Hey! 300 MORE Spartans!

Faster than you can say "rolling around in endless piles of money," there's talks of a sequel to massive, pulsating man-movie 300. Be still, my beating, fully erect, hungry for blood and combat cock:

"Of course a direct sequel is out of the question, but now Variety reports that Frank Miller is hard at work prepping a follow-up to "300" based on another mythic tale from Greek history.

Which one though? Miller won't divulge details, and in any case is busy prepping to helm the "Sin City" sequel (due to begin filming inn June), an adaptation of Will Eisner's "The Spirit" and has comic commitments."

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO LIVE IN SPARTA.

XERXES IS BACK, AND HE WANTS MOOOOOOORE STUFF!

"Give me some more of your stuff?"

WE NEED 300 MORE SPARTANS!

COMING. THIS SUMMER.

Aaron Eckhart Excited To Have His Face Burned Off

Aaron Eckhart is going to be Two Face in the next Batman movie, and he's giddy as a schoolgirl at the prospect of eventually having his face burned off on camera. But then, what schoolgirl isn't excited about that sort of thing? It's a rite of passage, like having your period or unwanted pregnancy.

""Batman is a complex character, and Two-Face comes a little bit from the same world," Eckhart told MTV.com. "But [at the same time] he's apart from it. ... I'm looking for the tension between the two, the similarities between the two."

He added, "I want to find what's similar to Batman and then find what's opposite to him."

Eckhart confirmed that he will only play Dent in Dark Knight but will portray Two-Face in the next Bat-film. He would not, however, comment on the rumor that The Joker (Heath Ledger) is responsible for Dent's scarring and transformation from good guy to bad."

To assist Eckhart in researching the role, many fans - myself included - will be offered the chance to throw a tennis ball at a target. If they hit the target, Eckhart, sitting on a collapsible chair, will be plunged into a boiling pool of hydrochloric acid.

It's called method acting, people.

Robert De Niro Won't Stop Making Shit

Robert De Niro has officially signed on for another Meet The Fockers movie.

" Director Jay Roach and the producers are presently planning the film's story with Larry Stuckey officially penning the script reports Variety.

The plan is for all the principals from the previous film to return - DeNiro, Blythe Danner, Ben Stiller, Teri Polo, Barbara Streisand and Dustin Hoffman.

Both "Meet the Parents" and "Meet the Fockers' have pulled in a total of $845 million in worldwide ticket sales."

In related news, I have been holding a pistol barrel in my quivering mouth for over an hour now, and I swear to fucking God I will pull the trigger if someone doesn't stop this franchise before it makes a billion dollars. A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.

Don't Fuck With John Rambo

Certain heroes in our culture are destined to live forever. James Bond, Batman, those fucking cavemen from the car insurance commercials, and, finally, 80-year-old dudes who (apparently) hunt the native peoples of Burma for sport. In case you didn't know, there's a new Rambo coming out, and fuck, it's going to be badass, because now he's got a first name to go along with his millions of flesh-ripping bullets of freedom.

"After a variety of title (and storyline) changes, it seems that the soon to be shooting fourth film in Sylvester Stallone's Rambo series has yet another name. And this time it's a pared-down one: John Rambo."

It's a good thing that Rambo's title has a first name included, because if there's one thing that terrorists and people from Burma are scared of, it's American first names. And holy water, and not shitting in caves. But mostly the name part.

People Getting Tortured Continues To Be Funny

I know that we've rabbits and rainbows and the Geneva conventions and all of that hippie bullshit, but goddamn, watching people get tortured never gets old, does it? The producers of the Saw franchise certainly don't think so, as they've greenlighted yet another sequel.

"Yep, after helming such varied films as "Saw 2" and "Saw 3," Mr. Bousman will indeed be returning for "Saw 4," which begins shooting mid-April in Toronto. Earlier nerd-buzz indicated that production designer David Hackl would be stepping up to the directorial plate, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

Fortunately Darren B. does have a non-"Saw" project cooking between Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate. It's a rather strange-sounding piece called "Repo! The Genetic Opera," but I'm guessing that flick won't get underway until "Saw 4" is put to bed ... or he's roped back in to "Saw 5."

Ah, and it seems that the final "Saw 4" screenplay has been chosen; it's the one written by "Feast" scribes Marcus Dunston and Patrick Melton.

"Saw 4" opens on October 26th."

Sadly, Twisted Pictures has idiotically passed on my idea to revolutionize the Saw movies: ticklefights! It's like cooking a Thanksgiving dinner: First you tickle the shit out of them and then, only then, do you start drilling open skulls. I'm not sure why that's like Thanksgiving dinner, to be honest.

I hate my family's holiday traditions.

Two Face Has A Butt Chin

The actors of the world who were actually born with half their face horribly disfigured by acid will have to wait longer for their day in the sun. Aaron Eckhart is Two Face. Suck on it, halfies.


Awww, poor Halfie.

The Dark Knight, the upcoming Batman sequel, now has most of its headlining cast set. The only negative news to come out of this development is that the upcoming filming of the movie will have to pay extensive zoning restriction fines to accommodate Aaron Eckhart's massive fucking head.

Toy Story Continues To Be Way Too Fucking Long Of A Story

In news that takes the unwise step of pushing me even closer to total, uncontrollable madness, there will be another Toy Story:

""Toy Story 3" is coming in 2009 said Disney Pictures at an investor conference on Thursday reports Variety.

Pixar reps provided extensive details on the project which "Finding Nemo" and "Toy Story 2" co-director Lee Unkrich will helm solely this time around. Michael Arndt ("Little Miss Sunshine") is penning the script."

Here's what I don't get about these movies. There's been two movies about these fucking toys, and not a single goddamn one of them has gotten a catastrophic, malicious haircut / scalping. Furthermore, is there anyone out there who didn't cut their toys in half with a machete regularly? It's awful tough for Woody and Buzz Lightyear to be so chipper and cute when they're reduced to screaming, helpless toy torsos.

Perhaps that was just a regional thing.

Prayers For New Ghostbusters Finally Answered

If you've spent any time amongst the youth of today's America, you'd know that in between the near-constant thump of techno music and the hazy cloud of ecstasy hits and flashing lights, there's one thing on the kids' minds.

Another motherfucking Ghostbusters movie.

And now, thanks to the tearful, high-pitched begging enthusiasm of series vet Dan Aykroyd, it looks like the project is picking up some steam.

"[Aykroyd]:""We go to the hell side of Manhattan, downtown, Foley Square. It's all where the cops are -- they are all blue minotaurs. Central Park is this huge peat mine with green demons there, surrounded by black onyx thousand-foot high apartment buildings with classic red devils, very wealthy. We go and visit a Donald Trump-like character who is Mr. Sifler. Luke Sifler. Lu-cifer. So we meet the devil in it. Now, it won't happen as a live-action, because Billy will not come on in the live-action stage anymore for it, but he will voice his part and we're looking to do it as a CGI-animated project. It lives. It lives today. Last year it didn't. This year it lives. With CGI animation and the way these cartoons are done, we can do everything I ever wrote in that script for much less money.""

Wow, that doesn't sound convoluted and shitty at all, Dan. Thanks for Coneheads, by the way.

It's a good thing that if it does happen, it'll probably happen in CGI. I realize that the rest of the American viewing public wouldn't want to watch the proposed third act of the live-action Ghostbusters 3 script, which involves Dan Aykroyd weeping and pissing himself for forty-five minutes.

That's already my computer's screen saver, so I'm used to it.

Start Getting In Line To See Ja Rule Get Tortured

If you're reading this, it's already too late, as I've paid several hundred thousand people to start reserving spots in line for me to see Saw 4. You know why? Because Ja Rule gets tortured in the first scene!

"I’ve actually just read the script to the upcoming sequel, set to film in March, and the details I’ve given you are indeed true. The little girl i talk of is Jeff’s daughter… and you will be completely shocked when you see what Jeff and his daughter have to endure in Part 4. Actor, song writer, and rapper Ja Rule has also been cast to star in the films opening scene on the first day of shooting in Toronto. More details as I recieve."

Yes, Ja, I remember seeing you on TRL as a younger man, and holy Christ, even as a teenager I wished to see you impaled in several hilarious ways. Hope you enjoyed your three minutes in the spotlight, bro. Here's hoping there's fire and red-hot metal! Holler!

Hey Angelina Jolie! Fuck you!

These are, of course, the words of idiot (and likely testicleless) director Robert Rodriguez. Reportedly, he's gotten tired of waiting for Angelina Jolie for the next Sin City and is now wooing Rachel Weisz for her role, instead.

"For a while now it has been pretty much accepted that Robert Rodriguez has wanted Angelina Jolie as the star of his sequel to "Sin City" sub-story 'A Dame To Kill For'.

Scheduling conflicts have prevented it though and caused enough delays that according to a rumour over at Cinema Blend, Jolie has been ousted in favour of British babe Rachel Weisz."

I'm sure that Sin City fans are devastated by this news. Obviously, Jolie is an actress to be reckoned with (maybe? She was...in Tomb Raider?), but Weisz is pretty damned good, too. I hear tell she comes fully equipped with ample breasts and a fully funtioning vagina, as well. Yee-haw!

People Keep Going To Motherfuckin' Egypt

At some point, you'd think that even a person with no eyes and no brain would make the connection that Going To Egypt and Messing with Shit = Hurty by the Bad Undead Monster Mummy. Apparently not, because director Rob Cohen is in talks to take the helm for yet another sequel to The Mummy in which Brendan Fraser, astoundingly, WILL NOT DIE.

Everything human in my soul is screaming for me to undertake a holy mission of vengence against Universal for thinking of doing this, but hey, it makes a whole lot more sense for them to keep the Mummy series going than to finance a Halo adaptation.

OH WAIT NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T.

Naomi Watts Hates Her Career

It's not enough to enthusiastically allow yourself to be slammed by a giant fuckin' gorilla these days. You've also got to attach yourself to numerous shitty remakes and bad sequels in order to kill a once promising career. This explains recent rumors surrounding the occasionally-hot Naomi Watts.

Watts has is attached to not one, but two shitty ideas for movies. First, there's the planned third Ring sequel. Nothing confirmed, but something tells me there will be a creepy little fuckhead chillin' in a well. Pretty impolite, especially for those out there who get their drinking water from a well.

Secondly, there's the ultimate good idea of remaking The Birds. Yes, because not only is it a fucking movie about fucking crazy birds (we're talking tweet tweet here, people), but it's also redoing a Hitchcock flick. And shit, that went so well before!

The Silver Surfer Is Wicked Emo

USA Today has the first picture up of the Silver Surfer from the upcoming Fantastic Four sequel.

Judging from the picture, I'd say that the movie hinges around the conflict that arises when members of the Fantastic Four steal the Silver Surfer's favorite My Chemical Romance album and keep him from painting his nails black like usual. Also, band practice for his Staind tribute band, I Hate You Dad, got canceled because of the whole deal. And he's a cutter.

Oh Thank Christ, Mrs. Doubtfire Is Dead

After a terrifying few months when I woke up in a cold sweat every night screaming, "DOUBTFIRE!" and bleeding from both ears, Robin Williams has finally set my soul at ease. He says a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel probably won't happen.

"Williams apparently said something along the lines of '...if it's not done right, it's not worth doing.' Williams also hinted that the character would come back one day, just not now and not in this current incarnation. This would seem to indicate dissatisfaction with either Bonnie Hunt's script or Fox's plans for it, but it's unsure as of yet."

If there ever is a sequel, there's only one way it should be allowed to go. I don't normally like to campaign for the death of old women, but Jesus Christ, is there anyone who wouldn't throw down $9.50 to go see Mrs. Doubtfire get pummelled for two hours?

The Passion of Mrs. Doubtfire!

The Hills Have Eyes 2: Mutants Still Fuckin' Rule

Firstly - and let me admit this goes right into the category of "things I never actually expected to be able to say" - thank God for Eat My Brains, for showing me a poster that restores my faith in the ability of desert mutants to fucking rule.

Now, I realize The Hills Have Eyes sucked. However, I also realize that, whatever the plot deficiencies may have been, the movie also included the following elements:
1) Mutants
2) Mutant Rape
3) Throat-ripping Dogs
4) Mutants
5) Dude Get Blown-The-Fuck-Away By A Shotgun To The Face
6) MOTHERFUCKING MUTANTS.

And so, in conclusion, this poster and the news of the undoubtedly similarly bloody sequel to come makes a glorious hymn of joy alight my heart. No more crying and listening to My Chemical Romance for this guy! The Hills Have Eyes 2 is coming! YEAH!

Bruce Willis Is Metal

There's a new picture of Bruce Willis on the set of the upcoming Live Free Or Die Hard over at Latino Review, and despite being obviously 76 years old, Bruce still looks like he's ready to kick ass.

Some have suggested that Bruce is calling for a timeout in the picture, presumably because he's too old to even be carbon-dated at this point, let alone film a physically demanding action movie.

That's incorrect.

What Bruce is actually doing is triumphantly signaling the letter "T" to surrounding crew members. What does T stand for? T, my friends, stands for Terrorists. As in the people whose blood Bruce Willis is bathing in and must consume daily to keep his super-strength and laser vision.

The Fantastic Four Drive A Car?

Let's just say, hypothetically, that you can set yourself on fire whenever you want (well, anyone can do that, but let's say you can do it without dying in horrible screaming pain immediately afterwards). Let's also say that, while on fire, you can fucking fly around at a thousand miles an hour and shoot fireballs everywhere.

If you are the Human Torch, are you driving anywhere? Why would you? You could, like, drive to the store, sure, but why would you do that when you could go firebomb an entire continent at your leisure and just fly past the drive-through on your way back?

Answer: You wouldn't, and that's why the Fantastic Four fucking sucks. AGAIN.

Da Vinci Code Sequel Has A (Rich) Writer

If you're still wondering what the right career to pursue is, here's another indication that you should probably be thinking about writing mediocre screenplays. Dark Horizons is reporting that some dude has been paid around $4 million to write the upcoming sequel to The Da Vinci Code:

"Talk about your cushy gig - scribe Akiva Goldsman has been offered US$4 million to write the screen version of "Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown's "Angels & Demons".

The deal is apparently the largest amount of money offered upfront to a screenwriter solely for a script."

It's good that Goldsman is being given this much money, because at least we can all be assured that he can write the script ON FUCKING ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS.

Fantastic Four Sequel Coming; World Weeps Softly In Agony

It's silly to believe in Satan, but one finds it harder and harder not to buy into the Prince of Darkness when ANOTHER movie is being made that does not - I repeat, does NOT - feature Jessica Alba naked.

Why are we paying for this? I can't speak for the public, but I know I'D much rather see Ms. Alba being mercilessly slammed by the Thing for an hour and a half. And we can call it "Schindler's List 2: The Revenge," you know, to secure the Oscar vote.