Kazz's Review Corner: Rocky Balboa

Before I begin, I'd like to let you in on a little inside information that I've come across. Evidently, the working title for this project was "How Awesome A Person I Am, by Sylvester Stallone" but Stallone changed it when he was reminded, for the sixth and final time, that it was just pretend.

I'll be honest. Sylvester Stallone does an amazing job. He pulls off playing a big, dumb boxer like nobody else could. If I were casting someone who makes up for his lack of charisma entirely by having humongous fucking biceps, he'd be on the top of my list.

Jesus. I don't even know what to say. The acting is so poor that you try to avoid making eye contact as you walk past it, and the plot is so thin that if you skated on it you'd fall through and die. So here: Black Boxer is undefeated. Rocky is sad about some crap. ESPN says Black Boxer would lose to Rocky. Black Boxer mad. Black Boxer challenge Rocky. (That's the extent of Black Boxer's influence. He's really just an emotionless punching bag, set up for the climax.)

In the meantime, Rocky runs a restaurant and meets a chick he knew when she was a kid and he hangs around her house all day because he's a creepy old man really sweet and caring. Also, Rocky's son is embarrassed of him but really loves him.

Throughout the movie, Rocky showcases what a caring individual he is, how big his heart is, how unconquerable his spirit, how giving and loving and amazing in every aspect of humanity. Every single problem, and I mean every single problem that comes up in the movie, Rocky fixes. He's like a big unintelligible superhero.

Anyway, Rocky and Black Boxer fight at the end. I won't say who wins, but I will say that I bet on the outcome with a friend of mine, and that I lost the bet. But I refuse to pay, because the movie was so boring. We should have seen Eragon. Eragon has dragons.


This movie gets one bloody fetus out of five.

PS: By the way, Rocky buys a dog. You know what he names it? Punchy. Just thought you'd like to know.