MovieSlam

i swallowed all the urine

2007-07-05T11:54:00.000Z

i swallowed all the poop

2007-07-04T19:06:00.000Z

I farted on my own brains

2007-05-29T17:53:00.001Z

I like movies!

Eli Roth Rachets Up The Vagina Stabbing

2007-04-04T17:05:00.000Z

Eli Roth has contributed a fake trailer to the Tarantino/Rodriguez awesomefest Grindhouse. Roth's entry, which will be shown between the two longer films along with trailers by Rob Zombie and Edgar Wright, is called Thanksgiving. It's about people getting fucked up, and that's all that you need to know.

Hostel 2....no seriously, that's alright. I'm set.

2007-03-30T16:55:00.000Z

Thanks, Eli, I seriously appreciate the thought and all, but I think I'm going to go ahead and eat next week instead. I'll totally take a raincheck on the hour and a half of defenseless little girls being mutilated, though. Get back to me next weekend, broseph.

MARKY MARK DOESN'T FUCKING TEACH SCIENCE!

2007-03-30T16:44:00.000Z

Since Bill Nye is apparently busy launching chemical weapons into unsuspecting crowds, Mark Wahlberg has been tapped to star in the new M Night movie.

"Twentieth Century Fox will release M. Night Shyamalan's paranoia thriller, "The Happening," worldwide on Friday June 13th 2008.

Mark Wahlberg is set to star in the film about a family on the run from an apocalyptic threat to humanity.

"Mark has a unique blend of charisma, humanity, authenticity and skillfulness as an actor;" said Shyamalan. "All of which coalesced at this moment in his career, making him the perfect person to take on the role of Elliot Moore, the science teacher at the center of this event.""

Charisma? Humanity? No he fucking doesn't! Marky Mark has abs and a vast, bottomless well of rage towards the rest of mankind! Asking Mark Wahlberg to play a science teacher is like asking a lion to play a nursery school teacher. It may end up being funny, but it's just too much of a stretch.

Mark my words: there will be a scene in this movie where Mark Wahlberg punches a fucking monster in the head. You wait.

Kurt Russell A Cranky Old Bitch

2007-03-23T16:33:00.000Z

Since there's rumoured to be a remake of Escape From New York in the works - which no one cares about anymore - Kurt Russell - whom no one cares about anymore, either- has decided to weigh in on what he thinks about the idea of registered fucking badass Gerard Butler playing the character of Snake Plissken.. As anyone who has ever seen an old person whine about the taste of their prune juice or the fact that they have, yet again, shit all over the recently steam-cleaned carpet can guess, Kurt's unhappy.

""When I was told who was going to play Snake Plissken, my initial reaction was ''Oh, man!'' [Russell winces]. I do think that character was quintessentially one thing. And that is, American...He's a fascinating character. In fact, he's the most complex character I've ever played" says Russell.

So no chance of a cameo by Russell? "F--- that! I am Snake Plissken! It's like Sean Connery always watching someone else do their version of Bond.""

As evidence to refute Kurt's own assertion of himself as an applicable badass, I'd like to present the following images of him in full-blown movie action:

You know what, Kurt? I stand corrected. Put on your fucking eyepatch and show us, once more, how unbelievably cool you are in comparison to the ripped guy I just watched stab 20,000 Persians to death. Fuckhead.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet Hoping For A Better Second Date

2007-03-23T16:14:00.000Z

We've all had awkward first dates before. Stilted conversation, uncomfortable moments, pending rape charges - you know the routine. But usually, one can go ahead and be certain that you're not seeing each other again if your first date results in a massive ocean liner sinking and thousands of people meeting their doom in frigid arctic waters.

It kind of qualifies as a "bummer."

That's why it's so suprising to see Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio teaming up in a movie again. Ladies and gentlemen, TITANIC 2!
Just kidding. The movie's actually Revolutionary Road, an adaptation of a very critically acclaimed novel with lots of things that my literature professors tell me are important: story, words, characters, and syllables. Syllables are the most vital part of any literary masterpiece, you know. R.L. Stine books? Billions of fucking syllables, dude.

Hey! 300 MORE Spartans!

2007-03-19T16:24:00.000Z

Faster than you can say "rolling around in endless piles of money," there's talks of a sequel to massive, pulsating man-movie 300. Be still, my beating, fully erect, hungry for blood and combat cock:

"Of course a direct sequel is out of the question, but now Variety reports that Frank Miller is hard at work prepping a follow-up to "300" based on another mythic tale from Greek history.

Which one though? Miller won't divulge details, and in any case is busy prepping to helm the "Sin City" sequel (due to begin filming inn June), an adaptation of Will Eisner's "The Spirit" and has comic commitments."

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO LIVE IN SPARTA.

XERXES IS BACK, AND HE WANTS MOOOOOOORE STUFF!

"Give me some more of your stuff?"

WE NEED 300 MORE SPARTANS!

COMING. THIS SUMMER.

Satan Just Got A Whole Lot Gayer

2007-03-05T17:19:00.000Z

It's likely that most people won't be particularly excited by the news that there's an adaptation of Paradise Lost in the works. the book learnin', they'll drawl. i don't do dem book learnin'. me like-a da american idols. And then, of course, at the thought of their favorite television program, they jump up and down excitedly for a few hours, clapping and cheering at their own marvelous memory. Great. But look who's up for the lead part! Daniel Craig! Heath Ledger!

"The New York Times reports that Vincent Newman, producer of the $100 million feature film of John Milton's poem "Paradise Lost", has pegged both actors as top choices for the role of Lucifer.

The film, likely to be directed by Scott Derickson ("The Exorcism of Emily Rose"), is based on John Milton's 17th-century epic poem which tells the story of Lucifer's fall and the temptation of Adam and Eve.

The writers are deliberately moving away from the Milton touches to the text and Adam and Eve aspect in favour of the war of archangels - the battle in Heaven between God’s and Satan’s armies.

The aim is also to make the Devil into a deeper and more interesting character along the lines of Henry Hill in "Goodfellas"."

I won't pretend to know who's the better choice for the part, but I will propose the best way to resolve the conflict. Wrestling in oil. Mmm.

Tobey Maguire Wants To Move On

2007-03-05T17:07:00.000Z

Tobey Maguire has announced that he's done with Spiderman movies. Playing the lead in the most successful superhero series in movie history, you must realize, is literally boring enough to make one's brain crawl, moaning in pain, out of one's skull through the ear canal. It's not a pleasant experience, is it Tobey?

""To me it seems like this is a natural point for the team to break up because we have a lot of story conclusions that were going along for the main characters for the first two movies and we kind of tie almost everything up for the third movie," he tells The Courier Mail.

"It feels like a trilogy to me and it feels like the end" he adds. The comments match those of co-star Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi who both seem to feel that this will be their last involvement in the franchise."

Maguire will now move on to other, far more interesting dramatic roles - A retarded clown, perhaps? Is there anyone who wouldn't pay to see that? - and hoping against hope that people don't ask him to do a Spiderman impression on the street.

Passerby: Hey! You're Spiderman, right? Yeah, I know you from the movies!
Tobey Maguire: Oh, well, thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed the films.
Passerby: Yeah, yeah! Hey, do that dance from the Spidey movie!
Tobey:...The dance? I don't think that there was a dance, actua-
Passerby: (brandishing pistol) Dance.

Aaron Eckhart Excited To Have His Face Burned Off

2007-02-28T17:35:00.000Z

Aaron Eckhart is going to be Two Face in the next Batman movie, and he's giddy as a schoolgirl at the prospect of eventually having his face burned off on camera. But then, what schoolgirl isn't excited about that sort of thing? It's a rite of passage, like having your period or unwanted pregnancy.

""Batman is a complex character, and Two-Face comes a little bit from the same world," Eckhart told MTV.com. "But [at the same time] he's apart from it. ... I'm looking for the tension between the two, the similarities between the two."

He added, "I want to find what's similar to Batman and then find what's opposite to him."

Eckhart confirmed that he will only play Dent in Dark Knight but will portray Two-Face in the next Bat-film. He would not, however, comment on the rumor that The Joker (Heath Ledger) is responsible for Dent's scarring and transformation from good guy to bad."

To assist Eckhart in researching the role, many fans - myself included - will be offered the chance to throw a tennis ball at a target. If they hit the target, Eckhart, sitting on a collapsible chair, will be plunged into a boiling pool of hydrochloric acid.

It's called method acting, people.

Angelina Jolie Not Quite Understanding The Concept

2007-02-26T17:50:00.000Z

I'm pretty sure that Angelina Jolie was once an actress, wasn't she? It seems as though the only thing she does now is go to places, adopt children, and then think of new places to go. Example: she recently went to Africa in an effort to raise awareness about the problems in the Darfur region of Sudan.

Listen, Angelina, I don't mean to rain on your beautiful, humanitarian hippie crazybitch parade or anything, but I'm pretty sure that impoverished residents of fucking Africa are the last ones you need to remind about how shitty Africa is. This is the rough equivalent of going to a burn ward with some aloe vera and telling someone with no skin, "Hey, you might want to slap some ointment on that bitch."

I'm Marty Scorsese, I've Got An Oscar, So Go Fuck Yourselves

2007-02-26T17:19:00.000Z

The Oscars were last night. In an effort to keep anyone from offing themselves out of boredom, I'll keep the Oscar report to a bare minimum.

Best Picture: Martin Scorsese for The Departed
It's good that Departed won, because not only was it better than any of the other shit that was nominated, several thousand people would have died by Martin Scorsese's rage-fueled flaming kitana if there had been any other outcome. Know what's scarier than a bitter Italian guy? A bitter Italian guy with a sword and nothing left to live for. COMING THIS SUMMER.

Best Actor: Forest Whittaker for The Last King of Scotland.

~~lazy eye lazy eye lazy eye lazy eye lazy eye~~Just a talented actor here, winning an award he clearly deserved for an impressive ~~lazy eye~~ performance.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren for The Queen

Who? Has she ever been in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie?

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine

Listen, I'm all for giving old people pity oscars and everything, as it's undoubtedly very sweet and compassionate and all, but Jesus. Has anyone actually seen the nominees that this guy - who was in the movie for a half an hour and then died - beat out? You think Eddie Murphy and Marky Mark didn't take a lead pipe to the academy members a few minutes after the ceremony ended? In the future, let's just have a senior citizen ceremony, with paper mache statues and bathroom breaks every minute.

Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls

A former American Idol contestant has won an Oscar. I will now proceed to swallow my tongue and dig my eyes out with a kitchen knife, because the endtimes are upon us.

All The Other Oscars: Nicholas Cage for The Wicker Man

Robert De Niro Won't Stop Making Shit

2007-02-23T17:33:00.000Z

Robert De Niro has officially signed on for another Meet The Fockers movie.

" Director Jay Roach and the producers are presently planning the film's story with Larry Stuckey officially penning the script reports Variety.

The plan is for all the principals from the previous film to return - DeNiro, Blythe Danner, Ben Stiller, Teri Polo, Barbara Streisand and Dustin Hoffman.

Both "Meet the Parents" and "Meet the Fockers' have pulled in a total of $845 million in worldwide ticket sales."

In related news, I have been holding a pistol barrel in my quivering mouth for over an hour now, and I swear to fucking God I will pull the trigger if someone doesn't stop this franchise before it makes a billion dollars. A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.

Vinnie Jones Wants To Fuck The Shit Out of You

2007-02-23T17:24:00.000Z

This is easily the best news I've heard in my entire life. Obvious serial killer Vinnie Jones is going to star as a serial killer in - get this - a movie called Midnight Meat Train. I'm jumping up and down with excitement about this, honestly.

"Jones will portray Mahogany, a serial killer who rides the midnight subways, looking for victims to butcher before the train reaches the last stop.

Leslie Bibb and Brooke Shields have also taken roles in the film scheduled to begin production next month in Los Angeles."

I'm really not even sure this is a real movie. Part of me thinks this is the best name for a porn I've ever heard of, but another part of me thinks that Vinnie Jones, in his constant hunger for flesh, thought to himself, "If I send out a casting call, I can lure hundreds of cast and crew members to the cave! I WILL HAVE MANFLESH THIS NIGHT!" This is just the best fake name Vinnie could come up with besides Vinnie's Going To Kill Your Ass For Dinner.

So, I guess what I'm saying if you're interested in seeing Brooke Shields before she's been mega-raped to death, you had better stop by her house and say hello before this movie starts shooting.

Movie Lesson: Don't Fuck With Alien Artifacts

2007-02-23T17:10:00.000Z

If there's one lesson that movies constantly reinforce for us, it's that humans are unforgivably, unbelievably, borderline-needing-a-helmet stupid. Witness the plot of the upcoming Area 52:

"Benderspink has acquired rights to "Area 52," a comic book by Brian Haberlin.

The story follows a group of misfit soldiers stationed at a remote military base in Antarctica who learn that they are guarding a storage facility in which top-secret, otherworldly technologies and weapons are kept and analyzed. A murderous alien, hatched from something believed to be an artifact, stalks the soldiers, who must team to defeat it."

Listen. Let's go ahead and picture you've fought to conceal your overwhelming retardation for your entire life and have made it just long enough to secure a high-ranking military post on a top secret post. I'll ignore the fact that you must be far too stupid to string together a sentence, let alone defend a location vital to our national security.

You come upon an alien artifact in the basement or the break room or whatever, and you think, "Well, hey, this looks like the gateway to happy funtime! I'ma gonna investimigate! *chuckle*"

And then you poke it.

Honestly, at this point, you need to die, just so that balance is restored to the universe. I'm going to say this one time and one time only: DON'T POKE AN ALIEN ARTIFACT. Nothing good is going to happen! There's no candy! Leave it alone! Jesus fucking christ!

Hey, thanks Viacom! You're made of fucking dicks!

2007-02-21T18:26:00.000Z

Ever notice how you can't find your favorite clip of Dave Chappelle screaming about Rick James and bitches and such anymore on youtube? Yeah, well thank Viacom, the company that owns a bunch of shit and doesn't want you to have it unless it's through their cheap knock-off web site.

"Viacom, which ordered that all of the clips from its cable networks be pulled off YouTube two weeks ago, will allow them to return to a new video website, Joost, the Wall Street Journal reported today, saying that the deal is likely to be announced today (Tuesday). Under it, Viacom has agreed to license hundreds of hours of programming from MTV, Comedy Central, Nickelodeon, BET, Spike, and its other cable networks as well as movies made by Viacom-owned Paramount Pictures."

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure that Google owns Youtube. And I'm also pretty sure that with the combined teen and college student appeal that Google and Youtube attract, they could - in a single day, mind you - raise a vicious, merciless army of darkness to march upon Viacom headquarters to take back their Rick James Bitch with axes, flaming torches, and motherfucking catapults.

I'm not saying we should do it, but it could happen, Viacom. Don't fuck with Google, dude.

Don't Fuck With John Rambo

2007-02-21T18:16:00.000Z

Certain heroes in our culture are destined to live forever. James Bond, Batman, those fucking cavemen from the car insurance commercials, and, finally, 80-year-old dudes who (apparently) hunt the native peoples of Burma for sport. In case you didn't know, there's a new Rambo coming out, and fuck, it's going to be badass, because now he's got a first name to go along with his millions of flesh-ripping bullets of freedom.

"After a variety of title (and storyline) changes, it seems that the soon to be shooting fourth film in Sylvester Stallone's Rambo series has yet another name. And this time it's a pared-down one: John Rambo."

It's a good thing that Rambo's title has a first name included, because if there's one thing that terrorists and people from Burma are scared of, it's American first names. And holy water, and not shitting in caves. But mostly the name part.

People Getting Tortured Continues To Be Funny

2007-02-21T17:18:00.000Z

I know that we've rabbits and rainbows and the Geneva conventions and all of that hippie bullshit, but goddamn, watching people get tortured never gets old, does it? The producers of the Saw franchise certainly don't think so, as they've greenlighted yet another sequel.

"Yep, after helming such varied films as "Saw 2" and "Saw 3," Mr. Bousman will indeed be returning for "Saw 4," which begins shooting mid-April in Toronto. Earlier nerd-buzz indicated that production designer David Hackl would be stepping up to the directorial plate, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

Fortunately Darren B. does have a non-"Saw" project cooking between Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate. It's a rather strange-sounding piece called "Repo! The Genetic Opera," but I'm guessing that flick won't get underway until "Saw 4" is put to bed ... or he's roped back in to "Saw 5."

Ah, and it seems that the final "Saw 4" screenplay has been chosen; it's the one written by "Feast" scribes Marcus Dunston and Patrick Melton.

"Saw 4" opens on October 26th."

Sadly, Twisted Pictures has idiotically passed on my idea to revolutionize the Saw movies: ticklefights! It's like cooking a Thanksgiving dinner: First you tickle the shit out of them and then, only then, do you start drilling open skulls. I'm not sure why that's like Thanksgiving dinner, to be honest.

I hate my family's holiday traditions.

Trailer Report: STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN WILL KILL YOU ON AN ISLAND OF PAIN

2007-02-19T17:23:00.000Z

Though Christmas is long over, occasionally the Gods will bestow a great and wondrous gift upon humanity that transcends our narrow-minded concepts of "holidays," "giving," or "former wrestlers killing people on an island." Yes, that's right, the hilariously abusive and allegedly famous Stone Cold Steve Austin has somehow skanked his way into a starring role in the upcoming feature, The Condemned.

While you may have been expecting a touching romantic comedy or a mission to save baby Jesus, The Condemned is all about what Stone Cold does best: fuck people up. He's a killer, and he has to kill other killers on an island while people elsewhere watch a broadcast of the killing killers. KILL.

MySpace Exclusive: The Condemned Trailer

Germans Hate The 300

2007-02-16T18:38:00.000Z

A recent screening of the upcoming 300 in Berlin resulted in people walking out early on the movie and booing, says Dark Horizons. This makes sense, as we all know that the German people are historically very averse to violence in any form. Right.

"Now the controversy erupted starting with Cinematical which reported on Wednesday that audience members left throughout the press screening and loudly booed as the end credits scrolled up the screen. Their review was far from glowing as well.

Yet long standing reliable critics like Todd McCarthy from Variety, Kirk Honeycutt at The Hollywood Reporter, the very picky Emanuel Levy and the always verbose but I trust his taste (there's not many people I hand that compliment to) Todd Gilchrist at IGN have all heaped major praise on the film. Another report indicated that the press screening did have some booing, but it was limited to only a handful in one section."

This is all well and interesting, but most of the harsher criticism of The 300 was rendered rather inconsequential when everyone leaving the theatre was violently speared through the brain by shirtless Spartan warriors. Publicity stunts, my friends, they're getting cooler and fucking cooler. These days, you can't get a degree in Marketing without cutting a motherfucker's skin off.

Two Face Has A Butt Chin

2007-02-16T18:21:00.000Z

The actors of the world who were actually born with half their face horribly disfigured by acid will have to wait longer for their day in the sun. Aaron Eckhart is Two Face. Suck on it, halfies.

Awww, poor Halfie.

The Dark Knight, the upcoming Batman sequel, now has most of its headlining cast set. The only negative news to come out of this development is that the upcoming filming of the movie will have to pay extensive zoning restriction fines to accommodate Aaron Eckhart's massive fucking head.

Even The Military Is Fucking Scared of Jack Bauer

2007-02-14T17:37:00.000Z

I happen to be among the few people who haven't seen an episode of 24. I am not proud of this fact, yet, I find it personally vindicating to the show that even having never seen a single bit of it, I still know better than to fuck with Jack Bauer. The United States military, however, apparently doesn't. They recently took issue with 24's torture scenes, and have asked them to tone it down a bit.

"Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan recently visited the set of the hit show in California to speak to the show's makers. Finnegan is concerned about the effect the torture scenes are having on US troops abroad as 24 is popular among members of the American armed forces. According to the New Yorker, Finnegan told the producers, "I'd like them to stop. They should do a show where torture backfires. The kids see it and say, 'If torture is wrong, what about 24?' The disturbing thing is that although torture may cause Jack Bauer some angst, it is always the patriotic thing to do." Human Rights First spokesman David Danzig says, "I think there is no question (that torture scenes are having an effect). We have spoken to soldiers with experience in Iraq who say, for young soldiers, there is a direct relationship between what they are doing in their jobs and what they see on TV. The image of the US and its military is being affirmed.""

Interestingly enough, no prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were asked whether or not the torture scenes have had an effect on their daily lives. This is probably either because they happen to be intensely loyal fans of the show, or maybe just due to the fact that our brave men and women have long since removed their tongues.

GOOOOOOOOOO AMERICA!

By the time you read this, Jack Bauer will have already assassinated the entirety of the United States military in order to express his annoyance at their requests to change the show. Like you didn't see that coming.

Maggie Gyllenhaal = Katie Holmes x 30

2007-02-14T17:28:00.000Z

Lots more than just chiclets and cheap workers coming out of Latino Review these days. Turns out those deceptively intelligent little bastards have uncovered some news about something that will stop you - momentarily - from pouring gasoline up and down the aisles of your favorite theatre. Turns out Maggie Gyllenhaal is replacing Katie Holmes in the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight.

Follow the link to the article, and join me and the rest of the male community in gawking in joyous wonder at the leading picture on this post, and whispering happily, "Thank you, Lord Jesus Christ. You have shown me the way; and the way is sizeable boobies and Batman."

Oh GODDAMMIT NICHOLAS CAGE!

2007-02-12T17:44:00.000Z

I take everything good I've ever said about anything back, because Nicholas Cage is in another movie. Another shitty movie.

"Nicolas Cage and Todd Garner will produce and Cage may star in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice," a live-action feature for Walt Disney Pictures reports Variety.

The apprentice gets a broomstick to do his chores for him but things get out of control when the broom takes over. The tale was the basis for the sequence in Disney's animated classic "Fantasia.""

I'm going to give you a quick visual memory jogger, if you've forgotten the first Sorcerer's Apprentice. Here:

I can hope, pray, and beg all that I want, but there's no chance that Nicholas Cage isn't going to do this. He's going to sign on, and he's going to spend the whole fucking movie sprinting around, freaking out, and punching old ladies.

Why, you might ask? Why would a man who seems, occasionally, to possess more than a little talent (Leaving Las Vegas did actually happen) continually place himself in the worst possible movies ever conceived?

I'll tell you why. Because Nicholas Cage hates you, with a fiery vengeful passion, and there's nothing that makes him happier than churning out Wicker Man after Wicker Man and cackling maliciously on his way to the bank in his corvette made out of skulls.

I might as well just start including this in every post, but, her, why the shit not:

Zombies Continue To Make Everything Around Them Cooler

2007-02-12T17:33:00.000Z

Just when you thought the world was nothing more than Nicholas Cage movies and eternal darkness of unending pain...look! Zombie movie! Zombie movie trailer! Zowie!

The movie in question is Fido, which revolves around the age-old question of whether or not we can trust domesticated zombie pets. I'm totally fucking serious, and consequently, I'm also totally fucking aroused.

Furthermore, if this doesn't make you question the things that you asked for at Christmastime during your childhood, well, something's wrong. Let me see here...I could have a plastic star wars spaceship toy, or I could have a fucking slave zombie that I can name Humphrey or Bing and, delirious with joy, train to take little annoying bites out of all of my friends. "Give me your bag of Sun Chips, fucko," I'd growl menacingly. "Or Frida my Zombie makes your scrotum into an appetizer platter."

Toy Story Continues To Be Way Too Fucking Long Of A Story

2007-02-09T17:25:00.000Z

In news that takes the unwise step of pushing me even closer to total, uncontrollable madness, there will be another Toy Story:

""Toy Story 3" is coming in 2009 said Disney Pictures at an investor conference on Thursday reports Variety.

Pixar reps provided extensive details on the project which "Finding Nemo" and "Toy Story 2" co-director Lee Unkrich will helm solely this time around. Michael Arndt ("Little Miss Sunshine") is penning the script."

Here's what I don't get about these movies. There's been two movies about these fucking toys, and not a single goddamn one of them has gotten a catastrophic, malicious haircut / scalping. Furthermore, is there anyone out there who didn't cut their toys in half with a machete regularly? It's awful tough for Woody and Buzz Lightyear to be so chipper and cute when they're reduced to screaming, helpless toy torsos.

Perhaps that was just a regional thing.

Metal Gear Solid is Totally Not 20 Years Late

2007-02-09T17:14:00.000Z

Yes, that's right, someone in Hollywood still has an original Playstation, and dammit, they want a motherfucking movie:

"The plan is to turn the decade old Konami game series into a character-driven futuristic spy thriller reports the trades.

The game centers on Solid Snake, a Special Forces operative called out of retirement for one last mission.

With terrorists threatening a nuclear facility in Alaska, Snake must penetrate their defenses and neutralize the threat.

Michael De Luca is producing and "Metal" creator Hideo Kojima is executive producing."

Let me answer your pathetic questioning with a steel-toed boot to the face: NO, Hollywood is not completely out of worthwhile ideas for movies yet. That's not at all what this news is a sign of, and you should shut your fucking filthy Communist mouth before I go all Nicholas-Cage-In-The-Wicker-Man on your ass.

The conclusive proof that they've run out of ideas, of course, will be when we get an Echo The Dolphin movie. Starring Rob Schneider.

CRAB BATTLE!

Ghost Rider Is Suspiciously Absent

2007-02-08T20:12:00.000Z

There is little in the known universe stronger than my faith in Nicholas Cage. Black holes, maybe. The angry, vengeful fist of God. Things like that. But for Rotten Tomatoes to insinuate that Ghost Rider is going to suck just because it's not screening for any critics and it sort of completely looks like it's going to suck, well, that's simply not fair.

"Here are some things to remember:

1. "Ghost Rider" was originally set to hit theaters amount eight months ago. The delay was reportedly caused by the need for extra FX work. We shall see.

2. "Ghost Rider" was directed by Mark Steven Johnson, the man who turned Marvel's "Daredevil" and "Elektra" into movie-type ... things.

3. The latest "Ghost Rider" trailer seems to be going more for tongue-in-cheek camp than intense action and evil curses and what-not."

Shit. Those aren't very good signs, are they? I remain resolutely unconvinced that the man who brought us modern classics like The Weather Man, City of Angels, Windtalkers, The Family Man, Captain Corelli's Mandolin, 8MM.....holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Has anyone been in more bad movies than this fucking clown?

And, of course, as the damning conclusion:

Jamie Foxx Is Not In Batman

2007-02-08T19:59:00.000Z

Jamie Foxx has reportedly given a big fuck off to the rumors circulating that he would be playing Two-Face in the next Batman movie.

Here are the downsides to this news:

1) We don't get to see Jamie Foxx get burned on the face by acid.
2) We don't get to see Christian Bale kick Jamie Foxx's ass shortly after we watch Jamie Foxx get burned in the face by acid.

I often wish for the day when humankind will have holograms, if only so I can have a hologram of Jamie Foxx getting burned in the face by acid over and over again, right next to my warm, inviting fireplace.

Prayers For New Ghostbusters Finally Answered

2007-02-06T19:27:00.000Z

If you've spent any time amongst the youth of today's America, you'd know that in between the near-constant thump of techno music and the hazy cloud of ecstasy hits and flashing lights, there's one thing on the kids' minds.

Another motherfucking Ghostbusters movie.

And now, thanks to the ~~tearful, high-pitched begging~~ enthusiasm of series vet Dan Aykroyd, it looks like the project is picking up some steam.

"[Aykroyd]:""We go to the hell side of Manhattan, downtown, Foley Square. It's all where the cops are -- they are all blue minotaurs. Central Park is this huge peat mine with green demons there, surrounded by black onyx thousand-foot high apartment buildings with classic red devils, very wealthy. We go and visit a Donald Trump-like character who is Mr. Sifler. Luke Sifler. Lu-cifer. So we meet the devil in it. Now, it won't happen as a live-action, because Billy will not come on in the live-action stage anymore for it, but he will voice his part and we're looking to do it as a CGI-animated project. It lives. It lives today. Last year it didn't. This year it lives. With CGI animation and the way these cartoons are done, we can do everything I ever wrote in that script for much less money.""

Wow, that doesn't sound convoluted and shitty at all, Dan. Thanks for Coneheads, by the way.

It's a good thing that if it does happen, it'll probably happen in CGI. I realize that the rest of the American viewing public wouldn't want to watch the proposed third act of the live-action Ghostbusters 3 script, which involves Dan Aykroyd weeping and pissing himself for forty-five minutes.

That's already my computer's screen saver, so I'm used to it.

The Coolest Thing That Has Ever Happened In The World

2007-02-02T17:28:00.000Z

I don't often gush in an overly positive way about movies. There happens to be a lot of shit out there to be depressed about, so sometimes it's hard to make yourself look on the bright side. Sometimes I just need a big, strong, sweaty man to hold me.

...

All that aside, there is yet a shining beacon of hope for the world of cinema. And here it fucking is.

Yes, that's right. This is a movie about killer sheep. Go ahead, give yourself a few minutes to try and fathom how awesome that is. You know what? Watch the trailer, and then go get yourself a cup of tea, and sit on the swing in the park for the rest of the day.

Feed the ducks quietly, read a book. Enjoy your tasty, warm beverage. And every now and again, pause and smile knowingly to yourself and think about people getting fucking tooled on by vicious hordes of zombie death sheep. Try not to laugh so hard that you piss yourself and alarm passing pedestrians.

Cannibals Fucking Rule

2007-02-02T17:11:00.000Z

It's an age of subtle filmmaking, people. We need restraint, maturity, and simple, talented feats of cinematic execution. Oh, and cannibals. Totally more cannibals.

"Relevant Entertainment will remake Italian helmer Ruggero Deodato's 1980 cult horror film "Cannibal Holocaust", a gorefest that's been banned in dozens of countries.

The story centers on a professor traveling to South America to find out what happened to a film crew that disappeared while shooting a documentary about reputed cannibal tribes."

I've got no problem with greenlighting this for movie production. In fact, I'd like a hell of a lot more feature-length pictures with "Holocaust" in the title.

Three Men and a Holocaust
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Holocaust
10 Things I Hate About The Holocaust
My Big Fat Greek Holocaust

The list goes on and on with hilarious, enjoyable titles for the whole family! No, really, my gripe with this is the premise. Let's go ahead and get this line of logic straight: a bunch of dudes you knew disappeared while filming a documentary about tribes that kill and eat human beings. For fun.

And you're going to go investigate? This is only slightly less plausible than willingly investigating your friends' disappearance in the chamber of the flying, burning sentient axes. "No, seriously, I think it'll be fine. What could've happened to them? Maybe they just got lost!"

Start Getting In Line To See Ja Rule Get Tortured

2007-01-31T17:31:00.000Z

If you're reading this, it's already too late, as I've paid several hundred thousand people to start reserving spots in line for me to see Saw 4. You know why? Because Ja Rule gets tortured in the first scene!

"I’ve actually just read the script to the upcoming sequel, set to film in March, and the details I’ve given you are indeed true. The little girl i talk of is Jeff’s daughter… and you will be completely shocked when you see what Jeff and his daughter have to endure in Part 4. Actor, song writer, and rapper Ja Rule has also been cast to star in the films opening scene on the first day of shooting in Toronto. More details as I recieve."

Yes, Ja, I remember seeing you on TRL as a younger man, and holy Christ, even as a teenager I wished to see you impaled in several hilarious ways. Hope you enjoyed your three minutes in the spotlight, bro. Here's hoping there's fire and red-hot metal! Holler!

Surfers Chicks Are Way Tougher Than Your Bitch Ass

2007-01-31T17:24:00.000Z

Hey, guess who's tougher than Rocky and Rambo and Vin Diesel combined? This fucking chick. She's a surfer named Bethany Hamilton, and her fucking arm got bitten off by a tiger shark three years ago, but she still competitively surfs. And now she's getting a movie made about her.

"16-year-old Hawaiian surf star Bethany Hamilton ordeal is the subject of an upcoming Hollywood feature film which will carry the same title as her book, "Soul Surfer".

Three years ago a tiger shark severed her left arm. That didn't stop her though and she is now blitzing the professional surf scene."

This is the sort of thing that really doesn't require a joke; the girl has one goddamn arm. I don't need to make fun of her. The bitch can't clap! I will say I'm enthusiastically awaiting the sequel to this flick, in which the fictional Bethany Hamilton will have to overcome having her spine ripped out by a pack of wolves. Inspirational!

Waldo Won't Fucking Stop Getting Lost

2007-01-31T17:11:00.000Z

Everyone take a second to squat and squeeze out a big, steaming thanks, fuckhead shit on someone important's lawn today. It's the only way to make sure the suits in Hollywood know how displeased the non-retarded people of the world are about the upcoming "Where's Waldo?" live adaptations. Awesome. Read this quote while I give myself a full-body paper cut.

"British media group Entertainment Rights Plc has acquired rights to the "Where's Waldo?" brand from series creator Martin Hanford. Entertainment Rights said Monday it plans to create new animated and live-action content that will launch worldwide in 2008 and 2009 but it wasn't clear if that would include a feature film."

A word about Waldo. This fucking shithead has been lost in the most inconvenient places for upwards of 20 years now! Call off the search! He's not goddamn worth it! Seriously, you think Waldo's wife and children want him back? It's not like he'd hold down a job; he'd get lost in the copy room and suddenly you'd look around and everyone within a ten mile radius would be wearing the same fucking hat and glasses. He's not just retarded. He's intentionally, maliciously retarded.

Governments Annoyed By Rapefest Movies

2007-01-29T17:36:00.000Z

If you haven't been reading around the internet lately, you've probably missed the controversy surrounding Dakota Fanning's new movie. Allow me to summarize, because the whole thing is almost boring enough to make a man take a spoon to his eyes in frustration. Dakota Fanning is a little girl. Dakota Fanning makes a movie where she gets raped. Then, and this was the easy part to see coming, people get annoyed at the fact that they're watching a movie where a little girl gets raped. And by people, of course, I mean the government of North Carolina, where Hounddog was shot, who now want to restrict some movies from getting government tax breaks unless they submit a script for screening beforehand.

"Using the controversy surrounding the Dakota Fanning film "Hounddog", State Senate Republican leader Phil Berger tells The Wilmington Star that he wants government approval on scripts before filming can be conducted in North Carolina.

A complete violation on free rights? Well not exactly. Seems the system only applies to films seeking the state's lucrative filmmaker incentive, which refunds as much as 15 percent of what productions spend in North Carolina from the state treasury.

"Why should North Carolina taxpayers pay for something they find objectionable?" said Berger who is presently drafting the proposed legislation."

This does make sense, especially considering how shitty Hounddog is rumored to be. If you're going to make a movie where there's a giant, heavily-publicized rape scene involving a famous little girl, make sure your movie doesn't fucking blow. Also, you could at least have the decency to make it a hot one. Isn't it time, for example, that the Olsen twinsstart honing their acting talents, Dakota Fanning style?

Pam From The Office Is Not Always Pam From The Office

2007-01-29T17:16:00.000Z

Jenna Fischer is, shockingly, a real person. In the mind's eye of me and every other dude in the world with glasses and more than a little time to devote to writing erotic fanfic (Dwight and Stanley, anyone? Mmmmm.....), it's hard to imagine her as, well, not Pam. But fuck, that girl done some shit:

"Jenna Fischer will star alongside John C. Reilly in the Jake Kasdan-directed comedy "Walk Hard" for Sony Pictures.

Fischer plays Darlene, a June Carter Cash-like love interest for fictional troubled music legend Dewey Cox (Reilly). Fischer also will sing indicates trade paper Variety.

Shooting will take place shortly using Judd Apatow and Kasdan's script. Fischer will film her role during the hiatus of production on "The Office.""

Yeah, great, whatever. She's a real actress, I suppose, so go ahead. I have to look at this as a win-win, I think. Jenna Fischer gets to diversify and expand her career beyond the realm of being typecast, and, well, I get to devote myself fully to beating off to Jasmine from Aladdin.

THANK GOD WE HAVE THIS CLEARED UP.

Batman Doesn't Give A Shit About Katie Holmes

2007-01-26T17:08:00.000Z

Listen. Batman is a superhero. He's got a cape. He's got a utility belt, for christ's sake. He's got a massive, constantly engorged cock that hungers for nothing more than new poon and sweet, sweet justice. You think he gives a flying hellfuck about a little Dawson's Creek castoff like Katie Holmes? Check out Dark Knight casting news:

"NO KATIE HOLMES. Her character of Rachel Dawes IS in the film, but the filmmakers are now actively searching for a replacement to take on the part. Whether it was Holmes or the filmmaker's decision not to have her reprise her role is uncertain for now.

NO PENGUIN. The shooting draft of the script will not involve either The Penguin or his other moniker Oswald Cobblepot. For months the Penguin, in the form of a European arms dealer, has long been talked about as having a small role.

Finally - Harvey Dent is in the film but still no word on casting. At last word Jamie Foxx and Ed Norton are the latest names the filmmakers are said to be interested in for roles."

Listen, great, Katie Holmes has effectively taken a bat-missile to her boring little face, and she's moaning in pain on her way to the proverbial emergency room. Let me just say this: if Jamie Foxx shows up in the new Batman movie, you might as well just take to sea. Start a new life on a dinghy, or a deep-sea oil platform.

Because I will set the world on fire if motherfucking Jamie Foxx (The star of Booty Call, mind you) is in a Batman movie.

Jared Leto Wants The Precious

2007-01-25T19:27:00.000Z

In news that will stun and enrage the entire World Of Warcraft gaming community, Elijah Wood was attacked at an awards show recently. Amazingly, it wasn't by an obsessed fanboy wearing hobbit feet and elf ears, but rather by actual crazy person Jared Leto. Check it out:

"The 26-year-old star was attending the MTVU Woodie Awards in November when Leto, who is the lead singer of cult act 30 Seconds To Mars, approached his table. Leto came over, whispered in Wood's ear and walked away, but then turned around, grabbed him by the throat and called him a "f**king a**hole." Wood tells Jane magazine, "He was basically upset at the fact that I said I didn't like his band. He said that initially and walked away. I guess he thought I was laughing at him, but I was more shell-shocked and telling people around me, 'Whoa, I just got told off by Jared Leto for not liking his band.' And that's when he came back and grabbed me." "

Anger over petty criticism seems a little bit silly in regards to motivation for trying to fucking choke someone, so we've got to assume that there was some other force at work here. Something dark, something mysterious, controlling poor Jared Leto. Something with a single, unblinking eye, wreathed by unholy flame. Something always watching, always searching for the one true ring of power.

Or, maybe, Jared Leto is an emo bitch.

Okay, yeah, question answered. Emo bitch, check.

Chipmunks Somehow Even More Annoying in CGI

2007-01-25T19:14:00.000Z

Sometimes, even the most hard-hearted, cynical asshole has to lay down his guard and admit that those boys in Hollywood sure know how to greenlight only the movies most obviously bound for success. Take the Alvin and the Chipmunks adaptation for instanceOHGODOHGOD I'M FUCKING BLIND FROM LYING. I HAVE LITERALLY LOST THE USE OF BOTH OF MY EYES FROM SPEAKING FRADULENTLY ABOUT ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS AND ALL THAT IS LEFT IS BURNING.

"Tim Hill ("Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties") is in talks with Fox 2000 about helming the live-action/CG-animated film "Alvin and the Chipmunks". Fox is expected to cast a comic actor in the role of Dave Seville, pal to the three chipmunks, Alvin, Simon and Theodore, who will be computer generated versions of the famous 50's animated trio..."

*rubs eyes carefully*

I...I just can't believe this is happening...some fuckhead actually thought that the world would be happier if we had more annoying-ass, singing chipmunks. Hve you ever been happy after watching a chipmunk? The answer is this: THERE'S NO REASON TO BE WATCHING CHIPMUNKS. THEY'RE FUCKING RODENTS.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the vengeful lord above has taken my sight. I hate you, Alvin and the Chipmunks movie producers. I hate you.

MPAA Chief Could Use Some More Tits

2007-01-24T17:35:00.000Z

Mr. Dan Glickman commented recently to Daily Variety that he'd like to see more use of the nc-17 rating by upcoming independent movie producers.

"MPAA chief Dan Glickman is encouraging independent filmmakers to make more films that would earn them an NC-17 rating. According to Daily Variety, Glickman acknowledged that producers often face a stone wall erected by exhibitors to keep out NC-17 films. He said he plans to meet with theater owners to persuade them to drop the barrier. "It's one of our ratings, and I'd like to see it used more," he said."

Glickman went on to acknowledge the MPAA's sincere wish for renewed cinematic exploration of fisting parties, bukkake festivals, competitive sexual abuse of livestock, gratuitous violence against the elderly, and the slaughtering of puppies in big canvas sacks.

"There're really just underutilized topics for movies," he gushed, attaching an electrical current to his scrotum and squealing in pleasure. "MAKE IT HURT FOR DADDY!"

Hippies Can Make Movies?!? Fuck!

2007-01-24T17:20:00.000Z

Catherine Hardwicke, the director who prides herself on bring you masturbatory fantasies that make you feel like a goddamned pedophile(Thirteen, anyone?), has now trained her eye on putting together the movie adaptation of Edward Abbey's Monkey Wrench Gang.

"The story concerns a motley group of environmental warriors who wage mayhem against road builders and other developers in southern Utah.

Publication of Abbey's novel in 1975 gave rise to eco-terrorism (aka. monkey-wrenching), a new generation of environmentalists who practiced sabotage for the sake of saving the Earth."

In response to the news of a full-length feature film be produced about annoying hippie clubs, I'm planning to drive my Hummer to Walmart to buy a steak, which I will grill using 100 times more fuel than I actually need. Once I've consumed my flame-kissed meat, I will wander, drunk and naked, into the forest with a rifle and begin shooting each baby animal foolish enough to stumble into my path. The whole time, I will be (attempting) to loudly slur my way through the star-spangled banner. It's the only way to counteract them.

Robbie Williams Is A Guy You've Never Heard Of (And Will Also Play One!)

2007-01-24T17:12:00.000Z

Alleged pop star Robbie Williams (pictured above rehearsing the moves he will use during his inevitable throwdown with a tranny hooker in a London alleyway) has been signed to play an alcoholic drifter turned humanitarian. Since I'm undoubtedly not the only one struggling to find a reason not to off myself due to boredom, read about it:

"An alcoholic drifter, Charles was found in London in 1975 and thought to be dead having consumed large amounts of industrial alcohol. He was about to be zipped into a body bag, moved slightly and was transferred to hospital instead.

He has spent the last twenty eight years helping alcoholics by running help lines and day centres. In 1989 he opened the "Chaucer Clinic" and has treated over 15,000 alcoholics in his career."

I'm not really sure why I would like or want to watch a movie about a person like this Nick Charles character. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't sloppy drunks one of the most time-honored forms of human entertainment? Who among us hasn't seen an alky, passed out face-down on the sidewalk and paused to giggle uncontrollably for a few minutes? We act like we don't want to kick him, but we all do.

Right? Anyone with me on the physically abusing defenseless drunks? No?

Some Douchebag Is The Lizard

2007-01-22T17:08:00.000Z

As you can tell from the photo above, the role of The Lizard is a very serious, demanding part to play. An actor must have sufficient range, emotional depth, a forked tongue, and be over 7 feet tall and have a large green tail. This leads us to one Dylan Baker, who is, apparently, as lizardish as all fucking Hell.

"Baker confirms that "I am in SPIDER-MAN 3, and my wife Becky Ann Baker is also in the movie, she plays James Cromwell's wife and Bryce Dallas Howard's mother."

Don't expect the Lizard to show up this time though - "In this one I am still in my business suit and that's all I'll say. I'm kind of the guy that Peter Parker needs to come to whenever he has those quandaries about what's going on... All I can say is we're going to see a lot more of [me] at some point if what Sam says is true, and Sam is the guy who knows, so I am sticking with him."

Would he be up for playing the Lizard? "Oh yeah [I'd be up for that]. I'm friends with Alfred Molina and I just saw him the other day and he had so much fun doing Doc Ock, that for me it's a no-brainer. So, put it in [the movie] and let's go.""

Baker's qualifications for the part include not being famous enough for anyone to care so much that they can muster a public objection to his casting, and a long, storied career playing that fucking Gecko from the car insurance commercials.

Thanks, M Night, We're...Um...All Set With Pieces of Shit Right Now

2007-01-22T14:11:00.000Z

There are a lot of really good movies out right now. This makes me feel strange; it feels like there's a large, gaping void in the cinematic world right now. We need more putrid, second-rate pieces of shit to fill that proverbial void. The only question that M. Night Shyamalan is asking is this: "Doesn't anybody want my feces to fill that void? The answer is apparently an emphatic "No thanks, tard," as every studio in the world has passed on M. Night's new script that he's shopping around.

" Unfortunately, it looks like it is a pass around town, or a Pasadena. Pasadena is a term in the script world used when a new spec hits the town and has no buyers or takers. So far, Universal, Paramount, Warner Brothers and Sony have all passed. Ouch!

The last word I heard was that Fox was still having a look, but it's looking like it'll get a pass there too.

Not much is known about GREEN PLANET {the script in question), but I will report back as soon as I get any information. Now, because it wasn't purchased in the first round, that doesn't neccessarily mean that GREEN PLANET won't find a home. Many scripts don't sell first round out but what makes this interesting is that this is M. Night Shyamalan. He dominated the spec script world with everything he put out. His scripts would only be on the market 24-48 hours! After THE SIXTH SENSE, M. Night could wipe his ass with some paper and it would sell."

M. Night is obviously looking in the wrong place for movie-making ideas. There's one thing that the public wants, buddy, and let me reveal that to you right now: Lady In The Water 2: More Ladies, More Water. This time, it's set in the Arctic Ocean, where's there are a few dozen of the sea nymphs, and they've got to save humanity from dark creatures!

Only they're trapped in the freezing wasteland with no way out so they starve to death slowly and painfully. It's sort of a twist ending, but with much more drawn-out pathetic moaning and begging for help.

Darren Aronofsky Is Basically A Sissy

2007-01-19T18:05:00.000Z

Universal has announced its plan to set up their recent acquisition Black Swan as a directing vehicle for total art fag Darren Aronofsky.

"Darren Aronofsky ("The Fountain", "Requiem for a Dream") is attached to direct, and John McLaughlin has begun writing the thriller that looks at the manipulative relationship between a veteran ballet dancer and a rival."

Art fag or no art fag, Aronofsky makes movies that are, at least, interesting to watch. This nonwithstanding, I'll bet about 1,000 dollars that the studio has sent out a few memos this week to plead with him to "...make a goddamn normal movie for once. Haven't you ever seen Click? Just do that!"

Congress: Hooray Uggos!

2007-01-19T14:05:00.000Z

In news that should restore your desire to drink until your heart stops, the United States' Congress has actually taken time to salute America Ferrera's Golden Globe win. On the floor. While they're in session. You know, making motherfucking laws.

"Congresswoman Hilda L. Solis from California took to the floor of the US House of Representatives on Wednesday to publicly salute the star. Solis said, "Madame Speaker, I rise today to congratulate American Ferrera for winning the Golden Globe for best actress in a comedy for her work in ABC show Ugly Betty. Through her work, Ms. Ferrera is breaking down barriers for Latinos in prime-time television. I commend America and everyone involved in Ugly Betty for helping to break down stereotypes and provide a role model for young Latinas.""

No word on why Congress took time off from making sure that the country works to salute Ugly Betty but avoided any sort of mention to other trite "overcoming adversity" shows like Lipless Steve, The Dog Without An Anus, and Julio, The Exploding Honduran Nymphomanic.

Timothy Olyphant Probably Couldn't Kill You

2007-01-18T20:13:00.000Z

Even so, it appears the cinematic world expects you to believe otherwise. This almost criminally caucasian actor has signed on to be the star in the upcoming adaptation of the video game Hitman.

The best part about this news is essentially that it forces Olyphant to shave his fucking head like a douchebag. This is nothing if not a fitting punishment for a man who has intentionally appeared in movies like Dreamcatcher, The Girl Next Door, Catch and Release, and motherfucking Rock Star alongside the artist formerly known as Marky Mark.

I'd rather get stabbed in the spleen while licking the bottom of a liposuction clinic's garbage can than be in a movie with Marky Mark, dude.

Pierce Brosnan Is Actually Alive

2007-01-18T20:04:00.000Z

Against all odds and pissing into the open mouth of traditional logic, it appears that Pierce Brosnan still has a career. He's scored a lead role in an adaptation of the novel The Big Biazarro. Pierce will be playing a poker legend who trains a young, upstart player on his road to the proverbial big game.

I'm sure that this will be a welcome change of pace for the versatile Brosnan, who has spent the past few months in intensive training to work on his "Crying bitterly while crumpling an 8x10 of Daniel Craig" routine. He's a character actor, you know, gets into the part. Tries not to weep in public over the burnt-out, pathetic husk of his career. That kind of method acting.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This post is brought to you by the Pierce Project. The Pierce Project is a non-denominational charitable mission devoted to saving one of our finest actors from depression, drug-addiction, and numerous forays into the world of peddling ass for crack cocaine. Please do what you can; Pierce will take your spare change.

Fags At Grey's Anatomy Hate Fags Who Call People Fags

2007-01-17T17:37:00.000Z

Alleged actress Katherine Heigl has slammed her Grey's Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington for reportedly using homophobic slurs on the set of the show.

"...Washington allegedly used a homophobic slur toward their co-star TR Knight. After a reporter questioned him on the validity of the on-set incident, Washington denied his involvement saying, "No, I did not call TR Knight a faggot. Never happened, never happened." Heigl told Access Hollywood reporter Shaun Robinson that she disapproved of his use of the slur when referring to the incident saying, "I'm not okay with it. I'm going to be really honest right now, he needs to just not speak in public. Period. I'm sorry, that did not need to be said. I just find it hurtful. I just feel like this is something that should be very much in house we need to deal with and it's among us and the cast and crew and among Shonda (Rimes, the show's creator) and the producers.""

If you made it all the way through that quote without taking a knife to your eyes in boredom, here's the breakdown, in appropriately childlike translation: He said I called him a name but I didn't call him a name like that because I'm a good boy not a bad boy and I wish that people wouldn't say mean things about me that I didn't say I'm a GOOD BOY I WANT MY PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY AND MY GAMEBOY! GAAAAAMEBOY!

The only thing I want to take a flamethrower to more than every copy of every episode of Grey's Anatomy is the self-important douchebags on the show who think anyone gives a shit about their moral crusades. You play a fake doctor. You do so badly. Why does that make you think I care about anything you do think about anything? If you're going to complain about the mean names that people are using like a 12 year old, you could at least have the decency to spend the rest of your life like a douchebag, annoying, trashy adolescent. Get pregnant, get a drug addiction, get a trailer, and get out of the spotlight. Please.

Hey Angelina Jolie! Fuck you!

2007-01-17T17:26:00.000Z

These are, of course, the words of idiot (and likely testicleless) director Robert Rodriguez. Reportedly, he's gotten tired of waiting for Angelina Jolie for the next Sin City and is now wooing Rachel Weisz for her role, instead.

"For a while now it has been pretty much accepted that Robert Rodriguez has wanted Angelina Jolie as the star of his sequel to "Sin City" sub-story 'A Dame To Kill For'.

Scheduling conflicts have prevented it though and caused enough delays that according to a rumour over at Cinema Blend, Jolie has been ousted in favour of British babe Rachel Weisz."

I'm sure that Sin City fans are devastated by this news. Obviously, Jolie is an actress to be reckoned with (maybe? She was...in Tomb Raider?), but Weisz is pretty damned good, too. I hear tell she comes fully equipped with ample breasts and a fully funtioning vagina, as well. Yee-haw!

Tom Selleck Is Going To Fucking Maim Someone

2007-01-17T17:12:00.000Z

There are certain time-honored institutions that everyone in our society holds dear, regardless of racial, social, or economic differences. Football on Sunday. Gifts are joyously exchanged on Christmas morning. A ring upon the slender young finger of a bride signifies her engagement to a gentleman caller. And Tom Selleck is motherfucking Magnum P.I. AND ONLY TOM SELLECK.

Some people, though, seem to think that just anyone can don the mustache of justice and start sexing their way through the criminal underground. Yes, that's right, good ol' Matthew McConaughey is rumored to be playing the legendary Magnum in an upcoming movie adaptation. While we're at it, why not just have Chris Tucker play Christ?

If we don't stop this only for the sake of preserving the sanctity of a cultural institution, then someone should at least think of the safety of one our most well-known (and most likely retarded) actors. You think Selleck is going to let this fly?

Have you ever seen Tom Selleck get angry? Of course you haven't. Your tongue would have been burned out if you had. You know who's seen Tom Selleck angry?

The people who were on the Titanic. That's right. No iceberg there, friends, hate to break it to you. Just angry Selleck. The few survivors of Hiroshima, too, they've seen it. Yeah. We dropped no bombs.

We dropped Selleck.

Johnny Depp! OMG!

2007-01-12T15:31:00.000Z

In honor of the recent news that Johnny Depp's company will be developing a movie based on the life and suspicious death of a former KGB agent (as a starring vehicle for Johnny, it seems), MovieSlam is proud to publish our first ever interview with Mr. Depp, who was gracious enough to share a little of his time with us.

MovieSlam: Hi Johnny!

Depp: Hello.

MovieSlam: So...um...*blushing*

Depp: *smiles courteously*

MovieSlam: *loosening collar desperately* So...um...do you...like anything?

Depp: Do I like anything?

MovieSlam: I MEAN ANYONE, you know, um, do you like, um, anyone in the....the movie industry? ohgodIamsuchanidiot...

Depp: *leaning forward and placing hand reassuringly on interviewer's knee* Listen, it's okay. Just calm down and read your questions, okay? I'll try my best if you do.

MovieSlam: *breathing into a paper bag* Okay. Okay. *deep breath* Do you...do you want to go out sometime?

Depp: *narrows eyebrows and laughs nervously* I'm sorry?

MovieSlam: *slowly slipping straps of his shirt down over his shoulders*PLEASE JOHNNY I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOOOOOOOOD...

It really went downhill from that point. Thankfully, Mr. Depp has agreed not to press any charges, and my taser scars are well on the way to healing!

Will Ferrell Makes Another MovIe About How Awesome He Is

2007-01-12T15:15:00.000Z

There's only so far you can allow Will Ferrell to go before you yank viciously on his leash and pull him back. Okay, Will, you made a movie with Queen Latifah. Allowing it. Okay, you were in The Producers.

You're filming a movie with Jon Heder. Alright, get the fuck back here you fucking douchebag.

Yes, that link will get you to the trailer for Blades of Glory, Ferrell's new figure-skating comedy. In any other case, I'd be making my way to the set on foot to start an aggressive campaign of firebombing, but, sadly for Mr. Flamethrower (it needed a name), the trailer, well, actually looks funny.

Shit.

Evan Rachel Wood Has Super Taste

2007-01-11T17:48:00.000Z

Evan Rachel Wood starred as the prototypical girl you immediately regret sleeping with in Thirteen. You know. The one who, the next day, has completely redecorated both her room and her body with calligraphy renditions of your name. That kind of crazy.

Now it seems that simply taking more cock than a rooster convention is not enough for Evan. She needs a solid, reliable man. She needs someone that she can count on through the various storms that every young, up-and-coming actress must weather. Clearly, she needs a good guy.

Um.

Yeah, she's dating Marilyn Manson. Because that makes sense. In any case, why do I suddenly find myself feeling both gleefully anticipatory over Evan Rachel Wood turning into a vampire queen and, well, disappointed in her choice? I'm sure there are people out there who need a date who aren't both washed-up musicians and not completely dependent upon heroin and the blood of Christian infants to survive. Why him, Evan? IT'S TOO LATE TO REBEL, YOU IDIOT!

Harrison Ford Not As Much Of A Tard As You Think

2007-01-11T17:38:00.000Z

Despite all evidence to the contrary, it appears, judging by this story, that Harrison Ford is not a total idiot. Seems he turned down the idea of a Han Solo spinoff movie, even after Big Daddy Lucas (as he likes to be called when he's wearing the Daddy Pants) begged him to do it.

"A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "George wanted Harrison to play Indy but cleverly sounded him out about playing Hans Solo instead.

"Harrison was horrified. After that he was delighted to be playing Indy again. He told George he just couldn't face being stuck in a spaceship with Chewbacca again.""

There's no word on exactly what the Solo spinoff would have been, but I'm guessing that it probably would have had one of these titles:
Han Solo's Anal Adventure
Han Solo And The Weiner Galaxy
Han Solo vs. The Cockstar
Han Solo's Balls In A Vice
Han Solo and Chewbacca: Trapped On The Planet Made of Pee Pee's!
Han Solo: A Grower, Not A Shower
Han Solo: Shaved Like A Bitch

People Keep Going To Motherfuckin' Egypt

2007-01-10T15:29:00.000Z

At some point, you'd think that even a person with no eyes and no brain would make the connection that Going To Egypt and Messing with Shit = Hurty by the Bad Undead Monster Mummy. Apparently not, because director Rob Cohen is in talks to take the helm for yet another sequel to The Mummy in which Brendan Fraser, astoundingly, WILL NOT DIE.

Everything human in my soul is screaming for me to undertake a holy mission of vengence against Universal for thinking of doing this, but hey, it makes a whole lot more sense for them to keep the Mummy series going than to finance a Halo adaptation.

OH WAIT NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T.

Madonna Is Slumming

2007-01-10T15:12:00.000Z

Every great musician faces a pivotal turning point in their career. When you start getting old, irrelevant, and your efforts to seem sexy start reminding people of how crazy Grammy Jenkins got all hopped up on the 'nog last Christmas and passed out underneath the tree shortly before pissing herself, you have to ask a question: Do I keep making shitty albums, or should I branch out and make some shitty movies, too?

For Madonna, the answer is an emphatic and undoubtedly semi-drunken "YES!" Her Maverick company is committed to team with HBO Films to make Hosed, a movie about retarded firemen, with much of the cast of Jackass.

"Chris Pontius, Steve "Steve-O" Glover, Preston Lacy and Jason "Wee Man" Acuna will all be a part of the "broad comedy" about an uncoordinated, over-enthusiastic volunteer firefighter.

When he finally assigned to a firehouse where he has to deal with a band of misfit firefighters from the wrong side of the tracks says The Hollywood Reporter.

Pontius, Glover, Lacy and Acuna will play misfits, with Pontius playing the leader of the band. The volunteer firefighter with whom they interact has not been cast. Adam "Tex" Davis ("Just Friends") will pen the script."

I'm sure Madonna nearly spit out her dentures in joy when she learned that she'd have an excuse to blow all those B-list celebs. Maybe she can hobble over to her PR team on the old walker and suggest a new Sex book. "This time," she'll croak, her 95-year-old skin cracking and splitting under the effort of speaking, "we'll focus on bitches with stretch marks!"

And, just before her struggling old heart fails, she'll squeal, "AND MIDGETS! BRING ME DWARF COCK!"

Naomi Watts Hates Her Career

2007-01-08T16:23:00.000Z

It's not enough to enthusiastically allow yourself to be slammed by a giant fuckin' gorilla these days. You've also got to attach yourself to numerous shitty remakes and bad sequels in order to kill a once promising career. This explains recent rumors surrounding the occasionally-hot Naomi Watts.

Watts has is attached to not one, but two shitty ideas for movies. First, there's the planned third Ring sequel. Nothing confirmed, but something tells me there will be a creepy little fuckhead chillin' in a well. Pretty impolite, especially for those out there who get their drinking water from a well.

Secondly, there's the ultimate good idea of remaking The Birds. Yes, because not only is it a fucking movie about fucking crazy birds (we're talking tweet tweet here, people), but it's also redoing a Hitchcock flick. And shit, that went so well before!

Samuel L Jackson Gets His Slam On

2007-01-05T15:22:00.000Z

There's just really not a whole lot that I have to say about this one. Sam's reached a point in his life where he can walk out into the middle of rush-hour traffic, stop in the middle of the street, look menacingly both ways, and then slowly, deliberately take a huge, steaming shit on the pavement and no one would question him. Police officers watching the scene unfold would just cross their arms in admiration, murmuring, "Sweet baby jesus, what I wouldn't give for a moment or two of life with his balls, man." Mothers would hold their children up high over the gathering crowd, so that their tiny, awe-struck eyes could catch a more unobstructed view of Sam's feces.

And then he'd be gone, in a sudden, mysterious cloud of smoke. And the legend would grow.

Seriously, what can the man not do? Snakes On A Plane? Could Sam Jackson, at this height of badassness, get on the set of. say, Headline News and just start slamfucking white girls and shooting things in the face with an assault rifle, cackling drunkenly all the while? What is the limit? And furthermore, why isn't he running for motherfucking president?

A "Tingler" That Won't Get You Arrested

2007-01-05T15:10:00.000Z

Latino Review is reporting that there's a remake coming of the 1959 douchebagfest, The Tingler. As you can probably tell from the poster, it was a seminal work in the field of horror movies and certainly wasn't campy enough to make you swallow your tongue. No, definitely not. Here's the rundown:

"According to The Hollywood Reporter, Columbia Pictures has tapped Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan to pen a Page One rewrite of its horror remake "The Tingler." Neal Moritz is producing through his Sony-based Original Film shingle. Based on the 1959 Vincent Price classic, the film centers on a scientist, who in the search for a medical cure for fear, unleashes the Tingler, an entity that kills its victims with fear."

Right. Killing victims with fear is almost the first thing I thought of when I heard "tingler." I don't mean to be unnecessarily perverted, but I'm pretty sure that "the tingler" is an obscure sexual technique that, amongst other things, requires three fingers in your partner's anus and a waiting, lubed Bengal Tiger.

TINGLER!

Mist Remains Unfrightening, Despite Efforts of Douchebags

2007-01-04T14:44:00.000Z

Horror movies are made by idiots, people. Fucking idiots. I was stupid enough to read some news on Fangoria's website this morning, and found out that there's a new adaptation of Stephen King's The Mist on the way. I love more badly made Stephen King adaptations, but it turns out this one is being done by Frank Darabont, who happens to be the dude behind The Shawshank Redemption, so it could be okay. Then again, it could just be an hour and a half loop of Brookshilariously offing himself.

Now, I haven't read the book, nor can I be bothered to look up a simple synopsis of the story, but I still feel I am completely qualified to ridicule the premise as unfairly as I please. So. Here's a quick rundown of the things that one is apparently allowed to make a horror movie about in today's cinematic climate.

1) Creepy little boys who fucking meow.

2) Creepy little girls who who fall into wells.

3) Motherfucking FOG.

Just think, if you combine creepy little kids, mist, and fog, you've got the scariest shit ever! Some...uh, creepy little retarded kids wandering around in fog, wailing obnoxiously for their cartoons and their apple juice. Great. Give me one fucking bulldozer, a chainsaw, and Bruce Campbell, and let's see how your meowing, foggy, magic-scary-death-videotape-bullshit works out for you.

Bring it the shit on.

The O.C. Is Fucking Cancelled

2007-01-04T14:33:00.000Z

Dark Horizons is reporting, tragically, that The O.C. has been cancelled. This shouldn't be surprising, as The O.C. is the only show in history that could actually fuck up hot lesbian hookups and Mischa Barton dying.

On the bright side, this frees up Adam Brody for a few embarrassing weeks of publicly dating noted cum dumpsters like Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan and then an overwhelmingly public spiral into drugs, depression, and death. Here's to you, Adam, and I'll be the first one in line at the theatre when you star in House of Wax 2.

The Silver Surfer Is Wicked Emo

2006-12-22T15:59:00.000Z

USA Today has the first picture up of the Silver Surfer from the upcoming Fantastic Four sequel.

Judging from the picture, I'd say that the movie hinges around the conflict that arises when members of the Fantastic Four steal the Silver Surfer's favorite My Chemical Romance album and keep him from painting his nails black like usual. Also, band practice for his Staind tribute band, I Hate You Dad, got canceled because of the whole deal. And he's a cutter.

Kazz's Review Corner: Rocky Balboa

2006-12-22T02:43:00.000Z

Before I begin, I'd like to let you in on a little inside information that I've come across. Evidently, the working title for this project was "How Awesome A Person I Am, by Sylvester Stallone" but Stallone changed it when he was reminded, for the sixth and final time, that it was just pretend.

I'll be honest. Sylvester Stallone does an amazing job. He pulls off playing a big, dumb boxer like nobody else could. If I were casting someone who makes up for his lack of charisma entirely by having humongous fucking biceps, he'd be on the top of my list.

Jesus. I don't even know what to say. The acting is so poor that you try to avoid making eye contact as you walk past it, and the plot is so thin that if you skated on it you'd fall through and die. So here: Black Boxer is undefeated. Rocky is sad about some crap. ESPN says Black Boxer would lose to Rocky. Black Boxer mad. Black Boxer challenge Rocky. (That's the extent of Black Boxer's influence. He's really just an emotionless punching bag, set up for the climax.)

In the meantime, Rocky runs a restaurant and meets a chick he knew when she was a kid and he hangs around her house all day because he's ~~a creepy old man~~ really sweet and caring. Also, Rocky's son is embarrassed of him but really loves him.

Throughout the movie, Rocky showcases what a caring individual he is, how big his heart is, how unconquerable his spirit, how giving and loving and amazing in every aspect of humanity. Every single problem, and I mean every single problem that comes up in the movie, Rocky fixes. He's like a big unintelligible superhero.

Anyway, Rocky and Black Boxer fight at the end. I won't say who wins, but I will say that I bet on the outcome with a friend of mine, and that I lost the bet. But I refuse to pay, because the movie was so boring. We should have seen Eragon. Eragon has dragons.

This movie gets one bloody fetus out of five.

PS: By the way, Rocky buys a dog. You know what he names it? Punchy. Just thought you'd like to know.

Japanese People Totally Gay For Freaky Puppets

2006-12-21T19:06:00.000Z

Dread Central's got the first look at the puppet that apparently plays a central role in Saw director James Wan's new flick, Dead Silence.

I'm all for variety in horror movies, but jesus christ, this puppet-core shit has got to end. When the key villain character in every movie that you direct ends up being a puppet, a wet japanese girl, or a fucking baby unicorn or some shit, it may be time to go back to the drawing board, don't you think?

I don't ever want to be in a movie theater and suddenly realize, "You know, I could kick that puppet's ass, and it's still somehow killing dozens of retarded people."

Because if the puppets have won, my friends, so have the terrorists.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Have Famous Voices

2006-12-21T18:53:00.000Z

In news that will be exciting only to people who can eat their own bodyweight in cheese puffs (i.e. Kevin Smith), Dark Horizons says that the new TMNT movie has a got a killer voice acting line-up.

"In an extensive two-part article in USA Today, it has been revealed that the likes of Patrick Stewart, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Chris Evans, Zhang Ziyi and Kevin Smith are all playing roles in the picture which is due out March 30th.

Stewart is voicing the film's villain Max Winters, a tech industrialist who is amassing an army of monsters in the city, whilst Ziyi voices the villainess Karai who leads an evil army of Foot Ninjas.

Gellar is the voice of human researcher April who serves as their technician and mother figure, Evans plays the hockey-stick-swinging Casey Jones, and Smith cameos as a greasy-spoon chef."

Firstly, Chris Evans and Sarah Michelle Gellar are not all-stars by any definition, unless the definition is "Will probably suck your dick for three dollars." Secondly, Zhang Ziyi is clearly a made-up name.

Thirdly, I don't mean to make this entire update about making fun of Kevin Smith for being obese, but come on. He just happens to be playing the greasy chef character? Kevin, buddy, when even the people who are making Ninja Turtles movies for a living are cracking fat jokes at your expense, it may be time to crawl out of the pudding cave and take a jog around the block.

Transformers Trailer Literally Causes Fanboy Erections To Explode

2006-12-20T23:46:00.000Z

I've had sex before. But the new Transformers trailer at Yahoo Movies has given me such a painfully large permanent fanboy erection that all of womankind will now instinctually avoid me for the rest of my days.

SERIOUSLY.

ROBOTS.

KILLING.

SHIT BLOWING UP.

This is literally every dream I had as a young boy, rolled into one and packaged neatly for my summer viewing pleasure. Slight cool points deduction for featuring the decidedly non-famous Tyrese Gibson (although it looks like he has a better than average chance of getting viciously stomped by a robot), but I reiterate: ROBOTS.

New Die Hard Fucks Terrorists In The Ass

2006-12-18T15:51:00.000Z

Enough of this pussy-ass Hostel shit. Give me Bruce Willis (seen above pondering which whippersnapper stole his arthritis medicine and cane), and give me Bruce Willis sending a burning mac-truck spiraling into the waiting asshole of a freedom-hating terrorist. Yay, new Die Hard! Check out the trailer, bitches.

I don't even care what this movie's about. I know two things:

1) Bruce Willis is going to kill a lot of people, and he's gonna kill 'em good.

2) Things are going to blow the fuck up.

I'm going to smuggle a t-bone steak wrapped in an American flag into the theater when this comes out. And I'm going to shout the lyrics to the national anthem while cheerleaders shower me in beer and eat my fucking meat, because Die Hard is a fucking American institution, and I'm excited.

Kazz's Review Corner: Casino Royale

2006-12-17T23:26:00.000Z

Can you imagine Sean Connery sitting, fully-clothed, in a shower, comforting a crying woman? Can you imagine Pierce Brosnan getting his ass poisoned and stumbling helplessly through the street? This movie marks the transformation of Bond from Connery's sarcastic thug, from Brosnan's faggot with watch lasers, to a dynamic, flawed, interesting character.

That's the primary draw of the new Bond. They've taken the previously invincible, infallible character and given him (and, in fact, the villain) something he's had little of before: vulnerability. He fails. He messes up. People get the better of him sometimes, as evidenced in an early chase scene in which he, true to life, can not outrun a black man.

This new, reality-acquainted Bond is a rebellious underdog. He's easy to identify with, and therefore, easy to root for. That's why it's so frustrating when he falls in love with a dumb bitch and the movie goes on a 20-minute tangent about what a sap he can be. K$ claims that they're setting up him up to be more callous and uncaring in the future, but I think they wanted to sell the new Bond on any front they hadn't tried before (because, let's face it, you couldn't give the old Bond away for free).

By the way, the plot of this movie is either really deep or really, really shallow. It all seems to revolve around whether or not Beardy-man can be trusted. The most we ever really figure out about him is that he apparently believes himself to be the color commentator for ESPN's World Series of Poker. Anyway, people who watch Bond movies for the plot are retarded. This Bond is about what it should be about: chicks, cars, guns, and kicking immense amounts of ass.

Aside from the opening credits, which unfortunately mimic the old CG-heavy tripe we've all seen before, the movie is pretty much free of irritating faggotry. Simply put: This is not a Royale with Cheese.

*swish*

It gets four bloody fetuses out of five.

Mel Gibson Is Really Fucking Stupid

2006-12-14T16:58:00.000Z

In news that will be startling to absolutely no one, Austin 360 has posted an interview with a professor who is outraged over the content of Mel Gibson's new movie Apocalypto. The professor in question is one Julia Guernsey, an associate prof over at the University of Texas. She happens to um, have devoted her intellectual life to this stuff, so let's see what she says.

"I hate it. I despise it. I think it's despicable. It's offensive to Maya people. It's offensive to those of us who try to teach cultural sensitivity and alternative world views that might not match our own 21st-century Western ones but are nonetheless valid."

Well, hey now, opinions are like oranges or some shit, right? Maybe she's just not a big movie fan. It's not like the movie is completely constructed out of bullshit, right?

"The whole thing was wrong."

Oh. Um. Well, maybe it's just artistic license?

" What are inaccuracies you noticed?

For one thing, the characters walk through a tunnel-like space and it's covered in wall murals. I'm nitpicking and it would mean nothing to most people, but it's a reconstruction of some murals that were just discovered in the past few years. They're from the site of San Bartolo in the Maya region (of Guatemala). Some pieces of it are copied exactly from the mural, but part of it is this gory scene of an individual holding a severed human head with blood flowing out of it. That's not in the mural! That's just Gibson on his violence kick. Plus, the murals are Late Pre-Classic, dating to about 100 B.C., making it very problematic that these people were walking through murals dating from 100 B.C. and then we have the arrival of the Spanish, which was in the 16th century. That's like 1,700 years apart.

Couldn't they just be walking through an ancient area?

You could argue that, except that the film presents an inaccurate hodge-podge of architecture. Some of it looked like Tikal Classic Maya, 800 A.D. Some looked Puuc, which is closer to 1000 or 1100 A.D. These are very different regions. It's like the difference between Texas and Delaware. It also looked like they were borrowing from El Mirador, this Pre-Classic metropolis that flourished around the year 0 A.D. It would be as though somebody did a movie on our American culture and they had Madonna and Marilyn Monroe riding in a car together, or they had a meeting of George Bush, Teddy Roosevelt and George Washington because why not condense a couple hundred or a couple thousand years? We would be appalled. We take our culture seriously. We demand historical specificity, something completely lacking here. Gibson had a responsibility to know better."

Okay, yeah, my bad. Mel Gibson is, apparently, still firmly entrenched as the King of Retard Town.

Presence of Underdog Movie Triples American Suicide Rate

2006-12-14T13:37:00.000Z

Ain't It Cool News has officially ruined the next month or so of my life by revealing a poster for the upcoming Underdog movie.

So.

There is an Underdog movie actually being released.

It features James Belushi in a starring role.

I'm going to allow that to set in for a second.

The only way this could possibly be tolerable is if the movie screen bursts into righteous, holy, all-consuming flame moments before the premiere of the film begins. If, perhaps, we can rig the Hollywood premiere's screen to shoot fireballs into the audience and strike down - depending on how strong his black magic is, according to the phase of the moon at the time - James Belushi before he can speak, our society may yet endure.

UNDERDOG?!? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

Sylvester Stallone Got His Ass Kicked

2006-12-14T13:19:00.000Z

Sylvester Stallone recently admitted in an interview with rottentomatoes.com that he totally got his ass kicked for real while filming the soon-to-be-released Rocky Balboa:

"Rocky has always taken a beating and weathered through, but now Stallone is rethinking his classic cinematic device. 'The gloves were a little worked so they had a little extra padding, but it hurt because I got dropped at least three times badly. The second knockout when I’m trying to struggle to get up, that’s real. It is. Now I get it. I wanted Rocky to just bounce right up like, ‘Yeah, it didn’t hurt,’ and like the third time he knocked me down I went ‘Wow, now I get it, It’s called stunned.’ I was stunned. So there’s more realistic fighting in this.'

When the DVD comes out, you can hold Stallone to his word. 'We worked in the editing room that if you freeze frame anywhere you’ll see the contact. There’s none of that like the other films where you miss by [four inches]. No, this is on the money, unfortunately.'"

You would think someone would have stopped this before Sly got too badly hurt. There's always representatives for the ethical treatment of animals on movie sets, right? Shouldn't there be ethical treatment advocacy groups for the extremely elderly, too? No one would stand by if someone wheeled Dick Van Dyke out on set and propped him up somewhere so he could do his "realistic fight scene," would they?

Dick Van Dyke: W-w-what? What's this? Fight? Is this...is this the realization scene? Where's my mark?
Director: Here, sir, hold this baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. Okay, bring in the grizzlies.

You know, on second thought, Dick Van Dyke using a barbed wire baseball bat to fight off waves of grizzly bears sounds like the single coolest idea for a movie scene in the history of modern cinema.

Hey! It's Steve Buscemi's Birthday!

2006-12-13T15:04:00.000Z

I shouldn't have to explain why this is important to you, but let's just take a moment to remember that this man is literally in every movie that has ever been made.

Gary Oldman is Terrifying

2006-12-13T14:28:00.000Z

Ain't It Cool News is reporting that there's a new horror flick with Gary Oldman attached called Backwoods being greenlighted.

"Get this... the flick also stars Paddy Considine and is about 2 young couples on vacation (Basque Country) in 1978 when they stumble across a deformed girl in a log cabin. They try to help her and that angers the villagers. The violence mounts..."

While I'll be the first to be in line to see this - there isn't anything in the world approaching "stumbling over backwoods deformed girl w/ angry villagers" in sheer hilarity - is there anyone really surprised at Gary Oldman being cast as the freaky guy? It's not like he's spending his career redefining the romantic comedy or anything. He always plays the weird, oddball villain that has to endure thirty-seven hours of make-up every morning so he can stalk around like a sketchball and impress the three critics who know who he is. I'm starting to think it's not really acting so much as it's just Gary bein' Gary.

Honestly, if you saw Gary Oldman on the street in a medieval knight costume, drinking goblets of blood and breathing fire, you'd just shake your head and laugh, "Oh, Gary. You scamp!"

Bruce Campbell is Bruce FUCKING Campbell

2006-12-12T13:20:00.000Z

There's a hot new picture from the new Bruce Campbell movie My Name Is Bruce up over at Ain't It Cool News, and frankly, it's giving me quite the geeky fanboy erection.

The movie revolves around Bruce playing himself as he's mistaken for Ash from The Evil Dead series and recruited to fight a real monster. I remain confident in Brucey's ability to keep making movies that are good enough to win me over and bizarre enough to stay just below the radar of people with, you know, good taste, but at the same time, Bruce, you're starting to veer off into dangerously self-referential territory here. A few more movies that are essentially about how cool you are and you'll be, well, Kevin Smith.

Furthermore, the picture up at the top of this post is pretty unimpressive except for , you know, the kid directly to the right of Bruce, who appears to be HARNESSING THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF THE SUN.

Wesley Snipes Is In Big Trouble

2006-12-11T13:29:00.000Z

IMDB is reporting that Wesley Snipes is out on bail, but still in a whole shitload of trouble with the government:

"He pleaded not guilty to charges he fraudulently claimed refunds totalling nearly $12 million from taxes he paid in 1996 and 1997. The federal indictment accuses Snipes of using an accounting firm known for filing false returns in exchange for 20 percent of all the money refunded and he is also charged with failing to file any tax returns from 1999 to 2004."

I'd like to take a second and say that, frankly, I find these charges ridiculous and totally without merit. To say that Wesley Snipes, a true Hollywood mega-star, would need to somehow cheat the government out of several million dollars is preposterous. Why would he do that? You think he doesn't already have enough money? Take a quick look at some of his hits:

Blade, Blade 2, Blade 3, Money Train, White Men Can't Jump, Demolition Man, The Fan, Murder at 1600, US Marshals, Major League, etc., etc.

...I'd like to formally retract my criticism of the government's case against Wesley Snipes.

Furthermore: Jesus fuck, how does this man have enough money to eat? Did you see that list? I left out Rising Sun and Undisputed. I'm telling you, if the guy responsible for the Blade series came up to me and begged for a sandwich, I'd have to think awfully hard about not curbstomping him.

Wes would be crazy not to have tried to make himself some money on the side, man.

Steven Spielberg Makes Stupid Decisions

2006-12-11T13:13:00.000Z

Apparently bored with making movies about cool shit, Steven Spielberg says he's going to make some tv shows about fashion and time travel, respectively:

"Steven Spielberg is taking an active role in the development of two television projects set up at Fox reports Variety.

Ed Burns and Christy Turlington are attached to write a drama set in the fashion world. Spielberg came up with the concept for the untitled Burns project after attending New York's fashion week. Storyline revolves around five twenty-somethings with fashion jobs such as photographer, designer, makeup artist and model. Burns and Turlington will exec produce, and Burns to direct if it goes to pilot.

The other is a time travel actioneer from scribe Scott Gemmill which revolves around two young American physicists in WWII who discover a way to pinch time and travel to the future. The pair wind up hopping between 2007 and the 1940s in order to aid the war effort - but in the process begin to upset the space-time continuum."

Hey, that's what we need! More television time for New York's fashion week! It's high time the fatcat American public realized the artistic war being waged in New York by fledging designers just trying to show the world how they can express themsel-

I'm sorry. I just almost swallowed my own tongue out of self-loathing for lying so fucking blatantly. Hey, Steve? Listen, I know you're a smart guy and all, but can we please cut the fucking shit and put the green light on Indiana Jones 4, please? Harrison Ford's going to be dead in about twenty minutes, so let's toss some more snakes at him one last time while we still can, huh?

Time travel tv show? Fashion week? Here's the only way I care about either of those: if there's fucking dinosaurs. Yeah, remember those? The prehistoric lizards that eat human flesh and open doors like a motherfucker? Yeah, we like those.

JJ Abrams Is A Fucking Geek

2006-12-07T17:56:00.000Z

Here's another reason for me to continue my vendetta against JJ Abrams: chud.com is reporting that he's officially directing a Star Trek movie reboot. Great, JJ, you've given the trekkies hope. Their nunbers were decreasing, JJ. WE HAD ALMOST WON. If you can't figure out why this is a bad thing, well, here.

In case you're wondering, the other reasons for the standing vendetta against JJ Abrams are explained below:

JJ Abrams' Television Career: A Short Review
1) Alias, starring Jennifer Garner. Amount of nudity: 0.
2) Lost, starring Evangeline Lilly. Amount of nudity: 0.

JJ, I hate to have to explain basic laws of successful television to you, but someone has to tell you that boobies>no boobies. How do you screw that up?

Spike Lee Is Making A Movie About Black People?!? Get outta town!

2006-12-07T17:45:00.000Z

Dark Horizons is reporting that Spike Lee plans to make a movie about the LA Riots of 1992.

Spike, at this point, it might be time to branch out thematically. You want to impress me? Make a movie criticizing racial injustice with clay-mation.

AND BACKWARDS.

Oh Thank Christ, Mrs. Doubtfire Is Dead

2006-12-06T14:15:00.000Z

After a terrifying few months when I woke up in a cold sweat every night screaming, "DOUBTFIRE!" and bleeding from both ears, Robin Williams has finally set my soul at ease. He says a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel probably won't happen.

"Williams apparently said something along the lines of '...if it's not done right, it's not worth doing.' Williams also hinted that the character would come back one day, just not now and not in this current incarnation. This would seem to indicate dissatisfaction with either Bonnie Hunt's script or Fox's plans for it, but it's unsure as of yet."

If there ever is a sequel, there's only one way it should be allowed to go. I don't normally like to campaign for the death of old women, but Jesus Christ, is there anyone who wouldn't throw down $9.50 to go see Mrs. Doubtfire get pummelled for two hours?

The Passion of Mrs. Doubtfire!

Nobody Likes Vin Diesel Anymore

2006-12-05T15:32:00.000Z

Vin Diesel, pictured above showing how much of a sad panda he is, is apparently out as the star in the upcoming adaptation of the video game Hitman, according to Dark Horizons.

"AICN reports that "Deadwood" star Timothy Olyphant is now attached to play the man known as Agent 47, an assassin for hire, whose skills place him in high demand for jobs. Vin Diesel was previously mentioned as the lead."

When reached for comment by MovieSlam, Vin Diesel chucked an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at us and screamed, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM? I'M FUCKING RIDDICK! I CAN SEE IN THE FUCKING DARK, YOU FUCKING FUCKS! I DON'T NEED FUCKING HITMANFUCKING FUCK! FUCK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He then passed out in what appeared to be a pile of his own collected feces and vomit.

The Hills Have Eyes 2: Mutants Still Fuckin' Rule

2006-12-04T13:38:00.000Z

Firstly - and let me admit this goes right into the category of "things I never actually expected to be able to say" - thank God for Eat My Brains, for showing me a poster that restores my faith in the ability of desert mutants to fucking rule.

Now, I realize The Hills Have Eyes sucked. However, I also realize that, whatever the plot deficiencies may have been, the movie also included the following elements:
1) Mutants
2) Mutant Rape
3) Throat-ripping Dogs
4) Mutants
5) Dude Get Blown-The-Fuck-Away By A Shotgun To The Face
6) MOTHERFUCKING MUTANTS.

And so, in conclusion, this poster and the news of the undoubtedly similarly bloody sequel to come makes a glorious hymn of joy alight my heart. No more crying and listening to My Chemical Romance for this guy! The Hills Have Eyes 2 is coming! YEAH!

Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti Are Going To Make Out

2006-12-04T13:28:00.000Z

Why go to the movies anymore? If nothing else, you should be excited about the prospect of the gay sex scene between Paul Giamatti and Vince Vaughn in the upcoming Fred Claus, which I've helpfully included a picture of above. My sources tell me that the scene in question will be "...thirty-five minutes of uninterrupted suckling, nibbling, and man-juice lapping the likes of which has never before been captured on film before."

Of course, my "sources" in this case is my own imagination, but I ask you, what's more fun: a movie about Santa Claus' underachieving younger brother, or a movie about that same subject featuring an incestuous hardcore gay sex scene between two of the flat-out homeliest actors of our time?

This is what the movies are made for, dreamers!

Tobey Maguire Lukewarm About That Whole "Success" Thing

2006-12-01T16:09:00.000Z

In a bit of news seemingly sent from God himself to give me another reason to hate Spiderman movies, Tobey Maguire says he's not too into doing anymore of them.

"Maguire says 'This might be a good place to stop - I am not tied contractually to any more Spider-Man movies. I am not completely closed to the idea of another one if it made sense but I would say the odds were in favor of this being the last one.'"

That's great, Tobey, and I'm sure that you're a wonderfully diverse, talented actor. Just let me know how quitting the most successful superhero franchise of all time leaves you in 10 years. You know, when you're doing lines in a Motel 6 with Mark Hamill and Adam West and trying to go to sleep at night without weeping.

Best of luck, kid.

Bruce Willis Is Metal

2006-11-30T18:12:00.000Z

There's a new picture of Bruce Willis on the set of the upcoming Live Free Or Die Hard over at Latino Review, and despite being obviously 76 years old, Bruce still looks like he's ready to kick ass.

Some have suggested that Bruce is calling for a timeout in the picture, presumably because he's too old to even be carbon-dated at this point, let alone film a physically demanding action movie.

That's incorrect.

What Bruce is actually doing is triumphantly signaling the letter "T" to surrounding crew members. What does T stand for? T, my friends, stands for Terrorists. As in the people whose blood Bruce Willis is bathing in and must consume daily to keep his super-strength and laser vision.

Washed Up Racist Assholes Of A Feather Flock Together

2006-11-30T18:01:00.000Z

I'm tempted not to post this, as neither man has made a movie worth using as a blunt object to beat either of them to death for 10 years, but Mel Gibson is publicly expressing how bad he feels for Michael Richards:

"The movie mogul, who hit the headlines this summer for making drunken anti-Semitic remarks to a California highway patrol cop, insists he knows what Richards is going through. The comic is desperately trying to make amends with African-American groups after repeating the word "n**ger" in an angry rant aimed at two black hecklers during a recent show at The Laugh Factory. Gibson tells America's Entertainment Weekly magazine, 'I felt like sending Michael Richards a note. I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don't need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape. But my heart went out to the guy... I like him.'"

Hearing that sort of sentiment is this close to heartwarming, but I won't believe either man is actually sorry until each goes 1-on-1 with the cultures that they offended.

GIBSON VS. THE JEWS!

KRAMER VS. THE BLACKS!

CAGE MATCH!

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!

The Fantastic Four Drive A Car?

2006-11-30T17:53:00.000Z

Let's just say, hypothetically, that you can set yourself on fire whenever you want (well, anyone can do that, but let's say you can do it without dying in horrible screaming pain immediately afterwards). Let's also say that, while on fire, you can fucking fly around at a thousand miles an hour and shoot fireballs everywhere.

If you are the Human Torch, are you driving anywhere? Why would you? You could, like, drive to the store, sure, but why would you do that when you could go firebomb an entire continent at your leisure and just fly past the drive-through on your way back?

Answer: You wouldn't, and that's why the Fantastic Four fucking sucks. AGAIN.

Kazz's Review Corner: Stranger Than Fiction

2006-11-29T19:36:00.000Z

(Note that this is filled with spoilers. I don't care about spoiling worthless plots, though, so go ahead and read it if you're not of the delusion that this movie is worth seeing for yourself.)

I like movies that fuck with reality. Fight Club did it. Donnie Darko did it. Charlie Kaufman does it by accident in his sleep. I think it's cool to break the way the world works. It's fun, and the movies that do it tend to be really interesting, no matter how stupid the plot ends up being.

So how is it that a movie that breaks reality ends up being worse for the fact? How did I go to a movie that shatters reality as a matter of course and end up wishing to God that, by the end, they'd reveal that it was all a dream? Why do I have to be put in a position to wish for the biggest cop-out ending of all time, out of the honest feeling that it would help? What sort of movie fucks its own premise up so badly that I wanted it to fix reality?

Stranger Than Fiction is the story of a lonely, socially-awkward IRS agent named Harold Crick. After an opening scene featuring way more CGI than ever belonged in a Will Ferrell movie, he suddenly and inexplicably begins to hear a female Brit narrating his life. She accurately depicts his every action, and perfectly predicts the future. So, naturally, Harold is mildly concerned when she reveals that the re-setting of his watch will be the event that leads to his tragic death. Of course, we saw that much in the trailer.

So, Harold spends the better part of the movie screaming angrily at the sky, trying to figure out why this voice is following him, how it knows everything, and especially, why he's going to die. He sees a psychiatrist, who says he has schizophrenia, but because he's a retard who doesn't believe completely plausible diagnoses, he runs off to enlist the help of a university literature professor played by Dustin Hoffman. So they go on a cross-country road trip and Harold realizes he loves retards more than money. lol jk. Dustin Hoffman, for no particular reason, completely believes Harold when he says that he's a character in someone else's book, and once he learns that Harold believes he's going to die, he gives him the best advice I've ever heard in the history of the world: "Everybody dies. Deal with it."

So Harold has a brief and implausible romance with a punked-out slut baker named Ana (played half-convincingly by Maggie Gyllenhaal) whom he was unsuccessfully auditing in the beginning of the film, and learns to play guitar, and suddenly cures himself of obsessive-compulsive disorder, and all sorts of other cool stuff. He's learned that life is fantastic. Great. Let's look at another piece of the film.

While all of the action with Harold is going on, we see the author of his book, played by Emma Thompson, trying desperately to figure out how to kill him (although we know from the beginning that it has something to do with his wristwatch, she doesn't seem to figure that out until halfway through the fucking end). To help her in this effort is, Of All Fucking People, Queen God-Damned Latifah. Thankfully, she doesn't actually DO anything in this movie besides give Emma someone to speak out loud to. So, the picture we get is that Emma is writing this book which evidently controls reality.

Long story short, Harold figures out who the author is with Dustin Hoffman's help. So he digs up her IRS records to figure out her phone number and then he goes to call her. We switch perspectives to Emma typing on her typewriter, the words, "The phone rang." And suddenly, her phone rings. She types, "The phone rang again." The phone rings again. "The phone rang a third time." The phone rings a third time. She answers her phone, and it's Harold Crick, her main character.

So at this point, those of us with at least a casual acquaintance with the foundations of logic believe we have figured things out, and even though reality is clearly somewhat twisted in this film to begin with, a few rules of this fantasy universe seem clear: Emma controls reality with her typewriter. Whatever she types seems to occur somewhat immediately. She struggles with this very fact in one scene, after she meets Harold Crick, in which she is lying on a table, lamenting at the thought that she has actually been killing real people by killing the characters of her previous books. So, although we're never able to read the book itself, we logically follow that everything she's written in the book has actually occurred. Right?

So, therefore, we logical people say, the book must be about a person who hears narration of his life, runs around attempting to discover the author, and then does. Right?

Evidently fucking not. She seems ignorant of the fact that he's been running around trying to find the author of his story. She also seems ignorant of the fact that he has been meeting with a literature professor for that very reason. How is this fucking possible, we ask? She was writing the words, "The phone rang." And HER phone rang. So, she must have been writing about how Harold Crick was calling HER, THE AUTHOR, right? If not, who was he calling in the book? What was she writing? We never find out.

You can't have a movie in which one character is revealed to have a magic typewriter that controls reality and then be selective about what actually made it into reality and what was just happenstance. Emma was also writing the romantic plot about Harold and Maggie Gyllenhaal, so did she create Maggie's character herself as well? Did these people appear as soon as Emma thought of them? She narrates several scenes where Harold is talking to people at the office, so did she make up the entire fucking IRS? Perhaps it works the other way around; Emma is unaware of her incredible psychic ability to predict what's happening and what's going to happen, and she just thinks she's actually making it up, whereas she's just recording reality without her knowledge. Of course. It all makes goddamn sense now. Except that she still didn't know that Harold motherfucking spent half the movie looking for her, but I guess we can just overlook that bit.

Anyway, after meeting Harold Crick, she lets him read the book, including the final bit about his death (which was written on a legal pad, not typed, so I guess that means it doesn't happen yet in crazy loopy beat-off-on-my-face-land). He shows it to Dustin Hoffman, who really likes the book, and decides that, and I'm not fucking making this up, that Harold should die for the sake of the book's quality. "No other ending would work," he states. "You have to die." Even more inexplicably, Harold agrees. He goes through the paces, exactly as described in the book, completely aware of why and how he's going to die, totally fucking unconcerned.

Then Emma changes the ending at the last second and he lives. The end.

This movie blows. If you're going to break reality, follow your own fucking rules. This was an SNL skit premise blown up into a 90 minute travesty.

It gets 2 out of 5 wretched bloody fetii, one for each of Maggie Gyllenhaal's tits.

Will Smith Is Going To Fuck Some Vampires Up

2006-11-29T14:10:00.000Z

There's some new posters from the upcoming Will Smith movie I Am Legend over at Movies Online.

While the poster itself is brain-implodingly boring ("THIS SUMMER! WILL SMITH! AND! A....car?"), the movie actually has an interesting premise. Will Smith is the last human on Earth. Everyone else - man, woman, child - is a vampire. I've got to admit that that's pretty metal. Slayer could definitely write a song about that. I mean, if the vampires breathed fire, and God and the Devil were battling with axes in the background of the movie the whole time.

While we're at it, let's go down the Official Will Smith Career Ass-Kicking List:

THINGS WILL SMITH HAS KICKED THE ASS OF:
1) Aliens

2)Robots

And perhaps most impressively of all, the most dangerous foe in the known universe:
3)CARLTON

Lindsay Lohan As...An Annoying Bitch

2006-11-29T13:57:00.000Z

Annoying bitch Lindsay Lohan is supposedly set to play older annoying bitch Stevie Nicks, so says IMDB:

"The Mean Girls star will act and sing in the movie, which will focus on the Fleetwood Mac star's wild years in the late 1970s and early 1980s. An industry insider tells American publication Life & Style, 'She feels like she's found a dream role in a story about Stevie Nicks at the height of Fleetwood Mac's fame. Lindsay loves the music of that era, and people have told her she has the same distinctive gravelly voice as Stevie's.'"

Thank you, world. Because the only thing I need more than Fleetwood Mac music in my life is shitty covers of Fleetwood Mac music, as performed by the "gravelly-voiced" Lindsay Lohan. It's easy to be gravelly-voiced when your vocal chords are caked with roadie semen, you know.

Venom Is Never Going To Be Prom Queen

2006-11-28T18:17:00.000Z

I've endured two relatively shitty Spiderman movies in the past few years with only one shining hope keeping my heart alive. I want to see Venom fuck somebody up, and now the kids over at Screenrant have hooked the world up with the first passably nice image of Blackie McBadTeeth himself.

I'll allow you to make your own judgments on how he looks, but let me just say two things:

1) If he doesn't fucking wreck Kirsten Dunst's face, there are going to be riots in the streets.
2) DAMN, VENOM! Don't drag your teeth, baby!

Charlie Sheen Could Use Some More Money, Please

2006-11-27T14:35:00.000Z

In news that should be surprising to absolutely no one, Charlie Sheen is desperately trying to sell shit to make money. IMDB reports he's now auctioning off a letter from Marlon Brando that he received in 1991:

"The actor invited Brando to his 26th birthday party in 1991, but the heavyweight star - who appeared in Apocalpyse Now with Sheen's father Martin - was too ill to attend. The letter reads, 'I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to powdered East Indian vulva. I really feel bad for not showing up at your birthday bash but I really feel s**tty and best stay in bed. I'm sure it will be a kick in the ass, and I hate to miss it - Happiest of birthdays to you, Charlie.'"

I'll ignore the fact that Marlon Brando wrote Charlie Sheen about consuming urine and powdered East Indian vulva. Let's focus instead on the following:

a) Charlie Sheen is still alive.
b) Charlie Sheen has successfully saved something that he received in 1991 without smoking it or peddling it on the street.
c) Charlie Sheen is still on television.
d) Charlie Sheen is still alive.

It's sad that he has to sell important personal effects like that to make money, though. You'd think that the royalties from Hot Shots would sustain him forever, wouldn't you?

Da Vinci Code Sequel Has A (Rich) Writer

2006-11-27T14:21:00.000Z

If you're still wondering what the right career to pursue is, here's another indication that you should probably be thinking about writing mediocre screenplays. Dark Horizons is reporting that some dude has been paid around $4 million to write the upcoming sequel to The Da Vinci Code:

"Talk about your cushy gig - scribe Akiva Goldsman has been offered US$4 million to write the screen version of "Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown's "Angels & Demons".

The deal is apparently the largest amount of money offered upfront to a screenwriter solely for a script."

It's good that Goldsman is being given this much money, because at least we can all be assured that he can write the script ON FUCKING ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS.

Sean Connery Is The King of All Idiots

2006-11-27T14:00:00.000Z

Cinematical has a kooky little story about Sean Connery. Turns out Connery was offered the role of Gandalf in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, and, hilariously, a 10 to 15 percent share of the films' income:

"Peter Jackson is quoted as saying that Rings executive producer Mark Ordesky told him "New Line was prepared to give him [Connery] between 10 percent and 15 percent of the films' income." Had that happened, Connery would have cashed more scratch for a single project than any actor in history.

The famously prickly Connery has gone on record saying that he wouldn't have taken the role of the big-hatted wizard because 'I never understood it. I read the book, I read the script, I saw the movie, and I still don't understand it.'"

I don't think "whoops" really covers how sheepish you should feel if you turn down 15 percent of the gross of the most profitable movie series of our generation. I think "whoops, I will now end my life with a hammer to the skull," is much more appropriate.

Personally, I think it's also fair to assume Sean hasn't really been present and accounted for mentally for about twenty years now. Furthermore, watching The Rock is a lot more entertaining if you believe that Sean didn't really even know a movie was being filmed. He was just having a really crazy couple of weeks, dude.

Anne Hatheway Is Agent 99

2006-11-21T18:01:00.000Z

Dark Horizons is reporting that Anne Hathaway is pretty much on board to play Agent 99 alongside Steve Carell in the new version of "Get Smart" scheduled to hit theaters next year.

I'd be more excited about this if I had any idea who the Hell Anne Hathaway is. A quick google image search reveals mostly various shots of her nipple slips and anytime she's shown her breasts in movies, so hey, that's promising. Maybe they can throw Sharon Stone in, too, just to guarantee the proprietors of celebrityboobyland.com a little more work.

Coming this Summer! "Get Smart 2: Bouncing Boobie Hour!"

Digital Bruce Lee Can Still Kick Your Ass

2006-11-21T17:49:00.000Z

Director Rob Cohen told Latino Review that he's going to make a new Bruce Lee movie featuring an entirely digital rendition of the overwhelmingly dead action star. Cohen wrote:

"The big headline is that I am NOT using clips from the film; I am creating an entirely photo-realistic Bruce Lee with new, advanced digital technlogy. Digital Domain who did "XXX" and "Stealth" with me are on it big time. We are in the vfx development stage.

This will be the first digital actor and I am very excited about the challenge.

We do have the rights to Bruce's films but the lines are all I am going to use. The Lee Family is also involved with me and Dreamworks."

This, of course, brings up all sorts of interesting questions. For instance, when the new Bruce Lee finally appears, do we officially refer to him (it?) as "Matrix Bruce Lee?" Perhaps "Zombie Bruce Lee?" An amalgation? "Zombie Matrix Bruce Lee 2k6?" And furthermore, who wins in a fight between Zombie Matrix Bruce Lee 2k6 and God? What if Jesus runs in, mid-match, with a steel chair?

WHAT IF THE NEW BRUCE LEE IS IMPERVIOUS TO CHAIR SHOTS FROM THE SON OF GOD?

David Blaine Seriously Hates Himself

2006-11-20T14:13:00.000Z

I realize this has nothing to do with movies, but I figure if I have to know about it, everyone else should be told about the latest details regarding alleged entertainer David Blaine's upcoming stunt:

"David Blaine will spend two days in a spinning gyroscope before attempting to escape from shackles in his latest public stunt. The illusionist revealed his new plans for the New York stunt, which begins later this month, at a press conference on Friday. The 33-year-old will be locked spread eagle into a gyroscope before being dangled 50 feet above Times Square in New York. Blaine will be spun up to eight times every minute for two days, after which he will begin his attempt to escape. Adding more difficulty to the stunt, the 'open' gyroscope will leave Blaine exposed to the harsh New York winter. He says, 'Just to make it more difficult on myself, I added a motor (to the gyroscope), so even when I'm sleeping there'll be continuous movement... I think I'm going to have to stay awake the whole time. This one's exciting for me. This one's a fun one.'"

I like magic. Really, I do. Magic tricks, with bunnies and top hats and smoke and the statue of liberty disappearing are the cat's meow as far as I'm concerned. But allow me to be clear: THIS IS NOT MAGIC, and THIS IS NOT IMPRESSIVE. Imagine someone came up to you and excitedly said, "Hey! I've got an idea for a feat of endurance! I'm gonna spin around until I get REALLY DIZZY!" Would you start screaming in anticipation and tossing money at them? No, you'd probably give them a sad smile and pat them on the head, inwardly reminding yourself to tell your sane friends about the "character" you met on the subway earlier that day. The one that stunk of human feces.

If you really want to impress us, Dave, I have an idea for a public stunt. It's called "Hit Yourself In The Balls! With A Hammer!"