Angelina Jolie Not Quite Understanding The Concept

I'm pretty sure that Angelina Jolie was once an actress, wasn't she? It seems as though the only thing she does now is go to places, adopt children, and then think of new places to go. Example: she recently went to Africa in an effort to raise awareness about the problems in the Darfur region of Sudan.

Listen, Angelina, I don't mean to rain on your beautiful, humanitarian hippie crazybitch parade or anything, but I'm pretty sure that impoverished residents of fucking Africa are the last ones you need to remind about how shitty Africa is. This is the rough equivalent of going to a burn ward with some aloe vera and telling someone with no skin, "Hey, you might want to slap some ointment on that bitch."

Movie Lesson: Don't Fuck With Alien Artifacts

If there's one lesson that movies constantly reinforce for us, it's that humans are unforgivably, unbelievably, borderline-needing-a-helmet stupid. Witness the plot of the upcoming Area 52:

"Benderspink has acquired rights to "Area 52," a comic book by Brian Haberlin.

The story follows a group of misfit soldiers stationed at a remote military base in Antarctica who learn that they are guarding a storage facility in which top-secret, otherworldly technologies and weapons are kept and analyzed. A murderous alien, hatched from something believed to be an artifact, stalks the soldiers, who must team to defeat it."

Listen. Let's go ahead and picture you've fought to conceal your overwhelming retardation for your entire life and have made it just long enough to secure a high-ranking military post on a top secret post. I'll ignore the fact that you must be far too stupid to string together a sentence, let alone defend a location vital to our national security.

You come upon an alien artifact in the basement or the break room or whatever, and you think, "Well, hey, this looks like the gateway to happy funtime! I'ma gonna investimigate! *chuckle*"

And then you poke it.

Honestly, at this point, you need to die, just so that balance is restored to the universe. I'm going to say this one time and one time only: DON'T POKE AN ALIEN ARTIFACT. Nothing good is going to happen! There's no candy! Leave it alone! Jesus fucking christ!