Aaron Eckhart Excited To Have His Face Burned Off

Aaron Eckhart is going to be Two Face in the next Batman movie, and he's giddy as a schoolgirl at the prospect of eventually having his face burned off on camera. But then, what schoolgirl isn't excited about that sort of thing? It's a rite of passage, like having your period or unwanted pregnancy.

""Batman is a complex character, and Two-Face comes a little bit from the same world," Eckhart told MTV.com. "But [at the same time] he's apart from it. ... I'm looking for the tension between the two, the similarities between the two."

He added, "I want to find what's similar to Batman and then find what's opposite to him."

Eckhart confirmed that he will only play Dent in Dark Knight but will portray Two-Face in the next Bat-film. He would not, however, comment on the rumor that The Joker (Heath Ledger) is responsible for Dent's scarring and transformation from good guy to bad."

To assist Eckhart in researching the role, many fans - myself included - will be offered the chance to throw a tennis ball at a target. If they hit the target, Eckhart, sitting on a collapsible chair, will be plunged into a boiling pool of hydrochloric acid.

It's called method acting, people.

Angelina Jolie Not Quite Understanding The Concept

I'm pretty sure that Angelina Jolie was once an actress, wasn't she? It seems as though the only thing she does now is go to places, adopt children, and then think of new places to go. Example: she recently went to Africa in an effort to raise awareness about the problems in the Darfur region of Sudan.

Listen, Angelina, I don't mean to rain on your beautiful, humanitarian hippie crazybitch parade or anything, but I'm pretty sure that impoverished residents of fucking Africa are the last ones you need to remind about how shitty Africa is. This is the rough equivalent of going to a burn ward with some aloe vera and telling someone with no skin, "Hey, you might want to slap some ointment on that bitch."

I'm Marty Scorsese, I've Got An Oscar, So Go Fuck Yourselves

The Oscars were last night. In an effort to keep anyone from offing themselves out of boredom, I'll keep the Oscar report to a bare minimum.

Best Picture: Martin Scorsese for The Departed
It's good that Departed won, because not only was it better than any of the other shit that was nominated, several thousand people would have died by Martin Scorsese's rage-fueled flaming kitana if there had been any other outcome. Know what's scarier than a bitter Italian guy? A bitter Italian guy with a sword and nothing left to live for. COMING THIS SUMMER.

Best Actor: Forest Whittaker for The Last King of Scotland.

lazy eye lazy eye lazy eye lazy eye lazy eyeJust a talented actor here, winning an award he clearly deserved for an impressive lazy eye performance.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren for The Queen

Who? Has she ever been in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie?

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine

Listen, I'm all for giving old people pity oscars and everything, as it's undoubtedly very sweet and compassionate and all, but Jesus. Has anyone actually seen the nominees that this guy - who was in the movie for a half an hour and then died - beat out? You think Eddie Murphy and Marky Mark didn't take a lead pipe to the academy members a few minutes after the ceremony ended? In the future, let's just have a senior citizen ceremony, with paper mache statues and bathroom breaks every minute.

Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls

A former American Idol contestant has won an Oscar. I will now proceed to swallow my tongue and dig my eyes out with a kitchen knife, because the endtimes are upon us.

All The Other Oscars: Nicholas Cage for The Wicker Man

Robert De Niro Won't Stop Making Shit

Robert De Niro has officially signed on for another Meet The Fockers movie.

" Director Jay Roach and the producers are presently planning the film's story with Larry Stuckey officially penning the script reports Variety.

The plan is for all the principals from the previous film to return - DeNiro, Blythe Danner, Ben Stiller, Teri Polo, Barbara Streisand and Dustin Hoffman.

Both "Meet the Parents" and "Meet the Fockers' have pulled in a total of $845 million in worldwide ticket sales."

In related news, I have been holding a pistol barrel in my quivering mouth for over an hour now, and I swear to fucking God I will pull the trigger if someone doesn't stop this franchise before it makes a billion dollars. A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.

Vinnie Jones Wants To Fuck The Shit Out of You

This is easily the best news I've heard in my entire life. Obvious serial killer Vinnie Jones is going to star as a serial killer in - get this - a movie called Midnight Meat Train. I'm jumping up and down with excitement about this, honestly.

"Jones will portray Mahogany, a serial killer who rides the midnight subways, looking for victims to butcher before the train reaches the last stop.

Leslie Bibb and Brooke Shields have also taken roles in the film scheduled to begin production next month in Los Angeles."

I'm really not even sure this is a real movie. Part of me thinks this is the best name for a porn I've ever heard of, but another part of me thinks that Vinnie Jones, in his constant hunger for flesh, thought to himself, "If I send out a casting call, I can lure hundreds of cast and crew members to the cave! I WILL HAVE MANFLESH THIS NIGHT!" This is just the best fake name Vinnie could come up with besides Vinnie's Going To Kill Your Ass For Dinner.

So, I guess what I'm saying if you're interested in seeing Brooke Shields before she's been mega-raped to death, you had better stop by her house and say hello before this movie starts shooting.

Movie Lesson: Don't Fuck With Alien Artifacts

If there's one lesson that movies constantly reinforce for us, it's that humans are unforgivably, unbelievably, borderline-needing-a-helmet stupid. Witness the plot of the upcoming Area 52:

"Benderspink has acquired rights to "Area 52," a comic book by Brian Haberlin.

The story follows a group of misfit soldiers stationed at a remote military base in Antarctica who learn that they are guarding a storage facility in which top-secret, otherworldly technologies and weapons are kept and analyzed. A murderous alien, hatched from something believed to be an artifact, stalks the soldiers, who must team to defeat it."

Listen. Let's go ahead and picture you've fought to conceal your overwhelming retardation for your entire life and have made it just long enough to secure a high-ranking military post on a top secret post. I'll ignore the fact that you must be far too stupid to string together a sentence, let alone defend a location vital to our national security.

You come upon an alien artifact in the basement or the break room or whatever, and you think, "Well, hey, this looks like the gateway to happy funtime! I'ma gonna investimigate! *chuckle*"

And then you poke it.

Honestly, at this point, you need to die, just so that balance is restored to the universe. I'm going to say this one time and one time only: DON'T POKE AN ALIEN ARTIFACT. Nothing good is going to happen! There's no candy! Leave it alone! Jesus fucking christ!

Hey, thanks Viacom! You're made of fucking dicks!

Ever notice how you can't find your favorite clip of Dave Chappelle screaming about Rick James and bitches and such anymore on youtube? Yeah, well thank Viacom, the company that owns a bunch of shit and doesn't want you to have it unless it's through their cheap knock-off web site.

"Viacom, which ordered that all of the clips from its cable networks be pulled off YouTube two weeks ago, will allow them to return to a new video website, Joost, the Wall Street Journal reported today, saying that the deal is likely to be announced today (Tuesday). Under it, Viacom has agreed to license hundreds of hours of programming from MTV, Comedy Central, Nickelodeon, BET, Spike, and its other cable networks as well as movies made by Viacom-owned Paramount Pictures."

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure that Google owns Youtube. And I'm also pretty sure that with the combined teen and college student appeal that Google and Youtube attract, they could - in a single day, mind you - raise a vicious, merciless army of darkness to march upon Viacom headquarters to take back their Rick James Bitch with axes, flaming torches, and motherfucking catapults.

I'm not saying we should do it, but it could happen, Viacom. Don't fuck with Google, dude.

Don't Fuck With John Rambo

Certain heroes in our culture are destined to live forever. James Bond, Batman, those fucking cavemen from the car insurance commercials, and, finally, 80-year-old dudes who (apparently) hunt the native peoples of Burma for sport. In case you didn't know, there's a new Rambo coming out, and fuck, it's going to be badass, because now he's got a first name to go along with his millions of flesh-ripping bullets of freedom.

"After a variety of title (and storyline) changes, it seems that the soon to be shooting fourth film in Sylvester Stallone's Rambo series has yet another name. And this time it's a pared-down one: John Rambo."

It's a good thing that Rambo's title has a first name included, because if there's one thing that terrorists and people from Burma are scared of, it's American first names. And holy water, and not shitting in caves. But mostly the name part.

People Getting Tortured Continues To Be Funny

I know that we've rabbits and rainbows and the Geneva conventions and all of that hippie bullshit, but goddamn, watching people get tortured never gets old, does it? The producers of the Saw franchise certainly don't think so, as they've greenlighted yet another sequel.

"Yep, after helming such varied films as "Saw 2" and "Saw 3," Mr. Bousman will indeed be returning for "Saw 4," which begins shooting mid-April in Toronto. Earlier nerd-buzz indicated that production designer David Hackl would be stepping up to the directorial plate, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

Fortunately Darren B. does have a non-"Saw" project cooking between Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate. It's a rather strange-sounding piece called "Repo! The Genetic Opera," but I'm guessing that flick won't get underway until "Saw 4" is put to bed ... or he's roped back in to "Saw 5."

Ah, and it seems that the final "Saw 4" screenplay has been chosen; it's the one written by "Feast" scribes Marcus Dunston and Patrick Melton.

"Saw 4" opens on October 26th."

Sadly, Twisted Pictures has idiotically passed on my idea to revolutionize the Saw movies: ticklefights! It's like cooking a Thanksgiving dinner: First you tickle the shit out of them and then, only then, do you start drilling open skulls. I'm not sure why that's like Thanksgiving dinner, to be honest.

I hate my family's holiday traditions.

Trailer Report: STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN WILL KILL YOU ON AN ISLAND OF PAIN

Though Christmas is long over, occasionally the Gods will bestow a great and wondrous gift upon humanity that transcends our narrow-minded concepts of "holidays," "giving," or "former wrestlers killing people on an island." Yes, that's right, the hilariously abusive and allegedly famous Stone Cold Steve Austin has somehow skanked his way into a starring role in the upcoming feature, The Condemned.

While you may have been expecting a touching romantic comedy or a mission to save baby Jesus, The Condemned is all about what Stone Cold does best: fuck people up. He's a killer, and he has to kill other killers on an island while people elsewhere watch a broadcast of the killing killers. KILL.

MySpace Exclusive: The Condemned Trailer

Germans Hate The 300

A recent screening of the upcoming 300 in Berlin resulted in people walking out early on the movie and booing, says Dark Horizons. This makes sense, as we all know that the German people are historically very averse to violence in any form. Right.

"Now the controversy erupted starting with Cinematical which reported on Wednesday that audience members left throughout the press screening and loudly booed as the end credits scrolled up the screen. Their review was far from glowing as well.

Yet long standing reliable critics like Todd McCarthy from Variety, Kirk Honeycutt at The Hollywood Reporter, the very picky Emanuel Levy and the always verbose but I trust his taste (there's not many people I hand that compliment to) Todd Gilchrist at IGN have all heaped major praise on the film. Another report indicated that the press screening did have some booing, but it was limited to only a handful in one section."

This is all well and interesting, but most of the harsher criticism of The 300 was rendered rather inconsequential when everyone leaving the theatre was violently speared through the brain by shirtless Spartan warriors. Publicity stunts, my friends, they're getting cooler and fucking cooler. These days, you can't get a degree in Marketing without cutting a motherfucker's skin off.

Two Face Has A Butt Chin

The actors of the world who were actually born with half their face horribly disfigured by acid will have to wait longer for their day in the sun. Aaron Eckhart is Two Face. Suck on it, halfies.


Awww, poor Halfie.

The Dark Knight, the upcoming Batman sequel, now has most of its headlining cast set. The only negative news to come out of this development is that the upcoming filming of the movie will have to pay extensive zoning restriction fines to accommodate Aaron Eckhart's massive fucking head.

Even The Military Is Fucking Scared of Jack Bauer

I happen to be among the few people who haven't seen an episode of 24. I am not proud of this fact, yet, I find it personally vindicating to the show that even having never seen a single bit of it, I still know better than to fuck with Jack Bauer. The United States military, however, apparently doesn't. They recently took issue with 24's torture scenes, and have asked them to tone it down a bit.

"Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan recently visited the set of the hit show in California to speak to the show's makers. Finnegan is concerned about the effect the torture scenes are having on US troops abroad as 24 is popular among members of the American armed forces. According to the New Yorker, Finnegan told the producers, "I'd like them to stop. They should do a show where torture backfires. The kids see it and say, 'If torture is wrong, what about 24?' The disturbing thing is that although torture may cause Jack Bauer some angst, it is always the patriotic thing to do." Human Rights First spokesman David Danzig says, "I think there is no question (that torture scenes are having an effect). We have spoken to soldiers with experience in Iraq who say, for young soldiers, there is a direct relationship between what they are doing in their jobs and what they see on TV. The image of the US and its military is being affirmed.""

Interestingly enough, no prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were asked whether or not the torture scenes have had an effect on their daily lives. This is probably either because they happen to be intensely loyal fans of the show, or maybe just due to the fact that our brave men and women have long since removed their tongues.

GOOOOOOOOOO AMERICA!

By the time you read this, Jack Bauer will have already assassinated the entirety of the United States military in order to express his annoyance at their requests to change the show. Like you didn't see that coming.

Maggie Gyllenhaal = Katie Holmes x 30

Lots more than just chiclets and cheap workers coming out of Latino Review these days. Turns out those deceptively intelligent little bastards have uncovered some news about something that will stop you - momentarily - from pouring gasoline up and down the aisles of your favorite theatre. Turns out Maggie Gyllenhaal is replacing Katie Holmes in the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight.

Follow the link to the article, and join me and the rest of the male community in gawking in joyous wonder at the leading picture on this post, and whispering happily, "Thank you, Lord Jesus Christ. You have shown me the way; and the way is sizeable boobies and Batman."

Oh GODDAMMIT NICHOLAS CAGE!

I take everything good I've ever said about anything back, because Nicholas Cage is in another movie. Another shitty movie.

"Nicolas Cage and Todd Garner will produce and Cage may star in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice," a live-action feature for Walt Disney Pictures reports Variety.


The apprentice gets a broomstick to do his chores for him but things get out of control when the broom takes over. The tale was the basis for the sequence in Disney's animated classic "Fantasia.""

I'm going to give you a quick visual memory jogger, if you've forgotten the first Sorcerer's Apprentice. Here:


I can hope, pray, and beg all that I want, but there's no chance that Nicholas Cage isn't going to do this. He's going to sign on, and he's going to spend the whole fucking movie sprinting around, freaking out, and punching old ladies.

Why, you might ask? Why would a man who seems, occasionally, to possess more than a little talent (Leaving Las Vegas did actually happen) continually place himself in the worst possible movies ever conceived?

I'll tell you why. Because Nicholas Cage hates you, with a fiery vengeful passion, and there's nothing that makes him happier than churning out Wicker Man after Wicker Man and cackling maliciously on his way to the bank in his corvette made out of skulls.

I might as well just start including this in every post, but, her, why the shit not:

Zombies Continue To Make Everything Around Them Cooler

Just when you thought the world was nothing more than Nicholas Cage movies and eternal darkness of unending pain...look! Zombie movie! Zombie movie trailer! Zowie!

The movie in question is Fido, which revolves around the age-old question of whether or not we can trust domesticated zombie pets. I'm totally fucking serious, and consequently, I'm also totally fucking aroused.

Furthermore, if this doesn't make you question the things that you asked for at Christmastime during your childhood, well, something's wrong. Let me see here...I could have a plastic star wars spaceship toy, or I could have a fucking slave zombie that I can name Humphrey or Bing and, delirious with joy, train to take little annoying bites out of all of my friends. "Give me your bag of Sun Chips, fucko," I'd growl menacingly. "Or Frida my Zombie makes your scrotum into an appetizer platter."

Toy Story Continues To Be Way Too Fucking Long Of A Story

In news that takes the unwise step of pushing me even closer to total, uncontrollable madness, there will be another Toy Story:

""Toy Story 3" is coming in 2009 said Disney Pictures at an investor conference on Thursday reports Variety.

Pixar reps provided extensive details on the project which "Finding Nemo" and "Toy Story 2" co-director Lee Unkrich will helm solely this time around. Michael Arndt ("Little Miss Sunshine") is penning the script."

Here's what I don't get about these movies. There's been two movies about these fucking toys, and not a single goddamn one of them has gotten a catastrophic, malicious haircut / scalping. Furthermore, is there anyone out there who didn't cut their toys in half with a machete regularly? It's awful tough for Woody and Buzz Lightyear to be so chipper and cute when they're reduced to screaming, helpless toy torsos.

Perhaps that was just a regional thing.

Metal Gear Solid is Totally Not 20 Years Late

Yes, that's right, someone in Hollywood still has an original Playstation, and dammit, they want a motherfucking movie:

"The plan is to turn the decade old Konami game series into a character-driven futuristic spy thriller reports the trades.

The game centers on Solid Snake, a Special Forces operative called out of retirement for one last mission.

With terrorists threatening a nuclear facility in Alaska, Snake must penetrate their defenses and neutralize the threat.

Michael De Luca is producing and "Metal" creator Hideo Kojima is executive producing."

Let me answer your pathetic questioning with a steel-toed boot to the face: NO, Hollywood is not completely out of worthwhile ideas for movies yet. That's not at all what this news is a sign of, and you should shut your fucking filthy Communist mouth before I go all Nicholas-Cage-In-The-Wicker-Man on your ass.

The conclusive proof that they've run out of ideas, of course, will be when we get an Echo The Dolphin movie. Starring Rob Schneider.

CRAB BATTLE!

Ghost Rider Is Suspiciously Absent

There is little in the known universe stronger than my faith in Nicholas Cage. Black holes, maybe. The angry, vengeful fist of God. Things like that. But for Rotten Tomatoes to insinuate that Ghost Rider is going to suck just because it's not screening for any critics and it sort of completely looks like it's going to suck, well, that's simply not fair.

"Here are some things to remember:

1. "Ghost Rider" was originally set to hit theaters amount eight months ago. The delay was reportedly caused by the need for extra FX work. We shall see.

2. "Ghost Rider" was directed by Mark Steven Johnson, the man who turned Marvel's "Daredevil" and "Elektra" into movie-type ... things.

3. The latest "Ghost Rider" trailer seems to be going more for tongue-in-cheek camp than intense action and evil curses and what-not."

Shit. Those aren't very good signs, are they? I remain resolutely unconvinced that the man who brought us modern classics like The Weather Man, City of Angels, Windtalkers, The Family Man, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, 8MM.....holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Has anyone been in more bad movies than this fucking clown?

And, of course, as the damning conclusion:

Jamie Foxx Is Not In Batman

Jamie Foxx has reportedly given a big fuck off to the rumors circulating that he would be playing Two-Face in the next Batman movie.

Here are the downsides to this news:

1) We don't get to see Jamie Foxx get burned on the face by acid.
2) We don't get to see Christian Bale kick Jamie Foxx's ass shortly after we watch Jamie Foxx get burned in the face by acid.

I often wish for the day when humankind will have holograms, if only so I can have a hologram of Jamie Foxx getting burned in the face by acid over and over again, right next to my warm, inviting fireplace.

Prayers For New Ghostbusters Finally Answered

If you've spent any time amongst the youth of today's America, you'd know that in between the near-constant thump of techno music and the hazy cloud of ecstasy hits and flashing lights, there's one thing on the kids' minds.

Another motherfucking Ghostbusters movie.

And now, thanks to the tearful, high-pitched begging enthusiasm of series vet Dan Aykroyd, it looks like the project is picking up some steam.

"[Aykroyd]:""We go to the hell side of Manhattan, downtown, Foley Square. It's all where the cops are -- they are all blue minotaurs. Central Park is this huge peat mine with green demons there, surrounded by black onyx thousand-foot high apartment buildings with classic red devils, very wealthy. We go and visit a Donald Trump-like character who is Mr. Sifler. Luke Sifler. Lu-cifer. So we meet the devil in it. Now, it won't happen as a live-action, because Billy will not come on in the live-action stage anymore for it, but he will voice his part and we're looking to do it as a CGI-animated project. It lives. It lives today. Last year it didn't. This year it lives. With CGI animation and the way these cartoons are done, we can do everything I ever wrote in that script for much less money.""

Wow, that doesn't sound convoluted and shitty at all, Dan. Thanks for Coneheads, by the way.

It's a good thing that if it does happen, it'll probably happen in CGI. I realize that the rest of the American viewing public wouldn't want to watch the proposed third act of the live-action Ghostbusters 3 script, which involves Dan Aykroyd weeping and pissing himself for forty-five minutes.

That's already my computer's screen saver, so I'm used to it.

The Coolest Thing That Has Ever Happened In The World

I don't often gush in an overly positive way about movies. There happens to be a lot of shit out there to be depressed about, so sometimes it's hard to make yourself look on the bright side. Sometimes I just need a big, strong, sweaty man to hold me.

...

All that aside, there is yet a shining beacon of hope for the world of cinema. And here it fucking is.

Yes, that's right. This is a movie about killer sheep. Go ahead, give yourself a few minutes to try and fathom how awesome that is. You know what? Watch the trailer, and then go get yourself a cup of tea, and sit on the swing in the park for the rest of the day.

Feed the ducks quietly, read a book. Enjoy your tasty, warm beverage. And every now and again, pause and smile knowingly to yourself and think about people getting fucking tooled on by vicious hordes of zombie death sheep. Try not to laugh so hard that you piss yourself and alarm passing pedestrians.

Cannibals Fucking Rule

It's an age of subtle filmmaking, people. We need restraint, maturity, and simple, talented feats of cinematic execution. Oh, and cannibals. Totally more cannibals.


"Relevant Entertainment will remake Italian helmer Ruggero Deodato's 1980 cult horror film "Cannibal Holocaust", a gorefest that's been banned in dozens of countries.

The story centers on a professor traveling to South America to find out what happened to a film crew that disappeared while shooting a documentary about reputed cannibal tribes."

I've got no problem with greenlighting this for movie production. In fact, I'd like a hell of a lot more feature-length pictures with "Holocaust" in the title.

Three Men and a Holocaust
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Holocaust
10 Things I Hate About The Holocaust
My Big Fat Greek Holocaust

The list goes on and on with hilarious, enjoyable titles for the whole family! No, really, my gripe with this is the premise. Let's go ahead and get this line of logic straight: a bunch of dudes you knew disappeared while filming a documentary about tribes that kill and eat human beings. For fun.

And you're going to go investigate? This is only slightly less plausible than willingly investigating your friends' disappearance in the chamber of the flying, burning sentient axes. "No, seriously, I think it'll be fine. What could've happened to them? Maybe they just got lost!"