Metal Gear Solid is Totally Not 20 Years Late

Yes, that's right, someone in Hollywood still has an original Playstation, and dammit, they want a motherfucking movie:

"The plan is to turn the decade old Konami game series into a character-driven futuristic spy thriller reports the trades.

The game centers on Solid Snake, a Special Forces operative called out of retirement for one last mission.

With terrorists threatening a nuclear facility in Alaska, Snake must penetrate their defenses and neutralize the threat.

Michael De Luca is producing and "Metal" creator Hideo Kojima is executive producing."

Let me answer your pathetic questioning with a steel-toed boot to the face: NO, Hollywood is not completely out of worthwhile ideas for movies yet. That's not at all what this news is a sign of, and you should shut your fucking filthy Communist mouth before I go all Nicholas-Cage-In-The-Wicker-Man on your ass.

The conclusive proof that they've run out of ideas, of course, will be when we get an Echo The Dolphin movie. Starring Rob Schneider.

CRAB BATTLE!

Timothy Olyphant Probably Couldn't Kill You

Even so, it appears the cinematic world expects you to believe otherwise. This almost criminally caucasian actor has signed on to be the star in the upcoming adaptation of the video game Hitman.

The best part about this news is essentially that it forces Olyphant to shave his fucking head like a douchebag. This is nothing if not a fitting punishment for a man who has intentionally appeared in movies like Dreamcatcher, The Girl Next Door, Catch and Release, and motherfucking Rock Star alongside the artist formerly known as Marky Mark.

I'd rather get stabbed in the spleen while licking the bottom of a liposuction clinic's garbage can than be in a movie with Marky Mark, dude.