to humanity.

"Mark has a unique blend of charisma, humanity, authenticity and skillfulness as an actor;" said Shyamalan. "All of which coalesced at this moment in his career, making him the perfect person to take on the role of Elliot Moore, the science teacher at the center of this event.""

Charisma? Humanity? No he fucking doesn't! Marky Mark has abs and a vast, bottomless well of rage towards the rest of mankind! Asking Mark Wahlberg to play a science teacher is like asking a lion to play a nursery school teacher. It may end up being funny, but it's just too much of a stretch.

Mark my words: there will be a scene in this movie where Mark Wahlberg punches a fucking monster in the head. You wait.

Timothy Olyphant Probably Couldn't Kill You

Even so, it appears the cinematic world expects you to believe otherwise. This almost criminally caucasian actor has signed on to be the star in the upcoming adaptation of the video game Hitman.

The best part about this news is essentially that it forces Olyphant to shave his fucking head like a douchebag. This is nothing if not a fitting punishment for a man who has intentionally appeared in movies like Dreamcatcher, The Girl Next Door, Catch and Release, and motherfucking Rock Star alongside the artist formerly known as Marky Mark.

I'd rather get stabbed in the spleen while licking the bottom of a liposuction clinic's garbage can than be in a movie with Marky Mark, dude.