Thursday, November 30, 2006

Bruce Willis Is Metal


There's a new picture of Bruce Willis on the set of the upcoming Live Free Or Die Hard over at Latino Review, and despite being obviously 76 years old, Bruce still looks like he's ready to kick ass.

Some have suggested that Bruce is calling for a timeout in the picture, presumably because he's too old to even be carbon-dated at this point, let alone film a physically demanding action movie.

That's incorrect.

What Bruce is actually doing is triumphantly signaling the letter "T" to surrounding crew members. What does T stand for? T, my friends, stands for Terrorists. As in the people whose blood Bruce Willis is bathing in and must consume daily to keep his super-strength and laser vision.

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Washed Up Racist Assholes Of A Feather Flock Together



I'm tempted not to post this, as neither man has made a movie worth using as a blunt object to beat either of them to death for 10 years, but Mel Gibson is publicly expressing how bad he feels for Michael Richards:

"The movie mogul, who hit the headlines this summer for making drunken anti-Semitic remarks to a California highway patrol cop, insists he knows what Richards is going through. The comic is desperately trying to make amends with African-American groups after repeating the word "n**ger" in an angry rant aimed at two black hecklers during a recent show at The Laugh Factory. Gibson tells America's Entertainment Weekly magazine, 'I felt like sending Michael Richards a note. I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don't need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape. But my heart went out to the guy... I like him.'"

Hearing that sort of sentiment is this close to heartwarming, but I won't believe either man is actually sorry until each goes 1-on-1 with the cultures that they offended.

GIBSON VS. THE JEWS!

KRAMER VS. THE BLACKS!

CAGE MATCH!

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!

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The Fantastic Four Drive A Car?


Let's just say, hypothetically, that you can set yourself on fire whenever you want (well, anyone can do that, but let's say you can do it without dying in horrible screaming pain immediately afterwards). Let's also say that, while on fire, you can fucking fly around at a thousand miles an hour and shoot fireballs everywhere.

If you are the Human Torch, are you driving anywhere? Why would you? You could, like, drive to the store, sure, but why would you do that when you could go firebomb an entire continent at your leisure and just fly past the drive-through on your way back?

Answer: You wouldn't, and that's why the Fantastic Four fucking sucks. AGAIN.

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Kazz's Review Corner: Stranger Than Fiction



(Note that this is filled with spoilers. I don't care about spoiling worthless plots, though, so go ahead and read it if you're not of the delusion that this movie is worth seeing for yourself.)

I like movies that fuck with reality. Fight Club did it. Donnie Darko did it. Charlie Kaufman does it by accident in his sleep. I think it's cool to break the way the world works. It's fun, and the movies that do it tend to be really interesting, no matter how stupid the plot ends up being.

So how is it that a movie that breaks reality ends up being worse for the fact? How did I go to a movie that shatters reality as a matter of course and end up wishing to God that, by the end, they'd reveal that it was all a dream? Why do I have to be put in a position to wish for the biggest cop-out ending of all time, out of the honest feeling that it would help? What sort of movie fucks its own premise up so badly that I wanted it to fix reality?

Stranger Than Fiction is the story of a lonely, socially-awkward IRS agent named Harold Crick. After an opening scene featuring way more CGI than ever belonged in a Will Ferrell movie, he suddenly and inexplicably begins to hear a female Brit narrating his life. She accurately depicts his every action, and perfectly predicts the future. So, naturally, Harold is mildly concerned when she reveals that the re-setting of his watch will be the event that leads to his tragic death. Of course, we saw that much in the trailer.

So, Harold spends the better part of the movie screaming angrily at the sky, trying to figure out why this voice is following him, how it knows everything, and especially, why he's going to die. He sees a psychiatrist, who says he has schizophrenia, but because he's a retard who doesn't believe completely plausible diagnoses, he runs off to enlist the help of a university literature professor played by Dustin Hoffman. So they go on a cross-country road trip and Harold realizes he loves retards more than money. lol jk. Dustin Hoffman, for no particular reason, completely believes Harold when he says that he's a character in someone else's book, and once he learns that Harold believes he's going to die, he gives him the best advice I've ever heard in the history of the world: "Everybody dies. Deal with it."

So Harold has a brief and implausible romance with a punked-out slut baker named Ana (played half-convincingly by Maggie Gyllenhaal) whom he was unsuccessfully auditing in the beginning of the film, and learns to play guitar, and suddenly cures himself of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and all sorts of other cool stuff. He's learned that life is fantastic. Great. Let's look at another piece of the film.

While all of the action with Harold is going on, we see the author of his book, played by Emma Thompson, trying desperately to figure out how to kill him (although we know from the beginning that it has something to do with his wristwatch, she doesn't seem to figure that out until halfway through the fucking end). To help her in this effort is, Of All Fucking People, Queen God-Damned Latifah. Thankfully, she doesn't actually DO anything in this movie besides give Emma someone to speak out loud to. So, the picture we get is that Emma is writing this book which evidently controls reality.

Long story short, Harold figures out who the author is with Dustin Hoffman's help. So he digs up her IRS records to figure out her phone number and then he goes to call her. We switch perspectives to Emma typing on her typewriter, the words, "The phone rang." And suddenly, her phone rings. She types, "The phone rang again." The phone rings again. "The phone rang a third time." The phone rings a third time. She answers her phone, and it's Harold Crick, her main character.

So at this point, those of us with at least a casual acquaintance with the foundations of logic believe we have figured things out, and even though reality is clearly somewhat twisted in this film to begin with, a few rules of this fantasy universe seem clear: Emma controls reality with her typewriter. Whatever she types seems to occur somewhat immediately. She struggles with this very fact in one scene, after she meets Harold Crick, in which she is lying on a table, lamenting at the thought that she has actually been killing real people by killing the characters of her previous books. So, although we're never able to read the book itself, we logically follow that everything she's written in the book has actually occurred. Right?

So, therefore, we logical people say, the book must be about a person who hears narration of his life, runs around attempting to discover the author, and then does. Right?

Evidently fucking not. She seems ignorant of the fact that he's been running around trying to find the author of his story. She also seems ignorant of the fact that he has been meeting with a literature professor for that very reason. How is this fucking possible, we ask? She was writing the words, "The phone rang." And HER phone rang. So, she must have been writing about how Harold Crick was calling HER, THE AUTHOR, right? If not, who was he calling in the book? What was she writing? We never find out.

You can't have a movie in which one character is revealed to have a magic typewriter that controls reality and then be selective about what actually made it into reality and what was just happenstance. Emma was also writing the romantic plot about Harold and Maggie Gyllenhaal, so did she create Maggie's character herself as well? Did these people appear as soon as Emma thought of them? She narrates several scenes where Harold is talking to people at the office, so did she make up the entire fucking IRS? Perhaps it works the other way around; Emma is unaware of her incredible psychic ability to predict what's happening and what's going to happen, and she just thinks she's actually making it up, whereas she's just recording reality without her knowledge. Of course. It all makes goddamn sense now. Except that she still didn't know that Harold motherfucking spent half the movie looking for her, but I guess we can just overlook that bit.

Anyway, after meeting Harold Crick, she lets him read the book, including the final bit about his death (which was written on a legal pad, not typed, so I guess that means it doesn't happen yet in crazy loopy beat-off-on-my-face-land). He shows it to Dustin Hoffman, who really likes the book, and decides that, and I'm not fucking making this up, that Harold should die for the sake of the book's quality. "No other ending would work," he states. "You have to die." Even more inexplicably, Harold agrees. He goes through the paces, exactly as described in the book, completely aware of why and how he's going to die, totally fucking unconcerned.

Then Emma changes the ending at the last second and he lives. The end.

This movie blows. If you're going to break reality, follow your own fucking rules. This was an SNL skit premise blown up into a 90 minute travesty.



It gets 2 out of 5 wretched bloody fetii, one for each of Maggie Gyllenhaal's tits.

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Will Smith Is Going To Fuck Some Vampires Up


There's some new posters from the upcoming Will Smith movie I Am Legend over at Movies Online.

While the poster itself is brain-implodingly boring ("THIS SUMMER! WILL SMITH! AND! A....car?"), the movie actually has an interesting premise. Will Smith is the last human on Earth. Everyone else - man, woman, child - is a vampire. I've got to admit that that's pretty metal. Slayer could definitely write a song about that. I mean, if the vampires breathed fire, and God and the Devil were battling with axes in the background of the movie the whole time.

While we're at it, let's go down the Official Will Smith Career Ass-Kicking List:

THINGS WILL SMITH HAS KICKED THE ASS OF:
1) Aliens

2)Robots

And perhaps most impressively of all, the most dangerous foe in the known universe:
3)CARLTON

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Lindsay Lohan As...An Annoying Bitch


Annoying bitch Lindsay Lohan is supposedly set to play older annoying bitch Stevie Nicks, so says IMDB:

"The Mean Girls star will act and sing in the movie, which will focus on the Fleetwood Mac star's wild years in the late 1970s and early 1980s. An industry insider tells American publication Life & Style, 'She feels like she's found a dream role in a story about Stevie Nicks at the height of Fleetwood Mac's fame. Lindsay loves the music of that era, and people have told her she has the same distinctive gravelly voice as Stevie's.'"

Thank you, world. Because the only thing I need more than Fleetwood Mac music in my life is shitty covers of Fleetwood Mac music, as performed by the "gravelly-voiced" Lindsay Lohan. It's easy to be gravelly-voiced when your vocal chords are caked with roadie semen, you know.

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Venom Is Never Going To Be Prom Queen


I've endured two relatively shitty Spiderman movies in the past few years with only one shining hope keeping my heart alive. I want to see Venom fuck somebody up, and now the kids over at Screenrant have hooked the world up with the first passably nice image of Blackie McBadTeeth himself.

I'll allow you to make your own judgments on how he looks, but let me just say two things:

1) If he doesn't fucking wreck Kirsten Dunst's face, there are going to be riots in the streets.
2) DAMN, VENOM! Don't drag your teeth, baby!

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Monday, November 27, 2006

Charlie Sheen Could Use Some More Money, Please


In news that should be surprising to absolutely no one, Charlie Sheen is desperately trying to sell shit to make money. IMDB reports he's now auctioning off a letter from Marlon Brando that he received in 1991:

"The actor invited Brando to his 26th birthday party in 1991, but the heavyweight star - who appeared in Apocalpyse Now with Sheen's father Martin - was too ill to attend. The letter reads, 'I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to powdered East Indian vulva. I really feel bad for not showing up at your birthday bash but I really feel s**tty and best stay in bed. I'm sure it will be a kick in the ass, and I hate to miss it - Happiest of birthdays to you, Charlie.'"

I'll ignore the fact that Marlon Brando wrote Charlie Sheen about consuming urine and powdered East Indian vulva. Let's focus instead on the following:

a) Charlie Sheen is still alive.
b) Charlie Sheen has successfully saved something that he received in 1991 without smoking it or peddling it on the street.
c) Charlie Sheen is still on television.
d) Charlie Sheen is still alive.

It's sad that he has to sell important personal effects like that to make money, though. You'd think that the royalties from Hot Shots would sustain him forever, wouldn't you?

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Da Vinci Code Sequel Has A (Rich) Writer


If you're still wondering what the right career to pursue is, here's another indication that you should probably be thinking about writing mediocre screenplays. Dark Horizons is reporting that some dude has been paid around $4 million to write the upcoming sequel to The Da Vinci Code:

"Talk about your cushy gig - scribe Akiva Goldsman has been offered US$4 million to write the screen version of "Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown's "Angels & Demons".

The deal is apparently the largest amount of money offered upfront to a screenwriter solely for a script."

It's good that Goldsman is being given this much money, because at least we can all be assured that he can write the script ON FUCKING ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS.

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Sean Connery Is The King of All Idiots


Cinematical has a kooky little story about Sean Connery. Turns out Connery was offered the role of Gandalf in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, and, hilariously, a 10 to 15 percent share of the films' income:

"Peter Jackson is quoted as saying that Rings executive producer Mark Ordesky told him "New Line was prepared to give him [Connery] between 10 percent and 15 percent of the films' income." Had that happened, Connery would have cashed more scratch for a single project than any actor in history.

The famously prickly Connery has gone on record saying that he wouldn't have taken the role of the big-hatted wizard because 'I never understood it. I read the book, I read the script, I saw the movie, and I still don't understand it.'"

I don't think "whoops" really covers how sheepish you should feel if you turn down 15 percent of the gross of the most profitable movie series of our generation. I think "whoops, I will now end my life with a hammer to the skull," is much more appropriate.

Personally, I think it's also fair to assume Sean hasn't really been present and accounted for mentally for about twenty years now. Furthermore, watching The Rock is a lot more entertaining if you believe that Sean didn't really even know a movie was being filmed. He was just having a really crazy couple of weeks, dude.

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Anne Hatheway Is Agent 99


Dark Horizons is reporting that Anne Hathaway is pretty much on board to play Agent 99 alongside Steve Carell in the new version of "Get Smart" scheduled to hit theaters next year.

I'd be more excited about this if I had any idea who the Hell Anne Hathaway is. A quick google image search reveals mostly various shots of her nipple slips and anytime she's shown her breasts in movies, so hey, that's promising. Maybe they can throw Sharon Stone in, too, just to guarantee the proprietors of celebrityboobyland.com a little more work.

Coming this Summer! "Get Smart 2: Bouncing Boobie Hour!"

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Digital Bruce Lee Can Still Kick Your Ass


Director Rob Cohen told Latino Review that he's going to make a new Bruce Lee movie featuring an entirely digital rendition of the overwhelmingly dead action star. Cohen wrote:

"The big headline is that I am NOT using clips from the film; I am creating an entirely photo-realistic Bruce Lee with new, advanced digital technlogy. Digital Domain who did "XXX" and "Stealth" with me are on it big time. We are in the vfx development stage.

This will be the first digital actor and I am very excited about the challenge.

We do have the rights to Bruce's films but the lines are all I am going to use. The Lee Family is also involved with me and Dreamworks."

This, of course, brings up all sorts of interesting questions. For instance, when the new Bruce Lee finally appears, do we officially refer to him (it?) as "Matrix Bruce Lee?" Perhaps "Zombie Bruce Lee?" An amalgation? "Zombie Matrix Bruce Lee 2k6?" And furthermore, who wins in a fight between Zombie Matrix Bruce Lee 2k6 and God? What if Jesus runs in, mid-match, with a steel chair?

WHAT IF THE NEW BRUCE LEE IS IMPERVIOUS TO CHAIR SHOTS FROM THE SON OF GOD?

Monday, November 20, 2006

David Blaine Seriously Hates Himself


I realize this has nothing to do with movies, but I figure if I have to know about it, everyone else should be told about the latest details regarding alleged entertainer David Blaine's upcoming stunt:

"David Blaine will spend two days in a spinning gyroscope before attempting to escape from shackles in his latest public stunt. The illusionist revealed his new plans for the New York stunt, which begins later this month, at a press conference on Friday. The 33-year-old will be locked spread eagle into a gyroscope before being dangled 50 feet above Times Square in New York. Blaine will be spun up to eight times every minute for two days, after which he will begin his attempt to escape. Adding more difficulty to the stunt, the 'open' gyroscope will leave Blaine exposed to the harsh New York winter. He says, 'Just to make it more difficult on myself, I added a motor (to the gyroscope), so even when I'm sleeping there'll be continuous movement... I think I'm going to have to stay awake the whole time. This one's exciting for me. This one's a fun one.'"

I like magic. Really, I do. Magic tricks, with bunnies and top hats and smoke and the statue of liberty disappearing are the cat's meow as far as I'm concerned. But allow me to be clear: THIS IS NOT MAGIC, and THIS IS NOT IMPRESSIVE. Imagine someone came up to you and excitedly said, "Hey! I've got an idea for a feat of endurance! I'm gonna spin around until I get REALLY DIZZY!" Would you start screaming in anticipation and tossing money at them? No, you'd probably give them a sad smile and pat them on the head, inwardly reminding yourself to tell your sane friends about the "character" you met on the subway earlier that day. The one that stunk of human feces.

If you really want to impress us, Dave, I have an idea for a public stunt. It's called "Hit Yourself In The Balls! With A Hammer!"

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Peter Jackson Tells Hobbits To Go Fuck Themselves


In a move that will undoubtedly send packs of geeks streaming off of cliffs like the lemmings that they are, Peter Jackson says he's not doing any more Lord of the Rings movies.

Think about it this way. No, you'll never again be able to watch a 33-hour extended edition of a Tolkien movie ("Featuring deleted scenes! Watch Gollum take a fucking shit!"), and you'll never again have a good excuse to put Liv Tyler in a skimpy outfit and elf ears (though she'll probably end up doing that before her career is over anyway). But on the positive side, this is yet another precursor to Orlando Bloom's career spiraling into drug-riddled obscurity.

And let's face it, friends, the day that we finally see him, on the Surreal Life 87, living with Verne Troyer, Tommy Lee, and Kevin Federline will be the absolute peak of western civilization.

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Friday, November 17, 2006

Another Shitty Movie Gets A Shitty Remake


Hey, thanks Variety! News that ruins my day! That's right, "The Thing," that 1980's horror classic, is getting a remake.

It's a little early to condemn the movie, but let me ask perhaps the most fundamentally important question that exists for a horror movie: are there little creepy asian girls? If not, well, I just don't know if I care.


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Tyler Perry Makes More Movies; World Confirms God Is Dead


In news that likely made bibles everywhere start bursting into flames as God's heart imploded, Dark Horizons is reporting that Lionsgate has picked up the rights to the next two films by "Madea's Family Reunion" creator Tyler Perry.

I'm going to go ahead and advise you to stay home from work for the next few days, everyone. Because once the world hears that there's going to be more movies made by Tyler Perry, well, rivers of blood are probably going to run through the streets, and that makes your morning commute a whole lot less pleasant.

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Rupert Murdoch Doesn't Seem To Realize Russell Crowe Will Annihilate Him


Imdb reported yesterday on Rupert Murdoch, the chairman of News Corp and a dude with enough money that he should be collecting royalties every time someone says, "Rich Fuckhead," foolishly ridiculing Russell Crowe's new movie:

"News Corp Chairman Rupert Murdoch has called A Good Year, 20th Century Fox's newest release starring Russell Crowe, "a flop" and has forecast that it will result in a $20-million loss for the studio. "

Rupert, Rupert, Rupert. You would think someone with the name Rupert would learn from years of grade school beatings not to publicly mess with the crazy person. The crazy person has been glowering in the corner for six hours, Rupert, and he's been sharpening a fucking pencil with a massive army knife he keeps in his trench coat. Now, do you waddle over enthusiastically, smack him on the back of the head, and start recounting in detail a sexual encounter you've had with his mother?

NO! YOU WALK THE FUCK AWAY!

But now you went and criticized his art, and, well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, Rupert, but it's totally legal to murder someone in Australia.

They can speak to the Crocodiles, too.

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Breaking Report: Owen Wilson Still A Fucking Douchebag



This post on People's website allegedly has a picture of Owen Wilson on the set of his new movie, "Drillbit Taylor," but I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on that information instead of how much I want to punch him in the face.

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New Harry Potter Poster Is Freakish



Dark Horizons has a brand new poster of what appears to be the villain in the latest Harry Potter movie, and holy shit, it's freakish.

Now normally, I'd usually take a nice, long, testicle squeezing over even thinking about Harry Potter for any extended period of time, but let's stop and consider something for a second. Let's just say, hypothetically, that you're an evil wizard God. As an evil wizard God, you've got powers beyond comprehension, you've got cronies doing your bidding, and odds are you've got a bitchin' cape and a big magic stick to wave around and fuck people up with.

You've got all of these resources at your disposal, and yet, you still can't find the time to cut your fucking fingernails? Seriously, there's a reason you're not getting a date to the prom, evil wizard God from Harry Potter, and it's because your hygenic habits blows.

And you probably listen to AFI.

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

"Borat" Extras Are Totally Going To Fuckin' Sue



IMDB says that the Romanian villagers who acted as Borat's fellow impoverished mongrels are going to sue the shit out of Sascha Baron Cohen for portraying them as...um...impoverished mongrels:

"Gypsy citizens of Glod are outraged that Cohen ridiculed their lifestyle in Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan, which has topped international box offices, and paid them a pittance to allow farm animals into their homes. Local leader Nicolae Staicu will meet with a public ombudsman today to formulate legal action against Cohen and distributor 20th Century Fox. Staicu accused the producers of paying locals just $4 to perform degrading acts, misleading the village into thinking filming was for a documentary and refusing to sign proper filming contracts. Resident Dana Luca, 40, says, "We thought they came here to help us - not mock us. We haven't got anything here. We haven't got running water. We can't even bathe. We are poor people, but we are still people."

When asked to comment, Cohen responded by laughing hysterically and continuing to roll around on a bed made of money.

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Fantastic Four Sequel Coming; World Weeps Softly In Agony



It's silly to believe in Satan, but one finds it harder and harder not to buy into the Prince of Darkness when ANOTHER movie is being made that does not - I repeat, does NOT - feature Jessica Alba naked.

Why are we paying for this? I can't speak for the public, but I know I'D much rather see Ms. Alba being mercilessly slammed by the Thing for an hour and a half. And we can call it "Schindler's List 2: The Revenge," you know, to secure the Oscar vote.

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