Even The Military Is Fucking Scared of Jack Bauer

I happen to be among the few people who haven't seen an episode of 24. I am not proud of this fact, yet, I find it personally vindicating to the show that even having never seen a single bit of it, I still know better than to fuck with Jack Bauer. The United States military, however, apparently doesn't. They recently took issue with 24's torture scenes, and have asked them to tone it down a bit.

"Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan recently visited the set of the hit show in California to speak to the show's makers. Finnegan is concerned about the effect the torture scenes are having on US troops abroad as 24 is popular among members of the American armed forces. According to the New Yorker, Finnegan told the producers, "I'd like them to stop. They should do a show where torture backfires. The kids see it and say, 'If torture is wrong, what about 24?' The disturbing thing is that although torture may cause Jack Bauer some angst, it is always the patriotic thing to do." Human Rights First spokesman David Danzig says, "I think there is no question (that torture scenes are having an effect). We have spoken to soldiers with experience in Iraq who say, for young soldiers, there is a direct relationship between what they are doing in their jobs and what they see on TV. The image of the US and its military is being affirmed.""

Interestingly enough, no prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were asked whether or not the torture scenes have had an effect on their daily lives. This is probably either because they happen to be intensely loyal fans of the show, or maybe just due to the fact that our brave men and women have long since removed their tongues.

GOOOOOOOOOO AMERICA!

By the time you read this, Jack Bauer will have already assassinated the entirety of the United States military in order to express his annoyance at their requests to change the show. Like you didn't see that coming.

Congress: Hooray Uggos!

In news that should restore your desire to drink until your heart stops, the United States' Congress has actually taken time to salute America Ferrera's Golden Globe win. On the floor. While they're in session. You know, making motherfucking laws.

"Congresswoman Hilda L. Solis from California took to the floor of the US House of Representatives on Wednesday to publicly salute the star. Solis said, "Madame Speaker, I rise today to congratulate American Ferrera for winning the Golden Globe for best actress in a comedy for her work in ABC show Ugly Betty. Through her work, Ms. Ferrera is breaking down barriers for Latinos in prime-time television. I commend America and everyone involved in Ugly Betty for helping to break down stereotypes and provide a role model for young Latinas.""

No word on why Congress took time off from making sure that the country works to salute Ugly Betty but avoided any sort of mention to other trite "overcoming adversity" shows like Lipless Steve, The Dog Without An Anus, and Julio, The Exploding Honduran Nymphomanic.

The O.C. Is Fucking Cancelled

Dark Horizons is reporting, tragically, that The O.C. has been cancelled. This shouldn't be surprising, as The O.C. is the only show in history that could actually fuck up hot lesbian hookups and Mischa Barton dying.

On the bright side, this frees up Adam Brody for a few embarrassing weeks of publicly dating noted cum dumpsters like Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan and then an overwhelmingly public spiral into drugs, depression, and death. Here's to you, Adam, and I'll be the first one in line at the theatre when you star in House of Wax 2.