Hostel 2....no seriously, that's alright. I'm set.

Thanks, Eli, I seriously appreciate the thought and all, but I think I'm going to go ahead and eat next week instead. I'll totally take a raincheck on the hour and a half of defenseless little girls being mutilated, though. Get back to me next weekend, broseph.

MARKY MARK DOESN'T FUCKING TEACH SCIENCE!

Since Bill Nye is apparently busy launching chemical weapons into unsuspecting crowds, Mark Wahlberg has been tapped to star in the new M Night movie.

"Twentieth Century Fox will release M. Night Shyamalan's paranoia thriller, "The Happening," worldwide on Friday June 13th 2008.

Mark Wahlberg is set to star in the film about a family on the run from an apocalyptic threat to humanity.

"Mark has a unique blend of charisma, humanity, authenticity and skillfulness as an actor;" said Shyamalan. "All of which coalesced at this moment in his career, making him the perfect person to take on the role of Elliot Moore, the science teacher at the center of this event.""

Charisma? Humanity? No he fucking doesn't! Marky Mark has abs and a vast, bottomless well of rage towards the rest of mankind! Asking Mark Wahlberg to play a science teacher is like asking a lion to play a nursery school teacher. It may end up being funny, but it's just too much of a stretch.

Mark my words: there will be a scene in this movie where Mark Wahlberg punches a fucking monster in the head. You wait.

Kurt Russell A Cranky Old Bitch

Since there's rumoured to be a remake of Escape From New York in the works - which no one cares about anymore - Kurt Russell - whom no one cares about anymore, either- has decided to weigh in on what he thinks about the idea of registered fucking badass Gerard Butler playing the character of Snake Plissken.. As anyone who has ever seen an old person whine about the taste of their prune juice or the fact that they have, yet again, shit all over the recently steam-cleaned carpet can guess, Kurt's unhappy.

""When I was told who was going to play Snake Plissken, my initial reaction was ''Oh, man!'' [Russell winces]. I do think that character was quintessentially one thing. And that is, American...He's a fascinating character. In fact, he's the most complex character I've ever played" says Russell.

So no chance of a cameo by Russell? "F--- that! I am Snake Plissken! It's like Sean Connery always watching someone else do their version of Bond.""

As evidence to refute Kurt's own assertion of himself as an applicable badass, I'd like to present the following images of him in full-blown movie action:






You know what, Kurt? I stand corrected. Put on your fucking eyepatch and show us, once more, how unbelievably cool you are in comparison to the ripped guy I just watched stab 20,000 Persians to death. Fuckhead.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet Hoping For A Better Second Date

We've all had awkward first dates before. Stilted conversation, uncomfortable moments, pending rape charges - you know the routine. But usually, one can go ahead and be certain that you're not seeing each other again if your first date results in a massive ocean liner sinking and thousands of people meeting their doom in frigid arctic waters.

It kind of qualifies as a "bummer."

That's why it's so suprising to see Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio teaming up in a movie again. Ladies and gentlemen, TITANIC 2!
Just kidding. The movie's actually Revolutionary Road, an adaptation of a very critically acclaimed novel with lots of things that my literature professors tell me are important: story, words, characters, and syllables. Syllables are the most vital part of any literary masterpiece, you know. R.L. Stine books? Billions of fucking syllables, dude.

Hey! 300 MORE Spartans!

Faster than you can say "rolling around in endless piles of money," there's talks of a sequel to massive, pulsating man-movie 300. Be still, my beating, fully erect, hungry for blood and combat cock:

"Of course a direct sequel is out of the question, but now Variety reports that Frank Miller is hard at work prepping a follow-up to "300" based on another mythic tale from Greek history.

Which one though? Miller won't divulge details, and in any case is busy prepping to helm the "Sin City" sequel (due to begin filming inn June), an adaptation of Will Eisner's "The Spirit" and has comic commitments."

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO LIVE IN SPARTA.

XERXES IS BACK, AND HE WANTS MOOOOOOORE STUFF!

"Give me some more of your stuff?"

WE NEED 300 MORE SPARTANS!

COMING. THIS SUMMER.

Satan Just Got A Whole Lot Gayer

It's likely that most people won't be particularly excited by the news that there's an adaptation of Paradise Lost in the works. the book learnin', they'll drawl. i don't do dem book learnin'. me like-a da american idols. And then, of course, at the thought of their favorite television program, they jump up and down excitedly for a few hours, clapping and cheering at their own marvelous memory. Great. But look who's up for the lead part! Daniel Craig! Heath Ledger!

"The New York Times reports that Vincent Newman, producer of the $100 million feature film of John Milton's poem "Paradise Lost", has pegged both actors as top choices for the role of Lucifer.

The film, likely to be directed by Scott Derickson ("The Exorcism of Emily Rose"), is based on John Milton's 17th-century epic poem which tells the story of Lucifer's fall and the temptation of Adam and Eve.

The writers are deliberately moving away from the Milton touches to the text and Adam and Eve aspect in favour of the war of archangels - the battle in Heaven between God’s and Satan’s armies.

The aim is also to make the Devil into a deeper and more interesting character along the lines of Henry Hill in "Goodfellas"."

I won't pretend to know who's the better choice for the part, but I will propose the best way to resolve the conflict. Wrestling in oil. Mmm.

Tobey Maguire Wants To Move On

Tobey Maguire has announced that he's done with Spiderman movies. Playing the lead in the most successful superhero series in movie history, you must realize, is literally boring enough to make one's brain crawl, moaning in pain, out of one's skull through the ear canal. It's not a pleasant experience, is it Tobey?

""To me it seems like this is a natural point for the team to break up because we have a lot of story conclusions that were going along for the main characters for the first two movies and we kind of tie almost everything up for the third movie," he tells The Courier Mail.

"It feels like a trilogy to me and it feels like the end" he adds. The comments match those of co-star Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi who both seem to feel that this will be their last involvement in the franchise."

Maguire will now move on to other, far more interesting dramatic roles - A retarded clown, perhaps? Is there anyone who wouldn't pay to see that? - and hoping against hope that people don't ask him to do a Spiderman impression on the street.

Passerby: Hey! You're Spiderman, right? Yeah, I know you from the movies!
Tobey Maguire: Oh, well, thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed the films.
Passerby: Yeah, yeah! Hey, do that dance from the Spidey movie!
Tobey:...The dance? I don't think that there was a dance, actua-
Passerby: (brandishing pistol) Dance.