Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Have Famous Voices

In news that will be exciting only to people who can eat their own bodyweight in cheese puffs (i.e. Kevin Smith), Dark Horizons says that the new TMNT movie has a got a killer voice acting line-up.

"In an extensive two-part article in USA Today, it has been revealed that the likes of Patrick Stewart, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Chris Evans, Zhang Ziyi and Kevin Smith are all playing roles in the picture which is due out March 30th.

Stewart is voicing the film's villain Max Winters, a tech industrialist who is amassing an army of monsters in the city, whilst Ziyi voices the villainess Karai who leads an evil army of Foot Ninjas.

Gellar is the voice of human researcher April who serves as their technician and mother figure, Evans plays the hockey-stick-swinging Casey Jones, and Smith cameos as a greasy-spoon chef."

Firstly, Chris Evans and Sarah Michelle Gellar are not all-stars by any definition, unless the definition is "Will probably suck your dick for three dollars." Secondly, Zhang Ziyi is clearly a made-up name.

Thirdly, I don't mean to make this entire update about making fun of Kevin Smith for being obese, but come on. He just happens to be playing the greasy chef character? Kevin, buddy, when even the people who are making Ninja Turtles movies for a living are cracking fat jokes at your expense, it may be time to crawl out of the pudding cave and take a jog around the block.