The Silver Surfer Is Wicked Emo

USA Today has the first picture up of the Silver Surfer from the upcoming Fantastic Four sequel.

Judging from the picture, I'd say that the movie hinges around the conflict that arises when members of the Fantastic Four steal the Silver Surfer's favorite My Chemical Romance album and keep him from painting his nails black like usual. Also, band practice for his Staind tribute band, I Hate You Dad, got canceled because of the whole deal. And he's a cutter.

Kazz's Review Corner: Rocky Balboa

Before I begin, I'd like to let you in on a little inside information that I've come across. Evidently, the working title for this project was "How Awesome A Person I Am, by Sylvester Stallone" but Stallone changed it when he was reminded, for the sixth and final time, that it was just pretend.

I'll be honest. Sylvester Stallone does an amazing job. He pulls off playing a big, dumb boxer like nobody else could. If I were casting someone who makes up for his lack of charisma entirely by having humongous fucking biceps, he'd be on the top of my list.

Jesus. I don't even know what to say. The acting is so poor that you try to avoid making eye contact as you walk past it, and the plot is so thin that if you skated on it you'd fall through and die. So here: Black Boxer is undefeated. Rocky is sad about some crap. ESPN says Black Boxer would lose to Rocky. Black Boxer mad. Black Boxer challenge Rocky. (That's the extent of Black Boxer's influence. He's really just an emotionless punching bag, set up for the climax.)

In the meantime, Rocky runs a restaurant and meets a chick he knew when she was a kid and he hangs around her house all day because he's a creepy old man really sweet and caring. Also, Rocky's son is embarrassed of him but really loves him.

Throughout the movie, Rocky showcases what a caring individual he is, how big his heart is, how unconquerable his spirit, how giving and loving and amazing in every aspect of humanity. Every single problem, and I mean every single problem that comes up in the movie, Rocky fixes. He's like a big unintelligible superhero.

Anyway, Rocky and Black Boxer fight at the end. I won't say who wins, but I will say that I bet on the outcome with a friend of mine, and that I lost the bet. But I refuse to pay, because the movie was so boring. We should have seen Eragon. Eragon has dragons.


This movie gets one bloody fetus out of five.

PS: By the way, Rocky buys a dog. You know what he names it? Punchy. Just thought you'd like to know.

Japanese People Totally Gay For Freaky Puppets

Dread Central's got the first look at the puppet that apparently plays a central role in Saw director James Wan's new flick, Dead Silence.

I'm all for variety in horror movies, but jesus christ, this puppet-core shit has got to end. When the key villain character in every movie that you direct ends up being a puppet, a wet japanese girl, or a fucking baby unicorn or some shit, it may be time to go back to the drawing board, don't you think?

I don't ever want to be in a movie theater and suddenly realize, "You know, I could kick that puppet's ass, and it's still somehow killing dozens of retarded people."

Because if the puppets have won, my friends, so have the terrorists.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Have Famous Voices

In news that will be exciting only to people who can eat their own bodyweight in cheese puffs (i.e. Kevin Smith), Dark Horizons says that the new TMNT movie has a got a killer voice acting line-up.

"In an extensive two-part article in USA Today, it has been revealed that the likes of Patrick Stewart, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Chris Evans, Zhang Ziyi and Kevin Smith are all playing roles in the picture which is due out March 30th.

Stewart is voicing the film's villain Max Winters, a tech industrialist who is amassing an army of monsters in the city, whilst Ziyi voices the villainess Karai who leads an evil army of Foot Ninjas.

Gellar is the voice of human researcher April who serves as their technician and mother figure, Evans plays the hockey-stick-swinging Casey Jones, and Smith cameos as a greasy-spoon chef."

Firstly, Chris Evans and Sarah Michelle Gellar are not all-stars by any definition, unless the definition is "Will probably suck your dick for three dollars." Secondly, Zhang Ziyi is clearly a made-up name.

Thirdly, I don't mean to make this entire update about making fun of Kevin Smith for being obese, but come on. He just happens to be playing the greasy chef character? Kevin, buddy, when even the people who are making Ninja Turtles movies for a living are cracking fat jokes at your expense, it may be time to crawl out of the pudding cave and take a jog around the block.

Transformers Trailer Literally Causes Fanboy Erections To Explode

I've had sex before. But the new Transformers trailer at Yahoo Movies has given me such a painfully large permanent fanboy erection that all of womankind will now instinctually avoid me for the rest of my days.

SERIOUSLY.

ROBOTS.

KILLING.

SHIT BLOWING UP.

This is literally every dream I had as a young boy, rolled into one and packaged neatly for my summer viewing pleasure. Slight cool points deduction for featuring the decidedly non-famous Tyrese Gibson (although it looks like he has a better than average chance of getting viciously stomped by a robot), but I reiterate: ROBOTS.

New Die Hard Fucks Terrorists In The Ass

Enough of this pussy-ass Hostel shit. Give me Bruce Willis (seen above pondering which whippersnapper stole his arthritis medicine and cane), and give me Bruce Willis sending a burning mac-truck spiraling into the waiting asshole of a freedom-hating terrorist. Yay, new Die Hard! Check out the trailer, bitches.

I don't even care what this movie's about. I know two things:

1) Bruce Willis is going to kill a lot of people, and he's gonna kill 'em good.

2) Things are going to blow the fuck up.

I'm going to smuggle a t-bone steak wrapped in an American flag into the theater when this comes out. And I'm going to shout the lyrics to the national anthem while cheerleaders shower me in beer and eat my fucking meat, because Die Hard is a fucking American institution, and I'm excited.

Kazz's Review Corner: Casino Royale

Can you imagine Sean Connery sitting, fully-clothed, in a shower, comforting a crying woman? Can you imagine Pierce Brosnan getting his ass poisoned and stumbling helplessly through the street? This movie marks the transformation of Bond from Connery's sarcastic thug, from Brosnan's faggot with watch lasers, to a dynamic, flawed, interesting character.

That's the primary draw of the new Bond. They've taken the previously invincible, infallible character and given him (and, in fact, the villain) something he's had little of before: vulnerability. He fails. He messes up. People get the better of him sometimes, as evidenced in an early chase scene in which he, true to life, can not outrun a black man.

This new, reality-acquainted Bond is a rebellious underdog. He's easy to identify with, and therefore, easy to root for. That's why it's so frustrating when he falls in love with a dumb bitch and the movie goes on a 20-minute tangent about what a sap he can be. K$ claims that they're setting up him up to be more callous and uncaring in the future, but I think they wanted to sell the new Bond on any front they hadn't tried before (because, let's face it, you couldn't give the old Bond away for free).

By the way, the plot of this movie is either really deep or really, really shallow. It all seems to revolve around whether or not Beardy-man can be trusted. The most we ever really figure out about him is that he apparently believes himself to be the color commentator for ESPN's World Series of Poker. Anyway, people who watch Bond movies for the plot are retarded. This Bond is about what it should be about: chicks, cars, guns, and kicking immense amounts of ass.

Aside from the opening credits, which unfortunately mimic the old CG-heavy tripe we've all seen before, the movie is pretty much free of irritating faggotry. Simply put: This is not a Royale with Cheese.

*swish*


It gets four bloody fetuses out of five.

Mel Gibson Is Really Fucking Stupid

In news that will be startling to absolutely no one, Austin 360 has posted an interview with a professor who is outraged over the content of Mel Gibson's new movie Apocalypto. The professor in question is one Julia Guernsey, an associate prof over at the University of Texas. She happens to um, have devoted her intellectual life to this stuff, so let's see what she says.

"I hate it. I despise it. I think it's despicable. It's offensive to Maya people. It's offensive to those of us who try to teach cultural sensitivity and alternative world views that might not match our own 21st-century Western ones but are nonetheless valid."

Well, hey now, opinions are like oranges or some shit, right? Maybe she's just not a big movie fan. It's not like the movie is completely constructed out of bullshit, right?

"The whole thing was wrong."

Oh. Um. Well, maybe it's just artistic license?

" What are inaccuracies you noticed?

For one thing, the characters walk through a tunnel-like space and it's covered in wall murals. I'm nitpicking and it would mean nothing to most people, but it's a reconstruction of some murals that were just discovered in the past few years. They're from the site of San Bartolo in the Maya region (of Guatemala). Some pieces of it are copied exactly from the mural, but part of it is this gory scene of an individual holding a severed human head with blood flowing out of it. That's not in the mural! That's just Gibson on his violence kick. Plus, the murals are Late Pre-Classic, dating to about 100 B.C., making it very problematic that these people were walking through murals dating from 100 B.C. and then we have the arrival of the Spanish, which was in the 16th century. That's like 1,700 years apart.

Couldn't they just be walking through an ancient area?

You could argue that, except that the film presents an inaccurate hodge-podge of architecture. Some of it looked like Tikal Classic Maya, 800 A.D. Some looked Puuc, which is closer to 1000 or 1100 A.D. These are very different regions. It's like the difference between Texas and Delaware. It also looked like they were borrowing from El Mirador, this Pre-Classic metropolis that flourished around the year 0 A.D. It would be as though somebody did a movie on our American culture and they had Madonna and Marilyn Monroe riding in a car together, or they had a meeting of George Bush, Teddy Roosevelt and George Washington because why not condense a couple hundred or a couple thousand years? We would be appalled. We take our culture seriously. We demand historical specificity, something completely lacking here. Gibson had a responsibility to know better."

Okay, yeah, my bad. Mel Gibson is, apparently, still firmly entrenched as the King of Retard Town.

Presence of Underdog Movie Triples American Suicide Rate

Ain't It Cool News has officially ruined the next month or so of my life by revealing a poster for the upcoming Underdog movie.

So.

There is an Underdog movie actually being released.

It features James Belushi in a starring role.

I'm going to allow that to set in for a second.

The only way this could possibly be tolerable is if the movie screen bursts into righteous, holy, all-consuming flame moments before the premiere of the film begins. If, perhaps, we can rig the Hollywood premiere's screen to shoot fireballs into the audience and strike down - depending on how strong his black magic is, according to the phase of the moon at the time - James Belushi before he can speak, our society may yet endure.

UNDERDOG?!? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

Sylvester Stallone Got His Ass Kicked

Sylvester Stallone recently admitted in an interview with rottentomatoes.com that he totally got his ass kicked for real while filming the soon-to-be-released Rocky Balboa:

"Rocky has always taken a beating and weathered through, but now Stallone is rethinking his classic cinematic device. 'The gloves were a little worked so they had a little extra padding, but it hurt because I got dropped at least three times badly. The second knockout when I’m trying to struggle to get up, that’s real. It is. Now I get it. I wanted Rocky to just bounce right up like, ‘Yeah, it didn’t hurt,’ and like the third time he knocked me down I went ‘Wow, now I get it, It’s called stunned.’ I was stunned. So there’s more realistic fighting in this.'

When the DVD comes out, you can hold Stallone to his word. 'We worked in the editing room that if you freeze frame anywhere you’ll see the contact. There’s none of that like the other films where you miss by [four inches]. No, this is on the money, unfortunately.'"

You would think someone would have stopped this before Sly got too badly hurt. There's always representatives for the ethical treatment of animals on movie sets, right? Shouldn't there be ethical treatment advocacy groups for the extremely elderly, too? No one would stand by if someone wheeled Dick Van Dyke out on set and propped him up somewhere so he could do his "realistic fight scene," would they?

Dick Van Dyke: W-w-what? What's this? Fight? Is this...is this the realization scene? Where's my mark?
Director: Here, sir, hold this baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Okay, bring in the grizzlies.

You know, on second thought, Dick Van Dyke using a barbed wire baseball bat to fight off waves of grizzly bears sounds like the single coolest idea for a movie scene in the history of modern cinema.

Hey! It's Steve Buscemi's Birthday!

I shouldn't have to explain why this is important to you, but let's just take a moment to remember that this man is literally in every movie that has ever been made.

Gary Oldman is Terrifying

Ain't It Cool News is reporting that there's a new horror flick with Gary Oldman attached called Backwoods being greenlighted.

"Get this... the flick also stars Paddy Considine and is about 2 young couples on vacation (Basque Country) in 1978 when they stumble across a deformed girl in a log cabin. They try to help her and that angers the villagers. The violence mounts..."

While I'll be the first to be in line to see this - there isn't anything in the world approaching "stumbling over backwoods deformed girl w/ angry villagers" in sheer hilarity - is there anyone really surprised at Gary Oldman being cast as the freaky guy? It's not like he's spending his career redefining the romantic comedy or anything. He always plays the weird, oddball villain that has to endure thirty-seven hours of make-up every morning so he can stalk around like a sketchball and impress the three critics who know who he is. I'm starting to think it's not really acting so much as it's just Gary bein' Gary.

Honestly, if you saw Gary Oldman on the street in a medieval knight costume, drinking goblets of blood and breathing fire, you'd just shake your head and laugh, "Oh, Gary. You scamp!"

Bruce Campbell is Bruce FUCKING Campbell

There's a hot new picture from the new Bruce Campbell movie My Name Is Bruce up over at Ain't It Cool News, and frankly, it's giving me quite the geeky fanboy erection.

The movie revolves around Bruce playing himself as he's mistaken for Ash from The Evil Dead series and recruited to fight a real monster. I remain confident in Brucey's ability to keep making movies that are good enough to win me over and bizarre enough to stay just below the radar of people with, you know, good taste, but at the same time, Bruce, you're starting to veer off into dangerously self-referential territory here. A few more movies that are essentially about how cool you are and you'll be, well, Kevin Smith.

Furthermore, the picture up at the top of this post is pretty unimpressive except for , you know, the kid directly to the right of Bruce, who appears to be HARNESSING THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF THE SUN.

Wesley Snipes Is In Big Trouble

IMDB is reporting that Wesley Snipes is out on bail, but still in a whole shitload of trouble with the government:

"He pleaded not guilty to charges he fraudulently claimed refunds totalling nearly $12 million from taxes he paid in 1996 and 1997. The federal indictment accuses Snipes of using an accounting firm known for filing false returns in exchange for 20 percent of all the money refunded and he is also charged with failing to file any tax returns from 1999 to 2004."

I'd like to take a second and say that, frankly, I find these charges ridiculous and totally without merit. To say that Wesley Snipes, a true Hollywood mega-star, would need to somehow cheat the government out of several million dollars is preposterous. Why would he do that? You think he doesn't already have enough money? Take a quick look at some of his hits:

Blade, Blade 2, Blade 3, Money Train, White Men Can't Jump, Demolition Man, The Fan, Murder at 1600, US Marshals, Major League, etc., etc.

...I'd like to formally retract my criticism of the government's case against Wesley Snipes.

Furthermore: Jesus fuck, how does this man have enough money to eat? Did you see that list? I left out Rising Sun and Undisputed. I'm telling you, if the guy responsible for the Blade series came up to me and begged for a sandwich, I'd have to think awfully hard about not curbstomping him.

Wes would be crazy not to have tried to make himself some money on the side, man.

Steven Spielberg Makes Stupid Decisions

Apparently bored with making movies about cool shit, Steven Spielberg says he's going to make some tv shows about fashion and time travel, respectively:

"Steven Spielberg is taking an active role in the development of two television projects set up at Fox reports Variety.

Ed Burns and Christy Turlington are attached to write a drama set in the fashion world. Spielberg came up with the concept for the untitled Burns project after attending New York's fashion week. Storyline revolves around five twenty-somethings with fashion jobs such as photographer, designer, makeup artist and model. Burns and Turlington will exec produce, and Burns to direct if it goes to pilot.

The other is a time travel actioneer from scribe Scott Gemmill which revolves around two young American physicists in WWII who discover a way to pinch time and travel to the future. The pair wind up hopping between 2007 and the 1940s in order to aid the war effort - but in the process begin to upset the space-time continuum."

Hey, that's what we need! More television time for New York's fashion week! It's high time the fatcat American public realized the artistic war being waged in New York by fledging designers just trying to show the world how they can express themsel-

I'm sorry. I just almost swallowed my own tongue out of self-loathing for lying so fucking blatantly. Hey, Steve? Listen, I know you're a smart guy and all, but can we please cut the fucking shit and put the green light on Indiana Jones 4, please? Harrison Ford's going to be dead in about twenty minutes, so let's toss some more snakes at him one last time while we still can, huh?

Time travel tv show? Fashion week? Here's the only way I care about either of those: if there's fucking dinosaurs. Yeah, remember those? The prehistoric lizards that eat human flesh and open doors like a motherfucker? Yeah, we like those.

JJ Abrams Is A Fucking Geek

Here's another reason for me to continue my vendetta against JJ Abrams: chud.com is reporting that he's officially directing a Star Trek movie reboot. Great, JJ, you've given the trekkies hope. Their nunbers were decreasing, JJ. WE HAD ALMOST WON. If you can't figure out why this is a bad thing, well, here.

In case you're wondering, the other reasons for the standing vendetta against JJ Abrams are explained below:

JJ Abrams' Television Career: A Short Review
1) Alias, starring Jennifer Garner. Amount of nudity: 0.
2) Lost, starring Evangeline Lilly. Amount of nudity: 0.

JJ, I hate to have to explain basic laws of successful television to you, but someone has to tell you that boobies>no boobies. How do you screw that up?

Spike Lee Is Making A Movie About Black People?!? Get outta town!

Dark Horizons is reporting that Spike Lee plans to make a movie about the LA Riots of 1992.

Spike, at this point, it might be time to branch out thematically. You want to impress me? Make a movie criticizing racial injustice with clay-mation.

AND BACKWARDS.

Oh Thank Christ, Mrs. Doubtfire Is Dead

After a terrifying few months when I woke up in a cold sweat every night screaming, "DOUBTFIRE!" and bleeding from both ears, Robin Williams has finally set my soul at ease. He says a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel probably won't happen.

"Williams apparently said something along the lines of '...if it's not done right, it's not worth doing.' Williams also hinted that the character would come back one day, just not now and not in this current incarnation. This would seem to indicate dissatisfaction with either Bonnie Hunt's script or Fox's plans for it, but it's unsure as of yet."

If there ever is a sequel, there's only one way it should be allowed to go. I don't normally like to campaign for the death of old women, but Jesus Christ, is there anyone who wouldn't throw down $9.50 to go see Mrs. Doubtfire get pummelled for two hours?

The Passion of Mrs. Doubtfire!

Nobody Likes Vin Diesel Anymore

Vin Diesel, pictured above showing how much of a sad panda he is, is apparently out as the star in the upcoming adaptation of the video game Hitman, according to Dark Horizons.

"AICN reports that "Deadwood" star Timothy Olyphant is now attached to play the man known as Agent 47, an assassin for hire, whose skills place him in high demand for jobs. Vin Diesel was previously mentioned as the lead."

When reached for comment by MovieSlam, Vin Diesel chucked an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at us and screamed, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? I'M FUCKING RIDDICK! I CAN SEE IN THE FUCKING DARK, YOU FUCKING FUCKS! I DON'T NEED FUCKING HITMANFUCKING FUCK! FUCK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He then passed out in what appeared to be a pile of his own collected feces and vomit.

The Hills Have Eyes 2: Mutants Still Fuckin' Rule

Firstly - and let me admit this goes right into the category of "things I never actually expected to be able to say" - thank God for Eat My Brains, for showing me a poster that restores my faith in the ability of desert mutants to fucking rule.

Now, I realize The Hills Have Eyes sucked. However, I also realize that, whatever the plot deficiencies may have been, the movie also included the following elements:
1) Mutants
2) Mutant Rape
3) Throat-ripping Dogs
4) Mutants
5) Dude Get Blown-The-Fuck-Away By A Shotgun To The Face
6) MOTHERFUCKING MUTANTS.

And so, in conclusion, this poster and the news of the undoubtedly similarly bloody sequel to come makes a glorious hymn of joy alight my heart. No more crying and listening to My Chemical Romance for this guy! The Hills Have Eyes 2 is coming! YEAH!

Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti Are Going To Make Out

Why go to the movies anymore? If nothing else, you should be excited about the prospect of the gay sex scene between Paul Giamatti and Vince Vaughn in the upcoming Fred Claus, which I've helpfully included a picture of above. My sources tell me that the scene in question will be "...thirty-five minutes of uninterrupted suckling, nibbling, and man-juice lapping the likes of which has never before been captured on film before."

Of course, my "sources" in this case is my own imagination, but I ask you, what's more fun: a movie about Santa Claus' underachieving younger brother, or a movie about that same subject featuring an incestuous hardcore gay sex scene between two of the flat-out homeliest actors of our time?

This is what the movies are made for, dreamers!

Tobey Maguire Lukewarm About That Whole "Success" Thing

In a bit of news seemingly sent from God himself to give me another reason to hate Spiderman movies, Tobey Maguire says he's not too into doing anymore of them.

"Maguire says 'This might be a good place to stop - I am not tied contractually to any more Spider-Man movies. I am not completely closed to the idea of another one if it made sense but I would say the odds were in favor of this being the last one.'"

That's great, Tobey, and I'm sure that you're a wonderfully diverse, talented actor. Just let me know how quitting the most successful superhero franchise of all time leaves you in 10 years. You know, when you're doing lines in a Motel 6 with Mark Hamill and Adam West and trying to go to sleep at night without weeping.

Best of luck, kid.