Tom Selleck Is Going To Fucking Maim Someone

There are certain time-honored institutions that everyone in our society holds dear, regardless of racial, social, or economic differences. Football on Sunday. Gifts are joyously exchanged on Christmas morning. A ring upon the slender young finger of a bride signifies her engagement to a gentleman caller. And Tom Selleck is motherfucking Magnum P.I. AND ONLY TOM SELLECK.

Some people, though, seem to think that just anyone can don the mustache of justice and start sexing their way through the criminal underground. Yes, that's right, good ol' Matthew McConaughey is rumored to be playing the legendary Magnum in an upcoming movie adaptation. While we're at it, why not just have Chris Tucker play Christ?

If we don't stop this only for the sake of preserving the sanctity of a cultural institution, then someone should at least think of the safety of one our most well-known (and most likely retarded) actors. You think Selleck is going to let this fly?

Have you ever seen Tom Selleck get angry? Of course you haven't. Your tongue would have been burned out if you had. You know who's seen Tom Selleck angry?

The people who were on the Titanic. That's right. No iceberg there, friends, hate to break it to you. Just angry Selleck. The few survivors of Hiroshima, too, they've seen it. Yeah. We dropped no bombs.

We dropped Selleck.