The Silver Surfer Is Wicked Emo

USA Today has the first picture up of the Silver Surfer from the upcoming Fantastic Four sequel.

Judging from the picture, I'd say that the movie hinges around the conflict that arises when members of the Fantastic Four steal the Silver Surfer's favorite My Chemical Romance album and keep him from painting his nails black like usual. Also, band practice for his Staind tribute band, I Hate You Dad, got canceled because of the whole deal. And he's a cutter.

The Fantastic Four Drive A Car?

Let's just say, hypothetically, that you can set yourself on fire whenever you want (well, anyone can do that, but let's say you can do it without dying in horrible screaming pain immediately afterwards). Let's also say that, while on fire, you can fucking fly around at a thousand miles an hour and shoot fireballs everywhere.

If you are the Human Torch, are you driving anywhere? Why would you? You could, like, drive to the store, sure, but why would you do that when you could go firebomb an entire continent at your leisure and just fly past the drive-through on your way back?

Answer: You wouldn't, and that's why the Fantastic Four fucking sucks. AGAIN.

Fantastic Four Sequel Coming; World Weeps Softly In Agony

It's silly to believe in Satan, but one finds it harder and harder not to buy into the Prince of Darkness when ANOTHER movie is being made that does not - I repeat, does NOT - feature Jessica Alba naked.

Why are we paying for this? I can't speak for the public, but I know I'D much rather see Ms. Alba being mercilessly slammed by the Thing for an hour and a half. And we can call it "Schindler's List 2: The Revenge," you know, to secure the Oscar vote.