Eli Roth Rachets Up The Vagina Stabbing

Eli Roth has contributed a fake trailer to the Tarantino/Rodriguez awesomefest Grindhouse. Roth's entry, which will be shown between the two longer films along with trailers by Rob Zombie and Edgar Wright, is called Thanksgiving. It's about people getting fucked up, and that's all that you need to know.

Hostel 2....no seriously, that's alright. I'm set.

Thanks, Eli, I seriously appreciate the thought and all, but I think I'm going to go ahead and eat next week instead. I'll totally take a raincheck on the hour and a half of defenseless little girls being mutilated, though. Get back to me next weekend, broseph.

Zombies Continue To Make Everything Around Them Cooler

Just when you thought the world was nothing more than Nicholas Cage movies and eternal darkness of unending pain...look! Zombie movie! Zombie movie trailer! Zowie!

The movie in question is Fido, which revolves around the age-old question of whether or not we can trust domesticated zombie pets. I'm totally fucking serious, and consequently, I'm also totally fucking aroused.

Furthermore, if this doesn't make you question the things that you asked for at Christmastime during your childhood, well, something's wrong. Let me see here...I could have a plastic star wars spaceship toy, or I could have a fucking slave zombie that I can name Humphrey or Bing and, delirious with joy, train to take little annoying bites out of all of my friends. "Give me your bag of Sun Chips, fucko," I'd growl menacingly. "Or Frida my Zombie makes your scrotum into an appetizer platter."

Will Ferrell Makes Another MovIe About How Awesome He Is

There's only so far you can allow Will Ferrell to go before you yank viciously on his leash and pull him back. Okay, Will, you made a movie with Queen Latifah. Allowing it. Okay, you were in The Producers.

You're filming a movie with Jon Heder. Alright, get the fuck back here you fucking douchebag.

Yes, that link will get you to the trailer for Blades of Glory, Ferrell's new figure-skating comedy. In any other case, I'd be making my way to the set on foot to start an aggressive campaign of firebombing, but, sadly for Mr. Flamethrower (it needed a name), the trailer, well, actually looks funny.

Shit.

Transformers Trailer Literally Causes Fanboy Erections To Explode

I've had sex before. But the new Transformers trailer at Yahoo Movies has given me such a painfully large permanent fanboy erection that all of womankind will now instinctually avoid me for the rest of my days.

SERIOUSLY.

ROBOTS.

KILLING.

SHIT BLOWING UP.

This is literally every dream I had as a young boy, rolled into one and packaged neatly for my summer viewing pleasure. Slight cool points deduction for featuring the decidedly non-famous Tyrese Gibson (although it looks like he has a better than average chance of getting viciously stomped by a robot), but I reiterate: ROBOTS.

New Die Hard Fucks Terrorists In The Ass

Enough of this pussy-ass Hostel shit. Give me Bruce Willis (seen above pondering which whippersnapper stole his arthritis medicine and cane), and give me Bruce Willis sending a burning mac-truck spiraling into the waiting asshole of a freedom-hating terrorist. Yay, new Die Hard! Check out the trailer, bitches.

I don't even care what this movie's about. I know two things:

1) Bruce Willis is going to kill a lot of people, and he's gonna kill 'em good.

2) Things are going to blow the fuck up.

I'm going to smuggle a t-bone steak wrapped in an American flag into the theater when this comes out. And I'm going to shout the lyrics to the national anthem while cheerleaders shower me in beer and eat my fucking meat, because Die Hard is a fucking American institution, and I'm excited.