I'm Marty Scorsese, I've Got An Oscar, So Go Fuck Yourselves

The Oscars were last night. In an effort to keep anyone from offing themselves out of boredom, I'll keep the Oscar report to a bare minimum.

Best Picture: Martin Scorsese for The Departed
It's good that Departed won, because not only was it better than any of the other shit that was nominated, several thousand people would have died by Martin Scorsese's rage-fueled flaming kitana if there had been any other outcome. Know what's scarier than a bitter Italian guy? A bitter Italian guy with a sword and nothing left to live for. COMING THIS SUMMER.

Best Actor: Forest Whittaker for The Last King of Scotland.

lazy eye lazy eye lazy eye lazy eye lazy eyeJust a talented actor here, winning an award he clearly deserved for an impressive lazy eye performance.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren for The Queen

Who? Has she ever been in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie?

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine

Listen, I'm all for giving old people pity oscars and everything, as it's undoubtedly very sweet and compassionate and all, but Jesus. Has anyone actually seen the nominees that this guy - who was in the movie for a half an hour and then died - beat out? You think Eddie Murphy and Marky Mark didn't take a lead pipe to the academy members a few minutes after the ceremony ended? In the future, let's just have a senior citizen ceremony, with paper mache statues and bathroom breaks every minute.

Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls

A former American Idol contestant has won an Oscar. I will now proceed to swallow my tongue and dig my eyes out with a kitchen knife, because the endtimes are upon us.

All The Other Oscars: Nicholas Cage for The Wicker Man